There is No Light Tonight

“I don’t know which to hold onto tighter; my mind or my faith. I am struggling to keep grasp on either of them; they are both slipping away from me. Slipping, slipping, and slipping into the choking darkness, eating my soul.”

I take a step forward, hoping to go nowhere. I think to myself, Nowhere? That is better than this place. I take another step, hopeful that I might find this Nowhere that I speak of and find a certain peace from this. I ignore my extreme fear lift my head and I gently tilt my head upwards and I look around, not out of bravery or some sort of vigor but because I had nothing else to do. I had not found Nowhere but rather I was still here, in this damp cold place. I looked, and I saw nothing; nothing but the deep dark blackness behind the sheets of patiently falling snow. And with that glance, I felt them glancing back at me. I had accomplished it. I was there. I was Nowhere. I was out of Hell and back into my torment. Oh, how I missed you sweet savory taste of existence! I’ll never stray again!

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I awake in the night abruptly. I know there are shadows staring at me; all around me. The empty faces of the night sucking me dry. I walk slowly over to the laboratory anxious to find the light. It was an irrational decision. I did not think it through! I wanted to turn back, cover my face and go back to sleep but that opportunity had passed me. I could feel them already right behind me, crawling in, whispering things I used to listen to. They would reveal to me that knowledge that I shouldn't need to know had I given them the chance. I kept my eyes down, trying not to focus on anything. I was afraid I might see one of them; those godless creatures; faceless insects. 

I don't know how I reached the light, but I did. I had pushed through the darkness not with courage; not some kind of fearless vigor against all opposing darkness but with fear itself! But now the Light had filled the room, and I could hear them stirring, growling, whispering within me, around me. But my fear had subsided as a wave returns to the ocean.

Author's Note

I have literally dealt with this struggle personally. This is not a work of fiction, but non fiction that has been concentrated with artistic value. My therapist calls it schizophrenia, and I believe in science and psychology but I also believe in God and demons.

Reviews

[Dusty]

I have met some schizophrenic people before- nicest ones of many people I have met... Their alters sometimes numbered over 300... You are very brave to write about this state of mind.. I hope all is going well for you, and the story was amazing... perfectly described it all.. Nice job!

[Saturn's Lover]

What a great write! So detailed and full of imagery. What a personal struggle you describe here. I know everyone has their own demons that they deal with on a daily basis. Writing is a great form of therapy. It's the only thing keeping me sane sometimes, i know.

[vinny ciambriello]

I don't get it. Are you trying to be deep? Is this the craziness inside? Okay, but it's not a story. Maybe a description of a nightmare, but if you want a story, you'll need more than this.

[Dancing Butterfly]

good story i like this one. keep on writting :) this is awesome

[Dancing Butterfly]

I like that what an awesome poem.

[A Touch of Insanity:)]

I really appreciate this piece, I love when writers write about their own struggle. I find it extremely amazing that you combined the truth with an artistic flair, and yet it still seems as if the piece is 100% real and terrifying....Beautiful :)

[heido]

"I looked, and I saw nothing; nothing but the deep dark blackness behind the sheets of patiently falling snow"

I have come to believe that if there was ever a time for miracles it was among the snow. In winter, when the earth breathes in and life stills for rebirth.

This is lovely.
Your ability to take apparently apposing ideas and combine them as a whole characteristic is refreshing. One does not have to be eternally conflicted to see the truth in all things.

[bluessadmood]

You described this so nicely..there is always fear in us ,especially of dark places..
whatever is unknown or like hidden and could not be seen causes fear
the dark surely brings fear..even the eyes trying to accomodate to see
through ,through their stress the vision may fail and you just think you see some strange things
its just pictures wrongly sent to the mind and looked at as strange objects..
i dont think there is anything wrong in what you are seeing..its just normal
brain work..such imagination and ability to write beautifully definitely
shows a wonderful mind..a very creative mind,everything is ok i think..never worry
lovely write..

[Keevan]

wow great job! I have not dealt with this struggle, and I can't imagine dealing with it now! Very deep and emotional.

[Red Brick Keshner]

There is a symphonic manner in the flow of words, bringing the reader into the heart of this struggle. Intense and moving.