The Makings of a Fairytale

I guess it's only fair to rewind a couple of years. Back to when life was simple - as simple as life could seem, at least. I was in secondary school, worked part time at a local charity shop and spent the rest of my time caring for my 8 year old sister, Maddie, as my parents were both absent due to 'work'. I say 'work', because I'm actually under the impression both parents are engaging in extramarital relationships. I hate to even entertain the thought, but it seems to be the only reasonable explanation as to why they barely hang around each other (and us) for no longer than a couple of hours, before awkwardly leaving for "another conference" in the dead of night. I cant say I blame them, though. Neither one of my parents have felt any positive emotions for years. If there's even a glimpse of joy found in whatever adulterous deeds they commit, then I guess I should overlook it. Which I do. Well, at least I try to.
Anyway, as I said, I spend most of my time babysitting my sister, who is a complete pain in the arse. She's always wanting to watch some show with a ridiculously annoying theme tune, or totter around in some princess heals and a tiara, before she rummages through the kitchen cupboards, whipping out all the flour bags and egg boxes because she "wants to make a special cake for the tooth fairy". I swear, if I receive one more invite to the tooth fairy's arrival party, I will disown her.
Although she grates me to the bone, I must confess, I love my sister. If I didnt have her, well quite frankly, I'd be lost. I'm a negative person, all in all. That tends to happen when you reach your teenage hood, so I'm told. Though, quite honestly, I believe it's the result of a neglected childhood, met with the sudden forced pressure of raising a child by yourself who is less than half your age younger than you, whilst dealing with an emotional crisis.
See, I'm not meaning to dig around for the treasure chest of attention, (I gave up on that voyage long ago) but I had recently experience a life changing, face slapping occurrence, that I'm pretty sure no teenager should undergo. During the middle of the school day, a friend of mine dropped dead.
There's no point in trying to sugar coat it. It's a matter of fact. The sooner I come to terms with that, the better off I'll be. I'll have to admit, we werent all that close, but I was still a friend of hers, and it still - for reasons I cannot fathom - hit me extremely hard.
I think it was death which hit me. Not literally...metaphorically...or philosophically...however you want to look at this. I couldnt seem to come to terms with the fact someone was there one minute, and gone the next. Someone, a life form, a human being, was up and talking and then down and dead. In the matter of seconds, they no longer existed.
I found that incredibly hard to get to grips with. In fact, I still cant get my head around the idea. There one minute. Gone the next.
I was slouching on the sofa, mulling over the idea repeatedly in my head. There one minute, Gone the next. Suddenly, there was a cry from the bathroom, followed by a clashing of tacky plastic heels. It took me a while to retract myself from my conscious state and leap into action, but once I had, I was as rapid as always. I scooted into the bathroom, confronting the mess of a princess whom sat ungracefully on the floor.
"Oh, Maddiekins. Looks like you've had a fall, hm?" I sung in a patronising voice. There is one joy of having a younger sister; no matter what the occasion, you can always entertain yourself with patronising, sarcastic tones or suggestive innuendos, and as she's too innocent to understand, they go totally amiss! My little sister smeared her weaping nose across her palm, before offering her hand to haul her up. I grimaced, gripping her by her elbows to avoid a handful of snot. As she bounced to her feet, I readjusted her crown, straightened her dress and wiped her eyes.
"Seems those pretty heels dont go well with silly tile floors, do they your majesty?" Her face lit up, as she tugged her chin up proudly. "That's it, chin up Mads. Now, off you go, m'lady. The tooth fairy awaits you at her special celebration." I snorted snobbishly, bowing down to her as she skipped off with excitement. As I sat in the lounge, I could hear her laughter drifting down the hall.
The night slipped away in a matter of minutes, as I sat blankly before a screen of flashing images. Nothing ever seemed to hold my attention anymore. My eyes just seemed to zone out and become fixated on nothingness, as my mind wandered off into some void between the conscious and unconscious world. I digressed into a shell of a human, blank on the outside, blank on the inside.
A scream rattled through the hallway, shattering my shell into a panicked frenzy. I crashed through the house, leaping desperately into Maddie's room.
"What is it!?" I growled, sounding more angry than concerned.
"The tooth fairy, Hannah..." She spluttered quietly. She was scrunched up into a cluster at the head of her bed, clutching her covers and teddy's desperately with both fists.
"Seriously Maddie?" I grunted, spinning lazily around to exit. As I reached for the light switch, she screamed again.
The scream was deafening; whatever was scaring her was truly scaring her - it wasn't just an ordinary night fright. Naively, I sauntered across to her beside, and consoled her with spiel about how the tooth fairy wasn't here anymore, because she has "lots of other boys and girls to visit tonight, but she'll be back soon, when your next tooth falls out". Somehow, this didn't seem to effect her. She continued to breathe heavily, and was now rocking ever so slightly in her curled stance. I looked around the room, confused as to why she was staring so harshly around.
"Mads, there's nothing to be afraid of..." I whispered. She froze. Before i could say another word, she slammed her hands over my mouth. There was a slight shift in the atmosphere - as though some thing was now present which wasn't there before. I glared intently around the room, as my heart quickened.
"Hannah, it's the tooth fairy." She whispered in a frail, quivering voice, trying as best she could to refrain from the cry which sat in her throat. I peered into the darkness, waiting for something to remind me that there was nothing there, that it was just another ordinary night. However, something in the air plucked those thoughts from my mind, replacing them with doubts and fears to absurd extravagancies. I clutched my sisters hand as tightly as possible, inhaling sharply as my breath began to shake.
Before my eyes, my breath turned to mist. The windows became lined with condensation, and the hairs on my body were upstanding. My whole body began to quiver, now, as the dark loom became heavier and heavier.
In the corner of the room, where the shadows were opaque, something stirred. There was a faint flittering, followed by the crackled breaths of a third person. A shiver rattled through my bones, edging a scream to my lips which I tried to hold back. I focused on the shadow with intensity. It seemed the longer I stared, the more vulnerable I became. Strange shapes began to emerge and retract back into the darkness, though I could barely tell if they were real, or just tricks of the eye. Maddie began to whimper into my shoulder, as I held on tightly with my weakening grip. The chill had latched itself around my core, and ever part of me became sore and ridged. My bottom lip was no longer under my control, as it shook and curled voluntarily. I closed my eyes, praying to myself that this was just a nightmare. Nothing was there. Nothing was there.
I opened my eyes suddenly, expecting a face or hand lurching out towards me. Instead, I was met with an entirely ordinary room; the cold had passed, the darkness had lifted, and the sense of danger had suddenly disintegrated. There one minute, gone the next.
I felt foolish for having feared the non-existent being, and hastily tucked Maddie back into bed, after dismissing her further cries and pleads.
"Go to sleep, Maddie. You're being ridiculous, okay? Just go to sleep." I snarled, shutting the door with more force than intended. I shuffled back to the lounge, turning on all the lights as I went. I spent the rest of that night curled up on the sofa, staring at the blank screen, with more rapid and ridiculous thoughts.

