THERE YOU'LL BEA Story by Prime A diary that tells an unusual love story of a senior high girl... This work is inspired by the movie Pearl Harbor and its soundtrack. ~Done with the first week of August 2012. Enjoy reading guys! THERE YOU'LL BE “…
in my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky …” “…
in my heart there’ll always be a place for you for all my life …”
August 19, 2012 (Sunday) “You know, it is always my dream that someday, I’ll be able to fly up high and soar around the skies above…” he utters as he stands beside me. I look at him. It is no other than Joshua. Scruffy dark brown hair, good stature, fair skin and brown eyes with a flash of a smile across his face are his physical characteristics. Well, for me, he is very good looking. He is looking at what’s above us, an airplane trailing above the radiant blue sky. ‘’… like that airplane.” He continues as he turns and looks at me that make us stuck at the glances of each other. We barely talk, it’s as if we’re
lesser than strangers even though we are somewhat ‘friends’. Well, that’s only
when we’re close to each other like this. As a matter of fact, I’m his stalker,
because I do have a crush on him, though; and the more I come to know him
better, the deeper the feeling gets. Love at first sight, they say… We have known each other since we
were both first year in high school, and instantly he became the apple of my
eye as we became ‘friends’. That’s until now that we’re seniors, but too bad I
have to keep myself and watch him from a distance, because I’m just one of his
friends and there is a very small possibility that we are meant for each other
since he’s very friendly. He’s always surrounded by most of his friends and
even other students at school. Well, how much more about me? As I’ve said, we
barely talk. We’re not close and I’m not one of those that always surround him.
Well, I’m not that type of a person… You know, that ‘feeling-close’ attitude,
it’s not one of my traits. I just don’t feel like it, and I can’t ‘eat’ my
pride just to get closer to him. Anyway, now that he has said it
again… Yeah, every time we talk, the conversation always start with his
signature line “You know, it is always my dream that someday, I’ll be able to
fly up high and soar around the skies above…” although sometimes he rephrases
his sentence, maybe trying something for a change. And that’s only when we
happen to be together and an airplane passes above us, maybe except for the
time that we introduced ourselves. That makes airplanes special to me. They make
us somewhat connected somehow. “You always do.” I say then I
flashed a smile and I turned my head so I may face the ground before me. By the
way, we are both standing at the grassy area of the town’s park. “Mau, we could be closer you know…”
Maurice is my name. Most of my friends, relatives and other persons call me
Maurice. He’s the only one to call me Mau. And I like having it that way. It’s
kind of special. I tuck a strand of my long black
hair at the back of my ear then say, “I know.” “What day is tomorrow, anyway?” he
asks me and I answer “Class day. Monday.” That reminds me. Tomorrow is my
birthday, but it seems like it isn’t. And I don’t feel like telling him about
it because I don’t want him to know. “Okay, then. Well, you should look
good tomorrow.” I don’t know what he means, so I
just said “Yeah” and an ear-breaking silence follows afterwards.
August 20, 2012 (Monday) I looked at myself in the mirror. I see a
girl, a woman with long black hair that falls until her waist, cat-grey eyes,
good stature but not as good as Joshua’s, and fair peachy skin. I’m in our school uniform. I am just
done preparing myself for school. I went to the dining room to join mom,
dad and my sister in breakfast. We had small chit-chats, they greeted me “Happy
Birthday” and I thanked them. Afterwards, I’m off to school. As I reach our classroom, I quietly
entered. One of my other classmates who used to be early is already around and
is quiet. Probably she didn’t know yet that today’s my birthday. It is better that
she and the others don’t know or they’ll be teasing me all day long to treat
them. I noticed a big box, carefully wrapped in a plain-colored yellow wrapper, on the seat of my armchair. Its length is almost one-thirds of my height. As I approach it, I notice a folded card which smells good. I opened it. August 20, 2012 Dear Maurice, Happy 16th Birthday, Maurice. I don’t have much to tell but “More Birthdays to Come” and that I am always here for you… -
“J” Just who is this J? Joshua? Well, I
don’t think so, and you know why. This “J” is maybe my suitor, Johann.
He has been courting me since sophomore and he has done many good things for
me. Too bad, I just can’t love him in return, and sometimes I feel sorry for
him since I just can’t do a thing to repay all that he has done and still, he
never gave up on me. Anyway, I should know who this “J”
is so I may at least thank him / her for the wonderful gift. I look around for someone to ask…
There’s my classmate, Rona. “Hey, Rona…” I called her, and she
politely responds “Yes, Maurice?” in return. “Have you seen anyone who brought
this box here?” I ask her. Well, I should be careful with my words or it will
become obvious that today’s my birthday, and the teasing will follow. “Let me think for a while…” she said
while pushing her chin against her fingers. “Well, once I arrived here… I mean,
before I opened the room, that is already at the doorway and a paper was placed
above it that states: ‘for Maurice’ so I thought it was meant for you. Well, I
placed it on your armchair, anyway.” “Okay, thank you.” “Hey…” her face expression is that
of those who are about to tease someone. “…don’t tell me you have a secret
admirer.” I just laugh and say “Oh no, I don’t.
It’s just maybe something friendly. Besides, I don’t know who sent it, that’s
why I asked you if you have seen anyone who placed this box here.” “I don’t believe you.” I just rolled my eyes in a somewhat
friendly way as I suppress a smile on my lips. Luckily, Rona is not the type of
person who ‘forces’ issues to you, so what follows is silence. One by one, some in numbers, the
others arrived. They kept on looking at the box so I removed the card then kept
it on my bag and I moved the box to a corner of the room so they wouldn’t keep
on talking about it. Anyway, it is something light inside. Even though I
managed to hide the card and keep the box somewhere, they still kept on talking
about who that box was for until they came to a realization that today is my
birthday. Greetings follow and I thank them
wholeheartedly. Next come the teases like the questions “Where will we
celebrate?” “What foods shall we eat afterwards?” and they shout in numbers
“Treat us! Treat us! Treat us! Treat us!” which is very loud. I just suppress a
smile on my seat, covering both of my ears with both of my hands. This
continued until a teacher from the neighboring room furiously entered our
classroom and warned us that if we keep on being too loud, we’ll be sent to the
principal’s office which caused the silence to follow.
