What's there?

A story I had written a while ago for a friend's birthday. I guess the theme is, "What didn't she see?"

 

An old woman, the Mudan, sat by a fire outside her small cabin, up on a hill, on the outskirts of the town she served. Her clothes were mere rags and faded in color. She held her hair back with a small piece of thick light brown string. Strong and wise, she sat herself with dignity and understanding as she watched the rest of the town below.

People bustled to and from place to place. The cry of small village boys at work rang out above the crowds of people. Babies wailed and women frantically rushed off to or with work burdened heavily on their backs. Men either lazed about or walked from place to place without any reason or ambition driving them to a specific place. In the streets, children played or scurried off to school.

There were many a care in the world all over, not one thing was still, but then the Mudan noticed something, someone. It was a little girl who didn’t appear to belong. She had short wild black hair like the night sky; black diamond-shaped eyes; and a skin color undefined in the area. Her body was weak and fragile, yet somehow strong enough to survive hardship. People were either black or white here, not something else. The little girl stood out in the crowd, even though she should’ve blended in so well…like a tiger in the jungle. This comparison made it clear to the Mudan; the little girl was an Asian. Most likely, she was left behind from the aftermath of the last war between this nation’s neighboring countries. The possibility that this girl was one of the last few Asians out there was a liable chance. To the Mudan, she appeared to be the last of the japna, the Japanese.

For a while, the Mudan stared at the little girl, wondering what the japna would do. She did nothing. People avoided talking to her, looking at her, even going near her. Children were pulled away, told to stay from the “slave”. Sadly, the last of Asians were now slaves because their number had dwindled greatly and had no chance of ever reviving itself. A japna was only considered a rare and expensive slave nowadays, especially since she’s the only one left that’s still free. No one tried to claim her and sell her, surprisingly enough. This puzzled the Mudan…Why did these people reject an opportunity for so much money in the fastest way possible?

After hours of watching the little girl stand alone, the Mudan felt something new build up. Something new, something she couldn’t explain was coming and it would descend because of the little girl alone. A little while longer and the Mudan received her answer. A group of assassins spread out in the town. When night fell, all those in the street were slaughtered. There were no cries, no calls, and no movements except the shadows of the assassins dancing upon the town walls. Silently, they worked…until the streets were barren. They had done their work for the night and tomorrow night was just another.

The Mudan had seen everything: every attack, every kill, and every shadow. She couldn’t see the assassins with her old eyes, but she could tell the shadows of killers and those of victims. Only one shadow wasn’t that of a killer or victim, and that shadow was the little girl. For the entire night, the little girl stood still as if in anticipation of the next dawn, not even minding the death of so many around her.

Suddenly, after all was done, the girl spoke. The Mudan didn’t have to try and see or try and hear because the girl’s words were spoken loud and clear in her heart, beating to the forgotten drums of war. There wasn’t any sadness or vengeance in her voice, but something foreign to the natives here, ecstasy.

“Now…I can die, Christine.”

Upon hearing what she said, the Mudan quickly dashed down the hill into the streets and shadows of the town. As fast as her strong old bones would take her, the Mudan raced to the spot of the little girl…but no one was there. Suddenly, all around her, people were walking around, lights were still on in shops and restaurants, and all life was moving about as it had any other night before. When she had entered the town, it was barren and silence filled the air, but once she reached her destination and the little girl was gone, everything was back to as it were.

“Will I go to hell, Christine?”

The girl’s voice wasn’t anywhere in any direction, it was in her head. Something was off, something wasn’t right.

“Little girl, why are you doing this?”

All of a sudden, light came at the Mudan from every direction and she was brought into a world of complete darkness. She floated above nothing and beneath nothing. There was nothing there or anywhere, just the darkness. Before her flash a scene, a memory as the girl told her of a recollection.