Author's Note

This is -again- the first draft for the first/second chapter...I'd like to know people's opinions on the mood and tone of the piece, perhaps the character's themselves (like how you perceived them, how they connected or lacked connection, etc) and how you felt about the first glimpse of the mysterious being, and whether you think I should have continued to reveal zed beast, or kept it how it was.
Thanks!

Reviews

[Ceuthonymus]

I like it, it got me thinking of what was the thing in the corner, and for the most part, I was left wanting more. That of course was from the fact of the previous chapter, which I believe should be the first chapter in the first place since it was the thing that got me interested in what this is all about. This is just another good addition, as we get some backdrop of the main characters life. Cannot wait for more from this book!

[G.A. Collins]

Y'know, it's so relieving to hear that! I'd previously received comments that the first chapter was far to abstract and far out for the beginning of the book, and I was concerned all the gibber-gabber about the characters, matched with the lack of danger at the end, would loose the readers attention! Thanks for the review, and I'm glad your interested in the write- I'll be adding to it very soon!

[Gosia]

The characters. Surely the little sister is adorable and sweet. The sisterly bond is there, you had no problem with that. However, I really can't relate to the heroine - she seemed to cold for me despite her having to take care of her little sister.

About the chapter itself, I think you should add a cliff-hanger of some sort at the end. It could be either the beast or just mention that the heroine saw something. It would make the readers think: "Gosh, what did she see? Gotta read the next chapter to find out". Aside that I got a positive impression while reading this chapter.

When my mind linked it with the prologue, I began having very bad feelings about the direction it's going though...

[Glen Yumang Manese]

This chapter was solid... I like the effectiveness in the lines... you weave in the parents and their world and the battles of confronting death... the idea of Hannah taking care of the little sister... the back and forth struggle with her and her problems... the scene in the bathroom and again in Maddie's room... were enough to get the readers attention... the way you display the mood and the chilling aspect of the Tooth fairy.. or an illusion carries through in this one...

Again... a minor area of interest:

Anyway, as I said, I spend most of my time babysitting my sister, who is a complete pain in the arse. She's always wanting to watch some show with a ridiculously annoying theme tune, or totter around in some princess heals and a tiara, before she

Anyway, as I said, I spend most of my time babysitting my sister, who is a complete pain in the arse. She's always wanting to watch some show with a ridiculously annoying theme tune, or totter around in some princess heels and a tiara, before she