It’s lunch time! Well, I’m already
home, and I’m just done eating so I went to my room. I am eager to know what
the box contains. I remove the wrappings of the box then
opened it and I am surprised by what I saw… It is a wonderful big yellow teddy
bear. It is huggable and what makes it more special is it is of my favorite
color, yellow. Well, let me describe it my way… It is a yellow teddy bear with a red
ribbon by its right ear. It has a rubber brown nose, dark marble eyes and a red
heart, with the yellow-colored letters “MJ” embed on its midst like a sewn
name, on its belly. It is filled with cotton inside which makes it soft and
bouncy. “MJ” maybe means Maurice and that
mystery “J” person, but too bad I am not able to know who that person is. Well,
this day has been made by that person special. We only have three subjects to
attend this afternoon. Usually, there are four, but the teacher for the other
one said from our last meeting that he will be absent this day and he’ll be ‘gone
for a while’, so be it.
I have been sitting on the vacant
area of our Social Studies Learning Resource Center (LRC) for a while. I have
just finished writing in my diary. Anyway, haven’t I told you that I do write
on my diary? Well, now you know. It’s pointless to do nothing at free times
like this so I write instead. I just feel like it. I look around and a smile forms on
my face as Joshua’s presence came from a distance. He joins me on the seat and greets
me “Hey…” so I also greet him “Hi, Josh” in return. “What are you doing?” he asks me. “Nothing. Just some diary stuff…” I
answer while letting my eyes roam freely around then I lengthened the
conversation by asking him “How about you?” “I am supposed to do the same, but
since you’re here…” he says as he reaches for his bag and places a brown book
on the table “… I can’t. I need privacy, you know.” “I understand.” By the looks of the book, it seems
like its pages had been flipped over and over for how many times and it’s
obvious that it’s almost full of writings. That must be his diary. “Say, this is the second time we
talk without having any airplanes above us, am I right?” That makes me think. Yeah, this is
the second time that we did talk without having any airplanes around. “Yeah…” I
added and sighed as silence took over us afterwards. “By the way, happy birthday, Mau…” That surprised me. He did know that
today’s my birthday, but how come? So first, I told him “Thank you,” then asked
him “How did you know?” “Through ‘Facebook’…” and he smiles.
I get what he means, but what makes me think is that: does he even have time
bothering himself to view my profile and identify my birth date? I just can’t
help myself but smile and try to hide my blushes. It’s awkward, but I have to
be a ‘feeler’ this time. Every moment counts and this will become a memory to
last, since this rarely and barely happens. “Well, how many gifts have you got?” “Only one, and it’s kind of special
which came from a mysterious person. It makes me think: Who could it be? I
really want to thank that mystery person. He or she makes me feel special this
day, you know…” “Why? What is it?” “It was a yellow teddy bear.” His face brightens up and shares to
me by saying “My favorite color is the neighbor of yellow, green.” I’m happy to
know, so I ask him “Really?” to lengthen our conversation. “Yeah, I’m just sharing anyway, how
about yours?” “My favorite color is yellow, which
makes the gift more special.” He then looks at the ground before
us and it’s as if he’s suppressing a smile. He seems to be nerdy and naïve even
though he is usually surrounded by people and that makes me like him more.
We became closer since then. We
sometimes go through the hallway together, or at other places. Sometimes we eat
lunch together, and we can start talking without having any airplanes around.
It seems like I’m not shy of him anymore. Sometimes I wonder if Joshua could be
that mystery “J” person, and sometimes I ask him if he’s that “J”. He would
just laugh and say “Just who is that, your secret admirer?” and he seems to
know less about that. He even insisted that he could help me identify who this
person is, but I prefer to work like a detective alone. I don’t like bothering
people. Meanwhile, Johann kept on courting
me. He even said that he’s willing to ‘keep on chasing me’. He never gave up on
me. And that increases my suspicions about him being that “J” person. I try
observing him, his acts, his mood, his expressions, and I sometimes ask him if
he knows about that mystery “J” person but it just seems like he avoids the
topic. About my relationship with Joshua,
we are like best buddies although in a somewhat ‘pathetic’ manner. I often
catch him writing on his diary, but he just refuse to show me its content.
Well, it seems like privacy is what he mostly needs when he’s writing on that
diary, so I respect that. Sometimes, I try to pretend that I’m writing on mine;
sometimes, I do write for real. He even try to peek at what I am writing but
too bad my hands are too fast to cover the writings before he is able to do so. This continued on for months and I
find myself deeply in love with Josh.
December 21, 2012
(Friday) Today is our Christmas Party and we
are almost done. The revelations of ‘manito-manita’ identities have just
finished and others have already gone home. Well, only four of us are left in
our classroom now. I’ve got varieties of gifts from my classmates and there
goes that mystery “J” person again. This person has already placed this gift on
the doorway since morning and this time, my full name was written on a piece of
paper placed on its top. It is a small box, about the size of my fist,
carefully wrapped in alternate colors of green, red and yellow, as the main
color of wrapper. Green and red are the usual colors of Christmas, so these
colors doesn’t mean that much. Yellow, which is being highlighted and
emphasized, mean that the gift is meant for me, since yellow is my favorite
color. This mystery “J” person must have gathered accurate information about me
that he or she caught my taste. I remove its wrappings and open the
box. It is a very nice heart-shaped gold pendant which is about two conjoined
coins in size. And this gold seems real! As I keep on examining it, I notice
that you can open it. So, I did open it. It splits into two hearts, the left
and the right. I see the letters “MJ” embed on the midst of the right heart,
bright silver in color. I close it and take a glance at its wonder. I
got to find this sender, I think. I should. The sender of the teddy bear
and the sender of this pendant is just one person. He is that mystery “J”
person. I should at least thank him. This is one of the most special gifts I
have received this year, what makes this more special is the gold color. Well,
gold and yellow belong to one family of colors " wait, I think someone’s
watching… I turned my head to see through the
window. The wind blows so hard as if someone has just tried to hide nearby. It
must be the one watching me, so I rushed to the door and came to see nothing. Wind blows again that brings dust to
my eyes. I rubbed my hands against my eyes until I feel better and that’s when
I notice that I am looking at the ground. I see another set of silver letters
with a lace on the floor. I move closer to see it. It is another “MJ”. Just like what’s inside my pendant /
necklace, although this letters seem like the necklace itself. The person who
must be watching earlier might have dropped this, and that means that he or she
must be the one who sends me the gifts!
