Twelve Shoes

A slow walk with pallbearers.

Black filled the pews
not one head raised
each bowed as if in prayer,
twelve shoes
six steps in unison
slow bore their reason there.

Down aged flags
that echoed loud
off stone and ancient glass,
these men of death
clad dark as night
heartbroken lines did pass.

As footsteps stilled
amazing Grace
through oaken beams soared high,
grief seared the cheeks
washed broken hearts
that questioned only "Why"

Then silence reigned
the air hung still
lost love they gently laid,
twelve shoes they bowed
then took their leave
having last respects thus paid.

RIP Ray Board
A true gentleman

Author's Note

Dipping a toe in the solemn, been a while. If any ideas to improve feel free, I'm always willing to learn. Thank you
2nd stanza to be changed perhaps
Flags are flagstones, slabs of stone

Reviews

[Tom]

You capture the solemn mood of the pallbearers and mourners alike to quite palpable effect!

Wouldn't change a thing...this is a poignant, respectfully penned poem...top write my friend!

[Gee]

Thank you Tom

[several thousand]

Beautiful poem Gee.
Loved these lines:
grief seared the cheeks
washed broken hearts
Amazing imagery. Stay inspired.

[Gee]

Thank you..

[Papaya]

Somber mood in this piece , fitting for such a solemn occasion. Beautiful poem.

[Gee]

Thank you, I appreciate greatly you reading and more importantly enjoying

[barleygirl]

Definitely the most original & interesting way I've ever seen anyone describe a funeral. I love that you didn't use anything cliché, even tho this is a commonly written scenario. Each line is well-crafted to show us the progression of ceremony & grief, yet so many unique ways of expressing this: "amazing grace thru oaken beams soared high" (great sensory description) . . . "lost love they gently laid, twelve shoes they bowed" . . . so well described.

[Gee]

Thank you, I try not to be to " samey "

[Farah Husain]

I found this very atmospheric with beautiful descriptions which evoked the solemn mood of the piece. Well done.

[Gee]

Thank you kindly

[ReedWrite]

I really lived this piece, and yes, it's deep and dark in a way...and I am all about dark poetry, lol.
I think, if it were me, I'd go with flagstones, as opposed to flags...I'd also add a ? after the word 'Why'.
The only reason I'd add the ?, is that it's a visual cue to the brain that emphasizes the question...sort of driving it home...and I think in this context that is the feel you want to generate...that deep, soul-wrenching cry..."Why?" I loved the flow in this poem...it was slow and solemn and measured...which is exactly the mood you want. I personally liked the "oaken" choice...and my favorite line was: that echoed cold/off stone and ancient glass,
Great imagery. Nice job!

[Gee]

Thank you kindly

[Maria12]

Brilliant,Gee.I just wonder if you might change "oaken" as it is a little cliched? What do you think? Oak is not right for the metre.How about" old oak beams".I love it.You have produced a beautiful set of images ,all the metre is perfect.I only criticise because usually people like it and that's why we are here.I love all of your poems that I have read so far.You are skilled and full of feeling.

[Gee]

Intake it as a suggestion not criticism, and will consider your option. Thank you for your very kind words

[Gee]

I take......

[Maria12]

Thank you.I am glad you are happy for suggestions.

[Anthony Wayne]

This is a beautiful poem, solemn and respectful. I really like the imagery of the mourners "clad dark as night".

A suggestion for a slight change - maybe add "the sweet sound of" before Amazing Grace

[Gee]

Hi Anthony, cheers. Will consider your offered suggestion. Thanks

[emmajoy]

... 'grief seared the cheeks ~ washed broken hearts ~ that questioned only "Why" '

Memories flew after reading this a second time. First off, i wanted to cry.

This is more than a touching and visual piece. Tis hard to analyse your emotion, the tension of the .. i suppose, ritual of such an event. There are poems and tales that i call 'beautiful sadness.' This is one of them, made memorable by your gentle but specific language.

[Gee]

Thank you for the wonderful comments

[Drama Child]

Such sadness with well written imagery, expressed through beautiful rhyme. I think the 2nd stanza is perfect as is.

[Gee]

Cheers, thanks for taking the time to read and comment