“I was alone for so long, drifting in a world of darkness beneath a cold translucent surface where people walked on. They had no faces, nothing. All I could tell were their shapes and forms walking upon the surface above me that divided us, their shadows dancing along. No one was there with me, no one tried to reach through the surface to me. I was alone, completely and utterly alone. Then one day…she reached a hand to me. She saw me drifting there in the darkness. It wasn’t she who helped me out, but it was she that lifted me up to my feet. I was afraid to open my heart, to have a friend. I didn’t want to be abandoned or hurt again. Friends do that when they don’t know it, but she helped me up. She became my friend…”

Sympathetic and yet confused, the Mudan questioned her, “Who is she, this girl that lifted you up?”

“Christine…the last vitna…”

“How did she leave you? Did she die?”

“Yes…she betrayed me…”

“What…but then why refer to her if she betrayed you.”

“Because I want to know why…”

A silence fell between them, then another recollection started to form before the Mudan. This one seemed more of an uncontrollable dream between a reverie and a remembrance.

“She betrayed me, she left me behind!! I fell back into that world of darkness, but this time…it was colder and emptier. Everyone left me and I was alone again. Christine was the first to lift me up, but then the first to abandon me. I was scared in that cold and empty space! I don’t want to go back! I want to end it!!!”

Suddenly, the Mudan felt like gravity was pulling her, something had shattered. She was falling into darkness even worse than the one she was led to. This one was cold, empty, barren…she felt trapped, suffocated. Something was pulsating through her body, causing pain to crackle in every muscle. Even worse, it felt as if something was locked around her heart and slowly compressing it. The Mudan felt older than she ever had in her entire life, even in her old age.

“What was the point of pulling me up, if she was going to push me back down?! Why did she help with friends, with the will to live out my life, if she was going to send me back down to a feeling of the darkness?! I didn’t want to return to the world of darkness, I didn’t want to sink back into that loneliness that squeezed my heart and locked it! I wanted to stay, I wanted to be where people could see me! The moment she betrayed me, I started to sink back down. It was her fault that I’m back here again! It’s her fault I want to die!!”

The Mudan was released and blinked back to reality. In front of the Mudan stood the little girl, cold and quiet without a smile or a hint of warmth in her heart, and they stared at each other. Everything was silent again, barren and silenced. They were back in reality, but it didn’t seem like it.

With sadness and sympathy for the poor girl, the Mudan asked in a gentle voice, “How are you so sure that she just abandoned you, instead of protecting you?”

Cold and heartless, she answered, “All humans are the same…They think only of themselves…and what they can pretend to take sympathy on, to care for…”

“Not all.”

“Yes, all…you’re one…”

“Yes, I am…but why not ask her for yourself?”

“Because I can’t bring back the dead! No one has that kind of power!”

“Who said you had to?”

The little girl stares at the Mudan, confused and shocked. In return, the Mudan turns away, but glances back and smiles her all-knowing smile.

“Follow me…let us hear Christine with our hearts.”

Without an answer or response, the Mudan walks away, though the little girl does follow her at a distance. They make their way to the Mudan’s small cabin and enter. The fire outside had died down, but the one inside is still strong. Looking around herself, the little girl feels a new sort of comfort from the cabin, a feeling of welcome. After a moment, the Mudan takes out a small rectangular case with the name…Christine inscribed on it.

“Open it.”

The little girl stared at it for a moment, and then slowly lifted the lid. There was a thin red ribbon inside with splotches of white as if it had been dyed red and a small dark purple pendant. Under the ribbon and pendant was a folded crinkled up letter with a nickname inscribed on it, Nutbutt. Upon seeing her nickname on the old letter, the little girl smiled sadly and found a seat by the fire. She took out the ribbon, pendant, and letter. As she held onto the ribbon and pendant in one hand, she read the letter in her other hand out loud.

“Well Nutbutt, when you get this, I’ll probably be dead already. I’m sorry. Now don’t be stupid and think that I abandoned you because I didn’t. If I had brought you with me, you would’ve died too, but I can’t have that. We couldn’t have that. Yes, I mean all of our friends. All of us had decided that you should be the one to live, to stay behind, because you already suffered enough. It took up most of your life and you deserve to live out the rest of your life outside of that dark cold world. Maybe we’ll know what it felt like in that cold world after all, we don’t know, but at least it brings us closer to you in the end. We’ll miss you, Nutbutt, even if we’re dead. Dead or alive, it doesn’t matter.

