When Demons Run

I swung open the door, revealing a gut-scattered room decorated with the insides of the dismembered bodies which hung loosely around the bed. The shock and stench knocked me backwards, throwing me into a state of paralysis. I stood, my mouth gaping, unable to comprehend the horror before my eyes. Admits the dark, damp masses of blood, two eyes met mine.

A face which had been crammed between some shattered bones and unrecognisable limbs stood out prominently, almost as though it were calling for help.
For a second, I saw life.
An expression of fear and pain was stamped onto the face, and there it would remain, beneath the blood which trickled down their cheek. My body was numb, yet my hands lurched forwards. The boiling sensation which struck my heart instantly threw me towards the face, grabbing it from the heap of flesh and into my cradling arms.
Decapitated.
No life remained here.
I brushed the matted, blood-covered hair from the young girl's eyes, and gently cleansed the stains from her plump, soft cheeks with the tears which streamed from my eyes. I collapsed to my knees, clutching the head to my heart and groaning like an injured animal. Gradually, my trembling hands lost their hold, and my sister's frail face sunk back into the darkness beneath.

Reviews

[Gosia]

Now that was drastic. It's definitely a shocking way to begin a book, but I have to admit that it caught my attention. Very bloody and messy... makes me wonder what will be later on.

As for typos, I noticed that Samuel Jack and Glan already pointed them out for you.

[Samuel Jack]

Unfortunately for me I was about to eat as I reviewed this. :) What's for tee? BLOODY GUTS! Yum

Fortunately I read comics so I was fine.

A very visceral little chapter, I'm interested to see what the next chapter has in store.

There are a few little things that need cleaning up, like at the end of the first paragraph,"Admits the dark, damp masses" this made me stop and reread for a second, thinking I'd read the scene wrong.
But overall i find your writing and ideas are excellent, you seem very at home with prose.

Keep up the good words.

[worldtra]

I really like this, good job

[G.A. Collins]

Thank you for reading, reviewing and appreciating :)

[RainDancer1997]

Very suspenseful, and great:) It's pretty short but nothing big:) Some grammar, but everyone has trouble with that here and again:)

[G.A. Collins]

Thanks! I was going to extend it...but in all honesty, I think it would only degrade the piece...But thanks for your critiques! I'll be sure to skim it over and change what I can! :)

[Ceuthonymus]

love the details, notice some grammar, but hey, don't we all struggle with that once in a while? Again, great details and keep up the pieces

[Glen Yumang Manese]

I read this and the scene gets right into the action... the gruesome events inside the room... and the discovery of her sister's death...

The shock and stench knocked my backwards, throwing me into a state of paralysis.
The shock and stench knocked me backwards, throwing me into a state of paralysis.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The boiling sensation which struck my heart instantly threw me towards the face, grabbing it form the heap of flesh and into my cradling arms.
The boiling sensation which struck my heart instantly threw me towards the face, grabbing it from the heap of flesh and into my cradling arms.

Just a couple areas I noticed needing attention...

[G.A. Collins]

Thanks, I'd been notified of those typos before, I just never got round to patching them up...done now! So what's your opinion on the instant introduction...I'm still on the fence on whether throwing the reader in at the deep end is the most effective thing to do...

[Glen Yumang Manese]

If you feel that's where this needs to go... that's fine... and back track from here and tell the story...

[Dan Fite, Jr.]

This is great! There were a couple of typos here and there, but that did not effect the story at all (meaning they did not drag me out of the story). I was very impressed how you were able to make the scene so visible in my mind in such a short piece of writing! Very skilled writing!

Concerning the length, though, is this all for a whole chapter? I can see it but I can't. I just feel like there can be much more content in a single chapter. Perhaps this could serve as the beginning of a story, and then flash forward a week or so to a funeral? Or maybe even this girl running from a killer (which the plot makes it sound like there is a killer) and having feelings of regret and sorrow for her little sister. Like maybe "Oh man, if it wasn't for me she'd be alive!" or perhaps "I didn't go to her funeral, I wasn't there for her when she died or after she died" or something along those lines. It isn't a huge deal, after all James Patterson, one of the most critically acclaimed authors of our time, writes very short chapters, but I don't know because even his are like two pages long. I don't know, it's really not a huge deal but I feel like much more content could be fit into a chapter, especially chapter one! Like you told me, we need to know who this character is and get to know her right off the bat so that we can become attached to her and go through this struggle with her.

Overall, great piece of writing! I really enjoyed it!

[dw817]

⊰ℙℝ⊱ Private Review
You PMed me to critique your work ? I'm not seeing any problems except in one area. I think you mean to say, "from the heap of flesh" instead of, "form the heap of flesh."

While the content is grisly, I suggest this not be the opening to a chapter if you are planning a book. Most people like to be led into the crypt instead of being thrust straight into it. I would build with a kind and temperate story, going in length and leisure as to the characters you wish to develop - then eventually leading as to how and why this terrible situation would occur.

As I told one writer earlier, it's a great and admirable skill to take a kernel of rice - your writing - and spread it out to the size of a pancake to fully feed and fill a reader with it. :)

I am seeing Writer #00 below has suggested the same, "form," to "from."

[Writer #00]

The shock and stench knocked my backwards-->knocked me
You have a lot of 'which' in here. It's fine once in a while--or even half of the while--but, for me, if you use it to often it becomes redundant and makes for a repetitive narration. I suppose, to cut back on this 'which, you could try something like replacing some of the which's with 'that's or mildly revising the sentences to change the tense of that word while keeping the sentence and actions of the whole in the past tense. Example:

"The boiling sensation which struck my heart instantly threw me towards the face, grabbing it form the heap of flesh and into my cradling arms. "-->"The boiling sensation struck my heart instantly, throwing me towards the face, grabbing it FROM the heap of flesh and into my cradling arms. "

Just a little suggestion, though...it may be preference : )

As for the story. Obviously, there isn't much here for me to judge, but I do like your writing. It is beautifully descriptive, bringing these viscious, graphic, nauseating images to life in my head. even the way you portrayed the narrator's shock and physical reaction to such horror was realistic and believable, I only can wait to see where you take this (the title is very promising, good work!)...

As an aside, I have always wanted to write something this gory, but can never find a way to put in the story without making it seem randomly gratuitous, so the fact that you have begun with such impact really makes me want to know what else you will follow this up with. Definitely an explanation, I presume. I wonder what the title means. Hmm...

Keep writing~!