December 22, 2012 (Saturday) The next day, I see Johann with linings
or marks on his neck at the park. He goes around and around ‘surveying’ the
ground, maybe looking for something. It seems like he had a necklace snatched
on his neck. He looks upset, as if looking for something sentimental. “Hey, what happened to that neck of
yours?” “I lost a necklace. I mean, my
necklace is gone.” He said while going in circles… “Aw, too bad, I could help "” “No, don’t. I can handle this.” My suspicions about him being that
mystery “J” person increases now. He lost a necklace? Let’s connect it with the
necklace I saw yesterday. Does that mean…? Is he that mystery “J” person who
sends me the gifts? Well then let’s find out… “Johann, we need to talk…” “Well, what should we talk about?”
he hardly looks at me as he still ‘surveys’ the ground. “I just need to talk to you… Look…” “Maurice, I’m busy…” “This is important.” “What for? Just… can’t you see I’m
upset? I lost something of value!” he tries to keep calm, but I am a person of
persistence, so “I said this is important.” “Maurice, can’t you understand?” he
stops what he does and looks at me. “Set that aside for a while, okay?” he say
which is almost like a yell. “I just lost something of value! And I am
desperate to find it now or I can go crazy!” his tone is really high which
summons moist in my eyes “I know I love you, but can’t you just give me time
for myself?” his tone gradually lowers now. “Only a little time, okay?” “Fine!” I shout as I walk out. He
lost his patience, I lost mine. I don’t know where to go, but I keep on walking
as long as I reach some peaceful place with my eyes moistening and it’s
probably red in color now. I’m not used to be yelled at. It hurts me
emotionally. I’m desperate to thank this “J” person and now that I’m almost
close to finding who this is, what do I get? A yell which I hate the most… I just find myself in a certain area
of the park, standing on a bed of fallen dried leaves which fell from the trees
around. It seems like I’m in the midst of the forest, but as you continue to
look around, it gradually becomes obvious that I’m only in the meadow near the
park where only small rays of the sun light the place dimly. Yes, I’m in the
meadow. I let myself fall to the bed of dried leaves, with my hands on either
sides, and I lie on it. The small view of the cloudy sky is what I see then I
close my eyes, trying not to cry because of what Johann has done. I hear stupid
noises from nowhere, but I don’t care. I just want to focus. “You know, someday I’ll fly up high
and soar around the skies above like that airplane above us.” There he goes again. I open my eyes
to see him, and I can’t just flash a hell of a smile because my negative
emotions get in the way. He also drops and lies beside me, with his arms bent
as supporter for his head. Those act like pillows. I look at what’s above us, an
airplane, soaring like an eagle around the high sky above. So that makes the
stupid noises that came from nowhere. I see small laces around his neck,
and it directs to his chest. I want to think that it is him. I mean, I want to
think that Joshua is that mystery “J” person, but thoughts about that will only
lead back to what happened between me and Johann a while ago which I can’t get
over of. “I know, Josh.” I say while closing
my eyes again, focusing my tears in my eyes to prevent it from falling down.
“How did you get here?” “Instincts.” Instincts? What’s the
point? The airplane is gone, and it brings
the breeze of silence, making the trees shake with sounds like that of an
audible whisper, causing more brown dried leaves to fall on us, but we just
remained still and motionless, ignoring the leaves around. “You can share it to me, you know…”
he utters that break the silence between us. So, he knows that I’m almost crying.
This is maybe brought by the power of instincts. “I prefer keeping this within me
alone.” I say as I wipe the tear that just fell from one of my eyes with the
‘root’ of my finger. “Let me guess… Is that because of
what happened between you and Johann a while ago?” I’m still not looking at him, trying
to contain my emotions. I just remain silent for a while then he was speaking
again. “Silence means yes.” Still, I remain silent and it’s true
anyway, so let it be. “You love him, don’t you?” That sends my head turning to him,
with my eyebrows almost touching each other, and I see him with his head turned
to me. He was silently laughing, but I think nothing is hilarious. “I don’t. I just can’t.” I seriously
say as I turn my head again that lead me to face the sky… “Why? He is a good guy. It just
happened that he is pissed off…” “I love somebody else, and it’s not
him.” Once again, I turned my head to face him. We’re now stuck at the glances
of each other, as we sometimes do. “Then who?” he asks me eye " to "
eye. I just remain silent and still stuck
looking at his eyes, until I think that if I tell him, I know and I won’t
expect any good things to happen. I think I have told you why. I’m just one of
the persons that make up a little portion which never had a big proportion in
his life. That sends a tear of mine rushing from the other eye across my face
like how a raindrop falls to your face and makes its own way down to where
gravity takes it. Silence follows. It’s awkward, so I
turn my head to face the sky again.
It’s almost 6pm when I went out the
meadow with Joshua. We had small chitchats as we were lying but I try the best
I can to divert the topic into those which keeps tears away and that means
avoiding the topic about the identity of that mystery “J” person. From time to
time my heart beats fast as he does sweet things which make me feel ‘in love’
and gives me the ‘inside chills’. I don’t feel like going home yet, so
I stay, sitting on one of the benches of the park, and waiting for the sun to
set on the horizons far away. Well, Joshua insisted to also stay. We are
sitting together, with only a few inches between us. I can now bear a smile.
The orange light given off by the sun as it sets makes me feel happy and good
inside. Somehow, it makes me forget what happened between me and Johann.
