Partition

Sometimes when I'm this way, sometimes 

Sometimes when I hear these tunes, I remember you 

I see my hand on the paned glass, behind it yours too 

Touching against the veil, a veil I cannot reach through 

 A conscious thought of me and you, breathes true 

It only touches me and fades from view 

I cannot reach your thoughts are all askew 

help me break this glass that separates us two 

time layered this partition in ways imagination cannot scope

The truest fear is that death is the only way we again elope 

Hammer the glass that only the reaper can begin to unmask 

Out of time, out of grasp, you hand skids down., alas

Making it impossible that I might break through 

I've never been so far from you

Reviews

[emmajoygreen]

Words wrapped in in eternal love. Interesting and visual meter, more than beautiful sadness

[John the Baptist]

The barriers that separate people may seem to be made of steel, but in truth they are only made of thoughts.

[Samuel Dickens]

Beautifully put. It's one thing to miss someone because they've gone off with another or just gone somewhere, but when they've gone to the other side, it's especially heart wrenching. You express very well this sad longing to join together once more.

[JayG]

Not to insult, but how many people do you suppose woke today wondering how you were feeling, and came here hoping to find out?

My point is: This is you talking about what's meaningful to you. But what's in it for the reader? Look at the opening as they must:

• Sometimes when I'm this way, sometimes

When you, someone the reader knows nothing about, is...WHAT way? You begin reading with full context, and so, know precisely what you mean. The reader? Not a clue.

And what' can the second "sometimes" mean to the reader. Sure, you know to place a hesitation and shrug before the second usage. And you know the tone to place into it that's so meaningful. The reader? Not a clue.

• Sometimes when I hear these tunes, I remember you

Wait...you remember ME? Seriously?

And THESE tunes? Where in the pluperfect hells are we? Who's playing, and why? And is it good that you remember, or bad? You know. The one you're talking to knows. The reader? Not a clue.

My point? Like so many hopeful writers, you're using the fact-based and author-centric nonfiction skills we're given in school. And because they, like all nonfiction writing, report and explain, they're inherently dispassionate, and the result will read like a report. Remember, only you know the emotion to place into the words, as they're read. The reader has punctuation.

It's not a matter of talent, or how well you write, it's that the reader comes to poetry to be entertained, to be made to care and feel, not learn about what matters to a stranger.

Unfortunately, we leave school not realizing that there is another approach to writing, so, we "go with what we know." And because you have context, backstory, and intent guiding YOUR understanding, for you it works, and you'll see no problems. For the reader, it's "Huh?"

The fix is simple enough. Add the skills of poetry that have been developed over the centuries. As E. L. Doctorow puts it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” Where nonfiction reports that we cried at a loved one's death, poetry gives the READER reason to cry. And they thank us for doing it.

So dig into the skills the pros take for granted. Not only will they make a dramatic improvement in your work, by widening your options, they'll make the act of writing more fun.

To get you started, grab a copy of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. The lady is not only a brilliant poet, that book is filled with gems that will have you saying, "But wait! That's so...so...obvious. how could I not have seen it, myself?" You can download a readable copy from the site I link to, below, but in the end you probably will want a good copy of your own.
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

Sorry my news wasn't better. But as I said, the problems I mentioned are invisible to the author. And since we'll not address the problem we don't see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain