Shattered dreams on bloodied sheets

Just another notch on the bedpost

She succumbed to perfected charm
from a honey coated tongue,
each lie to her a beautiful truth
by the louche, pitch perfect sung.

He knew another notch was carved,
the fourth glass of wine his knife,
a small room booked in a small hotel
where she'd dream of being his wife.

She gave the thing she most held dear
early mornings light brought shame,
her virginity lost to a would be Prince
him now a frog without a name.

Her shattered dreams and fairy tales
on the sheets in blood loud said,
" the frog he bought your innocence
with cheap words and cheaper red "

Reviews

[barleygirl]

I'm not sure if the blood on the sheets comes from giving up her virginity, or if there is something more sinister going on in this small motel room!?!?! Either way, it makes for a spooky sparking of the reader's imagination. Your writing is well-done with good rhyme & rhythm & vivid metaphors. This makes for an intense warning about giving away any of our tender parts to some near-stranger in the night! I like the way this can be interpreted in a number of ways.

[Gee]

Thank you Miss B

[Alexa Apothic Red]

This piece instantly hooked me!! Excellent writing and a cheap scene I know too well myself. I love the 4th glass of wine as his weapon. Brilliant!

[Gee]

Thank you..

[Ardra]

the frog he bought your innocence
with cheap words and cheaper red "

Beware of frogs then :)

I like the way gave it the touch of fairy tale with a twisted end..:)

[Gee]

Thank you..

[boobalajcushion]

Haha, this is great. So fitting with the times also, often come across people who will say anything to get into your underwear. Luckily, I met a gentleman, but I did wonder a few times if this kind of scenario would play out with him! All your poems are really great, I admire your style :)

[Gee]

Got to say I was a nightmare in my youth !!!
Thank you, you're very kind.

[Northern_darkness]

You´re a great writer! To tell a story through a poem is really hard but you´ve done it.

[Gee]

I muddle through. Thank you

[emipoemi]

A gripping tale told with a relatively fluid musicality and strong imagery to keep readers thinking..... trying to get to the heart of the meaning. Well done!

[Gee]

Thank you Emi

[Carol Cashes]

New to the world of poetry, my critiques are full of cliches, but I know what I like...and I like rhymes. To be able to express a complete thought and rhyme it...that's a skill I don't have and admire greatly in those who can. That being said: You rhymed an entire short story. Favorite lines: "He knew another notch was carved, the fourth glass of wine his knife, a small room booked in a small hotel where she'd dream of being his wife." An old story told with new lines. Well done.

[Gee]

Thank you Carol. Very simple fare compared to some that I read on this site

[Great Aunt Astri]

Your well structured poem give credence to your warning, 'on the perils of drinking'!

[Gee]

Thank you Auntie

[Maxwell Ryder]

I love this!
Virginity destroyed over a bottle of red.

[Gee]

Cheers Maxwell

[William Gardner]

It feels unfinished some how, a break in the flow- Like it should say: For shame?
Ah please we've all been that foolish no? Why toss and turn over growing up, no matter how much we don't want to, we do.

[Gee]

I would need help to count all of my foolish.
Might revisit to finish off with "her " thoughts, feelings on the nights proceedings.
Thanks William

[William Gardner]

I guess, it comes down to this. is the story the moment, or is the story the moment after? Often, it feels good to capture the id, the now, especially since that it always passing so quickly now. I do wonder if there is more in this particular piece, it feels like there is more, for what it's worth.

[Ken Simm.]

In my humble opinion this style is where your greatest strengths lie. I think you need an edge to your work rather than a romance. Although your songs are nothing to be sniffed at these punch with words rather than sooth with pastorale description and I personally find that far more complete a write.

[Gee]

Cheers Ken, I'm chuffed that you think I have any strength to my simple offerings.