Anyway, he’s been gone. Maybe after what happened between us, he left. Oh well,
I don’t care. The orange sun seems to increase in
size as it sets, although the light decreases, resting on the valley between
the two mountains on the horizons far ahead. “How do you feel now, Mau?” he asks
me. “Better, thanks to you, Josh.” I say
as I still keep on looking ahead. He’s maybe surprised by what I did
next. I leaned closer and gave him a warm hug from his side. I clasp my hands
together at his other shoulder and lean on the opposite shoulder. I can
visualize that he is looking at me, although my eyes are fixated on what’s
ahead. “Merry Christmas, Josh.” “Merry Christmas, Mau.”
February 14, 2013
(Thursday) It
is Valentines Day… By the way, Johann and I patched
things up just weeks ago and we are ‘friends’ again. He was sorry for yelling
at me and hurting my feelings, he even said that he loves me. I did listen to
him, since that is the least I can do for him. I told him that it is fine and I
told him to forget everything that happened between us that afternoon at the
park and with that we were okay again. He also said that he’s still willing to
court me that gave me ‘puzzles’ in my mind. I can’t react to that and I just
remained quiet. Oh, well… I sit on the vacant seat in our
Social Studies Learning Resource Center (LRC) and I am just done writing
something in my diary. I feel bored, but I let it be. I can't think of
something to do now since I just don’t feel like it. A smile forms on my face as I see
Joshua coming from a distance. He seems to come from nowhere but I don’t mind
that. What matters is he is around to make me feel happy, as he always does. “Hey.” He greeted me. “Hey…” is what I greeted him in
return. “What are you doing?” “Just some diary stuff…” “Oh, just like last time…” I saw him flash a smile and silence
took over us for a while. “Happy Valentines, Mau…” That makes me look at him. I am
surprised that he greeted me with such. Oh well. “Same to you, Josh, happy valentines…”
I want to keep on talking, so I find ways to lengthen our conversation. “Who’s your date?” I ask him. “I don’t have a date, how about you?” “Well, I also don’t have a date. But
there is a person who I wanted to be with right now…” “I guess you should at least be with
him right now and treasure every moment, since those will be memories to last.”
There is sadness in his tone, and I can see it through his eyes. I don’t have
to tell him that who I mean is him. I just wanted him to know that I’m in love,
deeply in love. “I think I don’t have to.” “Why do you say so?” “I just think that I don’t have to.
And I don’t feel like it.” Then silence follows afterwards. I just take a look at the radiant
blue sky above us. The clouds are barely present, and if you do see them,
they’re like very thin sheets of cotton scattered around the sky, just distances
away from the smile of the hot and bright sun. “We could be partners, you know…” He
says which makes me turn my head to face him who tries to suppress a smile all
along. “You’re joking.” I look at him, and
he does the same. “I am.” Then we both laughed
although nothing seems hilarious. Silence follows and I don’t like it.
It gives me the awkward feeling. We are still stuck at the glances of each
other, and something stirs inside me. I think it’s the feeling of being in
love, and it feels good inside. Right now, I want to feel being
fulfilled by pleasure and satisfaction, so I gently leaned closer to him.
Closer and closer, I close my eyes until I felt the tip of his nose touching
mine that my heart beats faster than it usually does. I can visualize him
looking at me and I don’t know how he feels, but most likely he is confused. I
can feel his warm breath on the top of my lips, under my nose. I can hear some
noises around, but I set it aside until I felt a pair of hands on both of my
shoulders that automatically halted me from trying to kiss him. I open my eyes
and the first I see is his face with the ‘confused’ look. The sounds can still
be heard, and I see him look above the sky and I did the same. I see an
airplane passing above us through the sky once again. I look at him, and in his eyes I see
that he longs to fly. I know that he thinks like a kid, but I just let him be.
I love him the way he is. “Why did you do that?” he asks me as
he turns and gives me a look. “I’m sorry, Josh. I just don’t know
why exactly. Maybe my mind is fully ‘loaded’ that I can’t think of anything to do.
I’m really sorry, Josh. I didn’t mean it.” I say as my eyes seem to move around
uncontrollably. “Okay, Mau.” I know that I’m lying. I meant to
kiss him, but it was interrupted. That’s what I’m thinking about all the time.
I know that I’m not having any troubles with my mind, it’s just… that is what I
think I want to do. “I just hope we will both forget
what happened between us, Josh. I don’t want issues.” “I know, but I think, it’s not worth
forgetting…” That makes me turn to face him
again. Something stirs inside me, and I can still feel my heart, beating very
fast. I think I’m kind of nervous. So I ask him “Why?” “I think I just can’t forget things
like this…” then he looks down at the ground while I’m wonderstruck with my
eyes unmoving and firmly fixated on him. “…because this is the first time I am
about to kiss a girl.” Oh really? I never thought that a
guy like him never had a girlfriend before! Well, maybe I’m just not the best
stalker that I haven’t even gave a thought if he had any girlfriend. “Oh, well. This is my first time,
though. Anyway, that doesn’t matter if you can’t forget this. What I just
wanted is ‘silence’ about this. Do you get what I mean, Josh?” “Yes… yeah…” he says. I just really hope
that he does understand.
