Alive but not living.

Alive but not living.

A Poem by Gee
"

Living after the death of a life-long love

"
In armchair old his body slumped
beside the unlit fire,
in a rested state, serenaded by
that evenings crickets choir.

Old and weary, bathed and clean
fresh clothes against his skin,
a hearty meal he'd tiredly ate
lay heavy deep within.

His age lined face, sun baked and dry,
fatigued, tired eyes half shut,
a ribbon red on jaw line shaved
where carelessly he'd cut.

Strains of "their" song filled the air
a smile played 'cross his lips,
he pictured his wife of fifty years
as she was all breasts and hips.

A tear he wiped from parchment cheek
a tear of loss and love,
two years now since she left his arms
to wait for him above.

Two years alive not living
he wanted off life's ride,
ready now in prayer he'd asked
to be taken to her side.











© 2017 Gee


Author's Note

Gee
Might have tenses muddled,confuse myself at times

My Review

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Reviews

Tenderly sentimental

Great Read

Matthew

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

Thank you...
Matthew Kult

7 Years Ago

Welcome

Matthew
This is beautifully crafted with strong rhyme & rhythm. Love it! I have seen this man many times over. You've painted it so realistically, with careful but not overdone details - perfectly understated, just like this man. They are living alone in cabins & mobile homes, dotting the hills around me . . . (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

Thank you..
Beautiful
Moving
Sentimental

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

Thank you..
Hello! I run an Instagram account that promotes the work of others, I am in love with this piece and was wondering if I’d be able to post it *you will be credited of course*

Posted 7 Years Ago


This comment has been deleted by the poster.
Gee

7 Years Ago

No but thanks for reviewing
My grandpa prayed a lot and would talk out loud in his room to my grandma after she passed away. He missed her terribly.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

That's sad. If there is a God, which I doubt, I'd selfishly ask he take me before my wife as life wi.. read more
Poetic Beauty

7 Years Ago

It was heartbreaking to hear him tell her how much he missed her. They were married over 50 years wh.. read more
The title looks so crisp and creative.
Wow! You've described it so well to form images in my mind.
Kudos:)

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

Cheers......
So many truths in your words here Gee. My Mum has been waiting fifteen years to be with my Dad again. Fifteen years of living as half of who they were, never morbid, just ready. What are meant to be our golden years, our twilight, becomes a punishment for outlasting others, staring at that fireplace and wishing, wishing, wishing.
A truly beautiful and profound piece.

Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

Thank you Nemo, hoping I pop my clogs before the good lady wife, but not for a wee while yet
Beautiful, bittersweet poem. I saw my grandfather go through exactly this after my grandmother passed away. The imagery is amazing, ‘old and weary, bathed and clean’ and ‘Two years alive, not living,’ spoke to me.

Some constructive criticism:

In the first stanza the meter feels off to me, specifically the ‘serenaded by,’ part. I read ‘serenaded’ as having four syllables maybe in should have three. Also I would drop the ‘s’ on ‘crickets’ to make it ‘cricket choir’. It just rolls off the tongue easier that way.

In the second stanza, ‘a hearty meal he’d tiredly ate,’ struck me, because my grandfather basically stopped eating much after grandma died, though he would put the same portions on his plate. So I read the line and thought, ‘a hearty meal he’d hardly ate,’. Just a thought.

In the fourth stanza, ‘he pictured his wife of fifty years,’ the image is good but the meter feels off. How about, ‘he sees his wife of fifty years,’?

Again, wonderful poem, I look forward to reading more of your work!

*Disclaimer: None of what I have written was meant as an attack. It is simply me trying to help make the piece the best it can be through constructive criticism. All of the above is my opinion and as such the author can take it or ignore it as they wish!


Posted 7 Years Ago


Gee

7 Years Ago

Hi Lawrence, I will look at your suggestions and tweak as required, thank you. No need for the discl.. read more
Your metre is perfect and I only saw one possible grammar point It is really beautiful expressing with great success the way this man is feeling after eating his dinner and sad thoughts and feelings wander into his mind as he rests.I think it is wonderful

Posted 8 Years Ago


Gee

8 Years Ago

Thank you kindly
I suppose losing someone is bad enough, but being unable to cope with the memory must be devastating.
Life's ride is a long one. Great write.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Gee

8 Years Ago

Hopefully Paul, hopefully. Thanks for having a read and commenting

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1870 Views
46 Reviews
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Added on January 2, 2015
Last Updated on November 15, 2017
Tags: love, loss, life, death.

Author

Gee
Gee

Milton keynes, United Kingdom



About
Devoted family man and lover of life. Simply written, easily understood "stuff" for those without code breaking skills. You will NEVER need Google to understand me:) more..

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