Hey, you know what, that dark purple pendant came from the AmnuMountains. It’s a beautiful place. You should go see it. We wish you’d go see it and when you get there, think of us. I’m sorry to say this, but your journey will never be over. You’ll definitely be walking the earth for a long time, but don’t be disheartened, it’ll be fun. Just think of us whenever you feel lonely. Got that, Nutbutt? We won’t forgive you if you give up now, you mean a lot to us, all of us. It was nice knowing a person like you, Nutbutt. You are truly one of a kind. Bye Nutbutt.

P.S. Don’t forget to say thank you to my grandma. I depended-no, we depended, on her to make sure you got the letter.

“You’re Christine’s grandma?”

The Mudan smiles at the little girl and responds, “Yes, that I am.”

- - - - -

Four months later, the little girl is walking the roads of the country. She has been traveling ever since her encounter with the Mudan, Christine’s grandmother. So far, she has been to every wonderful and memorable place in the surrounding region, surrounding states. The only place she didn’t go to was AmnuMountains that Christine said to go to. Now, she’s starting to reconsider.

Before she had left the Mudan, the Mudan told her to the AmnuMountains. There, she would receive a pleasant surprise well worth the trip. In order to reach the mountains though, she had to cross a desert. That’s what she was doing now, making her trek across the desert. It’s too late to turn back.

“Mudan, this surprise better be as worth as much as you said.”

The sands of the desert were hot underneath the skin of her bare feet and the sun’s unbearable rays added a burden to her hardship. She dragged her light weight knapsack upon the sands of the dunes, making a smooth trail over her foot prints. Her journey lasted for days.

The difference in the climate was so harsh that the little girl got a nosebleed in passing between. It was a spontaneous change from the hot and dry sandstorms of the desert to the wet and freezing blizzards of the mountains. She scaled the mountains to a high peak, making her way to a destination she wasn’t quite sure of. In the midst of the mountain range was a temple located on a large plateau, rising out of nowhere. Curious and intrigued by the appearance of such a refined temple, she made her way down to the temple’s gates and entered. Instead of being pushed back out, she was welcomed with open arms.

The blizzard that had been raging outside the temple’s gates had instantly started to die down when she was received with a warm welcome. She was able to see the sunset before resting in the inner temple.

“It’s good to see you again, Nutbutt!”

The little girl sharply turned around to face the person who had shouted to her. Before her stood a pack of girls, her friends, and at the front of the pack was her good friend, Christine. All of her friends were alive. Letting her blanket that was to protect her from the cold fly with the wind, the little girl dashed to join her friends in a warm embrace. After that, the priests of the temple allowed the girls to stay in their temple, away from the reach of war and in a place of peace. The little girl wasn’t alone anymore. She had her friends…and she had Christine.

END

Reviews

[Tony Russo]

You have very good, raw talent. You're strength is definitely in your ability to describe the terrain and the mood of your settings. You draw the reader in with your story telling.
I am giving you a 90/100 because I think this story is unfinished. I am going to give very direct feedback, so I hope you take it to heart and not defensively. Sure, it ends, but you can do a lot more with it. You should take a little more time to develop your characters, explaining who they are and why they are there in a little more depth. I like to look at each character and, on a seperate sheet, write a bio about them or place them in a situation that shows their innermost feelings and inspirations. From there, I believe you can include that foreshadowing into the story and that will allow you to develop them more.
I also think you do a great job setting up some scenes. The reader anticipates the same detail in the actual scene you set up, and it seems a bit rushed. My second piece of advice is to take your time and compliment the scenes you do a great job setting up, then use your skills to embelish the scene more. Here is an example" You do a great job painting the picture of a lonely character, lost in a sea of outsiders. An attack is drawing near in a depressing future, but then the attack is only a few sentences. Use the same emotions of dread the character is feeling and explain the attack in much more detail. Tell the reader why it is important, and explain the carnage that insues. This story is either multiple stories, or it one long one that is a bit rushed.
Again, overall, I really like the story. Let me know if you decide to edit it, as I am excited to see it grow!