Afternoon, I am with Johann, sitting
on the bench of the park. He said he has something very important to tell me so
I asked him about it. Instead he gave me the time and place on where and when
he would tell it to me. I just came at our ‘meeting place’ because I am eager
to know what he’ll be telling me. We have been here for quite a while;
having small chit-chats until eventually we came to silence. “Maurice…” he calls me so I look at
him. He then reached for both my hands and held it with his. “I know that sometimes I’m giving
you a hard time, and still you kept on understanding me…” he continues. “In
return, I have never given up and as time passes by, I fall deeply in love with
you. So now that the time has come, where love blooms like flowers in blossom,
when two hearts become one, I ask you…” he says that gives my heart the warmth
and makes me smile. “Maurice, can you be my girlfriend?” Only one thing is on my mind now
that he has asked me. Joshua, I think. Joshua is in my mind. I know I love Johann, but not the
way I do with Joshua, so I have one option. “Johann…” I say with my grip still
on his hand. “You are kind and you have been a part of my life, and you became
one of the people who cherish me. I always wanted to repay you for your
kindness, but yet I can do nothing so I just do my best as the least I can do
for you. If only I can follow my mind and not my heart then now I’m yours. But
I’m so sorry, Johann. I love somebody else, and it’s not you. I’m sorry.” His face then turns red and so does
his eyes. He really loves me, and I can tell through his reaction that he’s
hurt inside. Terribly hurt. I also wanted to cry because I just can do nothing
at times like this, and I can’t even comfort him. I can see the moist in his eyes
and he asks in a hollow voice, not the angry one, which I think is worse, “is
that so?” so I just look at the ground and answer him “I’m so sorry, Johann. I
didn’t mean -” “No, no. I understand.” And he
forced a smile. “May I know who this boy is?” “You already know him…” was all that
I can say. “Ahh, so you mean Joshua. Don’t
worry, I won’t do him harm…” which makes me smile. “You’re pretty good
together. You do well.” And silence followed afterwards.
April 06, 2013
(Saturday) This is our graduation day. We held
this ‘venue’ in the city’s gymnasium, which is just beside the park. There are
tears here, tears there; laughs and smiles here, same there. Mood varies from
here and there, but most of us are having the emotion of being both sad and
happy. For sure I will miss my high school life. Priceless memories are formed
during my high school days with my classmates, schoolmates, friends, teachers,
even with Johann and especially Joshua. By the way, that leads me back to me
that once was eager to know who that mystery “J” person is. As time passes by,
it just seems like I get tired of identifying who that person is, but still I
am very thankful for giving me gifts that make me feel special. I think about
it every time and when I try to observe both Johann and Joshua, I come to see
nothing with what I do which is senseless.
After the ceremony, which happened
to end earlier in the afternoon since the program started early in the morning,
my classmates and I had a group hug, which is very warm. I almost cried when I
see that some of them actually started to cry, and I saw one of my boy classmates
who silently wipes his tears and he was just trying to ride on by making
smiles. Our class adviser also came to and hugged us one by one. She had tears
in her eyes and she even said that we have been a wonderful class. That’s
touching. Johann even went to me and we hugged
together. I felt his heartbeat, which is unusual, and it just means that he
loves me. He still does. As I break with the hug, I see Joshua from a distance.
He makes his way outside the venue. He is still on our white ‘toga’ and so do
I. Johann may have seen the way I looked at him that he said “Go. Tell him now,
before it’s too late. This is your first, last and I think only chance,
Maurice.” I look at him again. “Thanks,
Johann.” And I give him a quick hug again then I make my way with the crowd,
rushing to where Joshua could be. That’s it. I still have to find him once I
get out. I just find myself walking alone
towards the bench I used to sit on in this park. As I reach it, I take a seat and
looked at the wonders of nature which can be visibly seen around. Green
grasses, big sturdy trees, many more wonders to see and the blowing of the cool
breeze adds to the effect. This gives me a calm and peaceful feeling inside. “There isn’t any airplanes around,
is there?” I know who that is by voice and the
way he talks. He sits next to me and even though I am looking ahead, I can
still see him through the ‘borders’ of my vision. The trees swaying in motion
brought by the cool breeze that pass by and leaves falling from those trees seems
like very special scenery for me and Joshua to do some lovely stuff around. It
seems like we’re both in a scene of love in autumn. “There isn’t, Josh” I say. I turn my
head and look at him. He is like a kid, with the sadness
on his face, and his eyelids seem so weak that his eyes are almost closing.
It’s cute to look at him that way, plus the factor that he seems to look like a
7"year old kid. Silence followed afterwards, as it
always does. I
must hurry. Time is running out! I should tell him. “Josh, there is something I want to
tell you…” “Sure, what’s that?” “I don’t know how to tell it, but I
just feel that I must tell it to you now. It’s now or never, okay?” “Uh " huh…” “Josh, I just want you to know that
I am always there to see you even though I used to hide from a distance.” I say
while looking at him. He turned his head and I managed to do that ‘eye " to "
eye’ contact with him. By the looks of his face, he looks surprised, but he
just keeps himself quiet. “I have been your stalker. Honest.”
I don’t know what to do at this point, so I just focused and maintained my eye
contact with him. “I tried to excel in class, even
though it was not a success…” I gulped then continued “… I just want you to
notice me, Josh. I really do.” “I even tried to kiss you once, do
you remember it?” He is silent. On his face retains
the ‘shock’ and ‘surprise’, but he responses to me by moving his head up and
down as a sign of ‘yes’. “To be honest with you, I mean it.” He then breaks our eye contact and
bows his head as he looks down to the ground. “Do you even know why I do all of
these, Josh?” He raises his head and looks at me
again, making the eye contact silently. “Because I love you, Josh. I love
you so much.” I say with my eyes about to moisten. “I mean it.” I don’t know for what reason, maybe
because of the happiness, tension and sadness that I feel within which brings
the moist in my eyes. I am happy because I am able to tell him now. I am sad
because I just graduated. I am tensed because I don’t expect anything after my
confession. I’m nervous about what will be the consequence. I’m afraid to face
it. I don’t think I can handle it if I get negative ones. “Mau…” he starts. “Thank you.” He then leans closer and gives me a lasting
hug. That was warm. “You know, I also want to tell you
something.” “Uh " huh…” is all I could say. “I would like to thank you for being
such a wonderful friend to me, Mau; for the care, and for the love…” he says
that brings a flash of a smile across my face “And I would like to say that I’m
sorry, Mau. You know, I tried to feel the same way but I just can’t. I know I
love you, but it’s just as a friend, Mau. So I’m really, really sorry.” When those words get into my ears, I
just can’t react. I just feel like I’m frozen inside and out. I don’t know what
to do now. Maybe let my tears fall and lament for what I got in return… The
impact of his words seems like big stones thrown to my heart. When he said
those words, those were just like the words he uses every day that seemed to be
so easy to tell, and he just avoided looking at me afterwards, so do I. I’m
terribly hurt inside, that I can’t take it. I am a person who tries to understand
things, so I just kept myself calm and try to accept the realistic fact that we
can never be for each other. “Okay then…” I say as I stand up. “I
understand, Josh.” I start to walk when… “Mau…” I looked back at him. He also stood up. His hands move as
if to initiate a hug. “For at least… maybe one last time… can I?” I wait no longer but I immediately
rush to him, and as I hug him, my tears keep on falling so I whisper on his
ear, “…always remember that in my heart you’ll stay, because I love you so
much, and nothing can change that…”
After that I just went to our house and locked myself in my own room. There I think about Joshua so much, that it keeps on breaking my heart all the time, and I let my tears fall freely. I think this is what they call a ‘heart break’, and I hate this. It seems like it kills me inside. What about his smiles? What about his behavior and the way he is? I don’t know but I just feel that there is something about that always.
July 07, 2013 (Sunday) Breaking
News! An airplane happened to crash before it landed on Texas Airport,
and sad to say, there were many victims. Some were dead, and some suffered from
injuries like burns… The report continues on and I focused when I hear: Here is a list of victims who passed away. That was the interruption of the
news team on television. I’m on the couch while eating potato chips. The names of the victims who died
cinematically appear on screen. I watch, reading their names one by
one, and then tears almost burst out of my eyes when the name of Joshua was
included in those victims who died. I have both feeling of confusion and
sadness. Just a few months ago, he broke my heart, yet my feelings toward him
never changed. After that day, we never communicated again. So that was our last
conversation. Just who could expect that to happen? I good guy like Joshua
never deserved something like that! I can accept that we’re not for each other,
but his death… I just can’t accept that he died that quick. I feel very weak right now. I just found
myself falling to the couch, sitting weakly with my eyes very moist and my
eyelids seem so heavy to feel. I badly wanted to go back in time
and do everything to stop him from going, if only he had told me that he’s
leaving. But I guess that’s the way it is. I wonder if he felt very hopeless on
the short seconds he had left before he had died. If only I was the one in that
plane instead and he was here, safe and sound, he could have never felt so
hopeless, trying to strive between life and death, if he did. But I really wish
that he didn’t.
August 03, 2013
(Saturday) I sit by my feet, making a distance
between me and the cement floor as I face his name embed on the gravestone of
his last resting place. I light a white candle with a match and place it on the
ground just a few inches away from the stone that sealed him inside. “Josh, it’s been a while…” I say as
I keep my tears from flowing. I am trying to be brave, and I think
keeping myself from tears consider that, but I can visualize my face, my eyes
and nose both red in color, as if I’m almost crying because of the feeling of
sadness and sorrow taking place inside of me, and Johann comforts me by patting
his hand on my back. Yes, we went here together. Up until now, I just can’t accept that
Joshua is gone. In my dreams, he always appears and seems to be happy. Well, he
smiles at me, a smile that has always been the best I have ever seen. Well, in
my dreams we never talk, I just see him smile. I think the meaning of those
dreams is that he wants me to get over and move on. He wants me to know that he
is happy there in ‘the other side’. “Thanks for coming to my dreams
anyway, at least in that way, you tell me that you are happy there to wherever
you are.” I say and I feel a tear that dropped from one of my eyes and I forced
a smile. I am not really that brave and strong that I can’t even contain my own
emotions and give in to them right away. “Well, I have come here to give you
some presents…” I say as I take a paper airplane from my bag. “I know, it’s
kind of funny and cheap that I brought you something like that here. But isn’t
it your dream to fly up high and soar above the sky someday?” I say as I
remember every moment when I saw him looking above the sky whenever there is an
airplane. That makes another set of tears falling from my eyes. I also remember the times when we
have our lunch together. How I badly wanted to go back at that times when he
used to make me feel special even though he don’t feel the same way… I just close my eyes then… I also want to tell you that I miss you so much, Josh. I miss those times when we used to be together, when we have our lunch together, when one time at the park before Christmas we bonded together, how we both see the way the sun sets, when we seem to hide secrets to each other through our diaries like kids, and often you try to take a peek… I say in my mind as if trying to communicate with him through that means and in that way, Johann doesn’t have to know about it since I won’t even bother saying anything. I still try to smile as a set of tears fell from my eyes again. …when
you joked about us being partners in valentines and we almost kissed as well.
And what I couldn’t forget, and even now I still can’t get over of, is when I
finally had the courage to tell you that I love you at the park where we used
to bond, but I got a negative response, which greatly broke my heart. That was
the last time that we did talk to each other, the succeeding days were empty,
just like now which is emptier, and it’s as if we’re back to being ‘lesser than
strangers’ again. It keeps on breaking my heart, but I just keep on holding on,
hoping that we will be like we used to, even if we’ll only be until that state
of relationship. My
moistened eyes are still closed and the grip of my hands to each other seems so
tight that it’s like I’m having too much pressure on it, and I let it be. And
lastly, I would like to tell you that my feelings toward you never changed,
Josh. They are always the same, and they will always be, so I would like to
tell you once again that I love you… so much… Well, I guess this is enough for
now… Then I open my eyes, up until now I
still try to keep tears away, even though sometimes they seem to be
uncontrollable that they just fall from my eyes. “Maurice…” Johann calls me. “Yep?”
is all I have for a reply. He then holds a brown book. It seems
to be worn and used much. I have never seen him bring that one, but that book
is familiar, so I ask him “What’s that?” “It is Joshua’s diary. To be honest,
before he left, we had a talk. He said that I have to give you this when ‘the
time comes’ and I guess I have to give this to you now.” I am confused. So, he wanted his
diary given to me? Why? I take it then turn, facing his
grave and I take my seat. Afterwards, I gently open its delicate cover. My
name is Joshua. I am 16 years old. I live a very simple life, but I am a person
who is used to be with crowd of people so most of the time I am surrounded by
my friends and even some who don’t know me, and I am happy for that. My dream
is very simple, to fly like those airplanes I usually see above the sky. It’s
pretty childish right? But I guess that’s the way it is. Well, I think that’s
too impossible, because I have a disease, a deadly one, which my family doesn’t
even have enough money to cure it with the help of the doctor which I think is
a specialist who resides to Texas, USA. Well, I have this friend of mine. I
call her Mau, although her real name is Maurice. We are of the same age. She
has a long black hair, cat-grey eyes and good stature and fair skin which I
also have. I heard that I am the only one that calls her by that name which
makes it better so that every time I’ll call her by her name, she would feel
special. Well, let’s get to the point: I dedicate this diary to her. And most
of the things written here are those that concern the both of us. That
is written on the first page of his diary. He dedicates this diary to me? Well,
I don’t know why. No reason is stated here, and I don’t want to be much of a
feeler to think about this differently. I wonder what he means with ‘a deadly
disease’. I flipped a few delicate pages until
I get to a certain page… August 19, 2012 I managed to talk to Maurice this day, and that’s thanks
to the airplane which happened to pass by when I approached her. Airplanes
serve as our connectors, and that’s why I like and love them. Since we only
talk whenever there is an airplane around, I just always wish that airplanes
were infinite and I wish that there were those to ‘connect’ us every day. I
even insisted that we could be closer, but she just said “I know,” which
doesn’t make any sense. Well, I recently found out that tomorrow is her
birthday. So, I asked her what day is tomorrow. Probably she didn’t get my
point that she answered me “Class day. Monday.” It was fun being with her anyway,
and I like it. I
flipped a page again and came to… August 20, 2012 I woke up early, very early so that no one may catch me
with what I did. I had been with Maurice in the afternoon. I saw her
writing on her diary, so I just waited until she is done then I joined her
company. I greeted her ‘happy birthday’ which I think surprised her. She asked
me how I knew, and I have no answer, because I’m a pretty good ‘spy’ that I was
able to know about her in a different way, but I lied instead and told her that
I learned about her birthday “through Facebook” which I think just made some
things worse that she was then led to think deeply. I lengthened our
conversation by asking her “How many gifts have you got?” and I was glad that
she was able to receive my gift. Well, it was just a nice yellow teddy bear
which have a red ribbon by its right ear, rubber brown nose and dark marble
eyes. It had a red heart, which had the letters “MJ” embed on its middle. Well,
“MJ” simply means Mau and Josh, which is the combination of our names. Don’t
question that, I just feel like it. I chose yellow as the teddy bear’s color
because I just knew that yellow is Maurice’s favorite color. Well, I also had a
green teddy bear that I secretly hid just to give Maurice’s teddy a partner. Tears
voluntarily fell down my eyes as I read this. I can’t believe that all the
time, that mystery “J” person is just Joshua, and he was very good in hiding
that. But why did I know this now that he’s gone? I just can’t believe that he,
who is usually with me, is the one that I am looking for, and I never even had
the chance to thank him, and what hurts the most is that I only happen to know
about this now that he’s gone. I flipped pages and read on some. He
said that he had great times whenever he’s with me. He even mentioned that we
became closer to each other, and that he noticed that I was observing him
sometimes if he was that “J” so he would pretend as if he also wanted to help
me. He also mentioned that he often caught me writing in my diary and how often
he also writes in his. Eventually, the page-flipping led me to… December 21, 2012 Again, I woke up very early because I sent Maurice a golden
heart-shaped pendant with the embed letters “MJ” in bright silver colors
inside. I watched her from a distance through the window as she opens it. I saw
that she’s very happy of what she got so that gave me the feeling of
contentment. Maybe she noticed my presence after a while that she looked
through the window. Luckily, I’m able to quickly hide somewhere nearby where I
am still able to see her, but too bad because of my rush, my “MJ” necklace fell
to the ground. I wanted to get it so I may have one for my own, because she
also do have one, as I’ve given her but she quickly rushed to see who’s
outside, so I don’t have a choice but to let it be since I’m not ready to
reveal myself yet. The wind blew that made her rub her eyes, most likely
because of the dust brought by the wind, that I think led her to see the
necklace. She picked it up, and she then kept it. How I wish I’d have a chance
to get it back, but since it’s in her hands, I think I don’t have to worry
anymore. He
should’ve told me that he’s “J”. He should’ve told me, I may have thanked him
as the least I can do. I flipped a page again… December
22, 2012 I am so happy this day! First thing was I had a great
time with Maurice the whole afternoon, and second was the good news my mom had
for me. She said that by the first week of July next year, we will be flying to
Texas to meet with the doctor and she said that he’ll help me recover. But I do
think that I’m not going to be ‘back to normal’ again, and I accept the fact
about that. Others who know me and my disease said that I will be cured but I
don’t believe them, because I myself can feel that death is not too far to take
me, and that it is drawing near. Oh, well, set that aside for a while, come
what may. This afternoon, I saw Johann and Maurice from a distance,
I think they have an argument or a small misunderstanding and I saw Mau running
towards the meadow of the park so I followed her. The background was wonderful,
and the ambience seemed so romantic, add the effect of only limited light from
the sun’s rays. She closed her eyes as if she’s focusing on something. An
airplane passed above us through the sky. Well, she didn’t seem to notice. So I
started with “You know…” as I lied with her on the bed of brown dried leaves.
She asked me how I got there, I just said “instincts” and I just hope that that
does it. When the airplane was gone, I noticed that she’s almost crying. I know
she’s bearing something inside so I tried to be a friend. I even joked about if
she loves Johann which she denied. Then I asked her about who she loves. She
just silently stared at me until a tear fell down her eyes. I never got any
answer. We just stayed like that, had a little chit-chat and then she just
stood up and left when it’s almost 6pm so I followed her. When the sun is about to set, we positioned ourselves so
we could never miss any moment of the sun set. We had small chit-chats again
until we stared at the amazing beauty our eyes could see, as the sun makes its
way down and behind the two mountains far ahead in the horizons. I asked her
how she feels, she told me she felt better and she thanked me then. Well, I’m
surprised with what she did then. It made my heart beat faster since I think
this is the first time we ever became very close to each other. She hugged me!
And we greeted each other “Merry Christmas” which brings warmth to my heart. I
see, that’s why he left on the 7th day of July, because he was
supposed to fly to Texas for treatment. And this is a long one, but when I read
it, it also brings warmth to my heart. The heat in my eyes intensified as a
sign that I will really cry hard if I lose control, but I keep on reading until
I reached… February
14, 2013 Valentines! This morning, I had a pretty good time with Maurice in
the Social Studies LRC. We greeted each other with “Happy Valentines” and we
talked about who our dates were, as if we have any. If I’ll be given a chance,
I would like her to be my date, but then she said that she wanted to be with
someone special. In her tone lies the feeling of being in love. I can feel it,
then I said that she should be with him then but she said that there’s no need
to. I don’t know what goes in her mind, but it’s just… she’s being evasive with
that topic. I jokingly initiated that we could be partners. Even though it
seems to be a joke to her, I think, I mean it. With that, it led to us being
stuck at the glances of each other. We almost kissed, and I almost gave in, but
there was an airplane above that pulls me back to my senses. I should not do
it. And before anything happened, we are both halted. I asked her why she did
that then, and she said that she’s having hard time thinking, but I don’t
believe that. She then asked for apology and to forget what happened which I
eventually agreed to. Well, if she hadn’t tried to kiss me I still haven’t
known. It’s pretty obvious since the start but I am a type of person who would
look for a strong proof before believing my own thoughts because I want to be
always sure of what I do. I knew from the start that she likes me, I’m not much
of a feeler but I just said what I knew about. And when she attempted to kiss
me, it was different. What I felt is love, which is worse. I love Maurice, I really do. In fact, I’m deeply in love
with her, and I don’t know why. It’s just I don’t want her to be hurt in both
inside and outside. That’s why even though I love her, and she loves me, I myself
would be finding ways to protect her from the hurt which is brought by loss,
because of my disease, which is deadly. I don’t want to specify the name of my
disease, just think of it as a very deadly one. It is a silent killer. If I ever be successful in reaching Texas, will it be
100% sure that my doctor could help me be completely cured from my disease? If
I undergo certain medications, can that be 100% successful? And once I reach
Texas, will my parents even have enough for us to return? I am not sure about
my answers, but my instincts tell me that I am not most likely to survive this. Well, if I would admit my feelings to her, do you think
it will make any better? I think it won’t, because if she would know about it,
she will love me more, and her love will go deeper and deeper and when I die, I
just can’t imagine her in such indefinable pain brought by my loss. And I don’t
want that to happen. I want her to excel in her life and just think about me
like how she thinks of everybody else. This
brings another set of tears from my eyes, I am happy, because Josh loves me all
the time, but his love is just so deep that he is willing to sacrifice just to
protect me from the hurt brought by the loss of someone you really love. I am
sad, because I just knew that he loves me while he’s been keeping it all along,
bearing it all himself, afraid for me to be terribly hurt. I flipped another set of pages. It
leads me to this… April 06, 2013 Graduation! I am happy because I graduated this day, and I am sad
because of what happened between me and Maurice. Well, we were at the bench she
used to sit on in the park, and she told me that she wanted to say something. I
let her be, and she started to tell me things until she got straight to the
point and finally did say that she loves me so much. I was a bit surprised,
because I never expected a confession to happen after the graduation. And I was
not really surprised, because I know that she loves me as well. Things come
into my mind after she said those words. Then I thanked her and gave her a warm
hug. My heart went wild again, but I let it be, I don’t think that she could
have felt it. “Am
I going to be completely cured after sometime?” “If ever I can go to Texas, can
I still return?” “Am I going to survive this?” I asked myself on my mind with
those questions, and I got only one answer. “No.” So, I tried being nice by
telling her good things, like how wonderful she was as a friend, and then came
the greatest lie that I had ever done all my life. I denied my feelings by
telling her that I don’t feel the same way towards her, and she said that she
understood as she stood up, but I think not. She don’t, she’s only trying to. Well, instincts have been telling me that that was our
last conversation, so I also stood up and initiated a hug. I said that the hug
was “at least for one last time.” Well, she waited no longer, and she flew to
my arms and cried really hard. I could tell that through the sounds she made
and the tears I felt on my back. Well, she said something I think I could never
forget all my life, it was “…always remember that in my heart you’ll stay,
because I love you so much, and nothing can change that…” I also can’t take it,
so I gave in to what I felt and silently cried, until we broke from the hug. This made me cry as well, because I
really believed him when he told me that he don’t feel the same way. So, that’s
why he asked if we could hug for at least one last time, because instincts
itself made him feel it. Truly, Josh had been a good actor.
First, I really didn’t even think that he was “J.” Second, he acted just so
well that I really believed that he don’t love me. But that was all because he
loves me, and I think I don’t have to go discuss it because you know why. I stand up, with tears on my red
eyes, and my nose and face pressured by my cries. I close the diary, I can’t take
flipping those pages anymore. I give Johann a hug, and I sob on
his back. Then the cool breeze comes like a loud whisper, so I look back at
Joshua’s grave. The paper plane flies and what’s more fascinating about it is
how it flies up to the blue cloudy sky and then I didn’t get to see it after a
while. I think, in the plane resides the spirit of Joshua. It flies, and I hope
it does soar around the skies above us, at least for Joshua. I close my eyes,
and let a final set of tears fall. I hope that through that paper plane, he finally
gets what he always dreamt about.
“…
in my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky …” “…
in my heart there’ll always be a place for you for all my life …” Joshua, in my dreams I’ll always see you soar above the sky, as you always dreamt about. Our memories will become stories to tell, and in my heart you’ll always stay. Nothing or no one can replace your place in it. And since you’re in there, I can be rest assured that wherever I am, there you’ll be. © 2014 PrimeFeatured Review
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