Gate Lords: The Rise of Legba

Gate Lords: The Rise of Legba

A Chapter by Ricardy Ricot
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This is an excerpt

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Gate Lords:

The Rise of Legba

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ricardy Ricot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright © 2012 by Ricardy Ricot

 

Published by Ricot Publishing

 

I

 

    Time slowed. And Legba felt at peace. He had just opened the First Gate. He was acutely aware of his surroundings, of the slightest breeze on his skin. He could taste the dryness in the air. The tiniest of noises sounded like ruckus to his ears. And his eyes bore sharply through the enveloping darkness, making sense of the mural details of the hallway.

    The guards were already catching up with him. Six men armed with spears and wearing breastplates were running down the hallway, coming right at him and yelling. In the darkness, Legba smiled. Six were perhaps a bit too much for him in his current weakened condition. But he had to get rid of them. They would get in the way of his search.

    “Surrender now,” said a gruff voice “and you might live to see another day”.

    Legba chuckled. “You are the ones who should leave me alone if you value your life. My purpose here is no concern of yours,” he said.

    “Such insolence!” replied the same person in that gruff voice. He was probably their officer. “Seize him at once!”

    And so the guards advanced on him. Since the alley didn’t offer enough space, they came down by two, spears first.

    Legba felt like just standing there and do nothing. He felt like just waiting, waiting, and waiting forever. It was such a bother to defend himself, such a bother to dodge the incoming attack. But he took a grip on himself. That was the trouble with opening the First Gate. While greatly enhancing the senses, it also created a sense a detachment from reality in the one who opened it, making him feel weary of everything, even of life. Some people had even died of starvation that way, finding it too troublesome to even feed themselves. It was a useful but dangerous power.

    For Legba’s enhanced vision, the guards were progressing in slow motion. He suddenly leaped forward, unsheathing his sword as he went and slashing at the neck of the closest guard. He fell on the floor, gasping for breath, not quite realizing what had happened. Red stained his golden breastplate.

    Legba continued his deadly advance, not even giving his opponents the time to be startled. He was slashing at necks, at arms, at legs, at any open skin he could find, and dodging spear points. The guards couldn’t move their spears at ease in such a restricted space, which put Legba at an advantage. One he was fully using.

    In the end, he was the only one left standing, and his sword was dripping wet from blood. They didn’t give him as much of a challenge as he had expected. Pathetic.

    Legba could clearly feel its presence now. What he was looking for. Before, it was just a faint existence, now he almost felt it pulsing, calling for him. Maybe it was awakened by the freshly spilled blood.

    He couldn’t understand why Amokh had chosen this god forsaken temple, in this wretched corner of Vallanya to hide it. Didn’t he realize how much more powerful it would make him, how strongly it would establish his authorities over the other gods? True that Amokh ruled over the gods, but he couldn’t stop them from squabbling and waging wars against each others. He himself had to suppress rebellions aimed at dethroning him along the years. Yet, with this, certainly no god would dare dispute his sovereignty.

    Legba burst into the priests’ quarters. They were awake. They started yelling at him, but when they saw his crimson sword, they hastily retreated. He paid them no mind.

    He could still feel the object of his search pulling at him, but lower this time, as if coming from below ground. He could see no trap door on the floor. He did not have the time nor the patience to find a path. So, he opened the Second Gate.

    A considerable amount of strength rushed through his arms and legs, filling them. He hasn’t felt so powerful in a very long time. The Second Gate bestowed enormous strength and stamina when opened. Few people have ever reached that stage. Few could even open the first Gate. Yet, he knew he couldn’t sustain opening the Second Gate for more than a few minutes. It was too risky. He quickly stomped on the ground and as expected, it gave way. He fell into a large empty room. By cracking, the ground had produced a massive cloud of dust and he started sneezing. He always hated dust. He immediately let the Second Gate close itself.

    The room he fell into was rather large and circular with walls seemingly cut from stone. There was no door that he could see. Probably one was hidden in the wall and would only open at the activation of the right mechanism. Torches hung from the walls and shed their light over a crudely made stone altar placed at the center. On top of that altar, laid a sword with a bare and slightly curved dark blade. The hilt was silver without any decoration. Exactly what Legba came looking for tonight.

    The pulse he was feeling all this time came directly from that odd-looking sword. That was probably the most powerful weapon in the entire world. LightCaster it was called. Rumors had it that it was forged by the first god to walk the surface of the world, Ammonra the GateKeeper himself, many millennia ago. Now that he was up close, Legba could feel a formidable amount of evil and hatred emanating from the sword. It was akin to a bottomless pit of evil. So much evil that it was suffocating. And Legba was trying hard not to succumb to it.

    He moved his hand to seize LightCaster and he felt the power. Enough power to lay waste to cities, to topple kingdoms and even threaten the gods on their thrones. Certainly with this much power, he would have the right to rule.

    “You don’t want to touch that thing, young man,” came a voice behind him.

    There, stood an old man dressed in a long free flowing grey robe. His scalp was bald and his chin was closely shaved. The grand-priest most likely. Legba didn’t see him coming, nor did he hear him. And he could have sworn he wasn’t in the room earlier. Maybe he was another Gate user and came down the same way as Legba. Or perhaps there really was a hidden door somewhere around.

    “Who are you, old man?” asked Legba.

    “My name is Fra. And I am grand-priest in this temple dedicated to Ammonra. But who I am is of no matter. What matters is that you desecrated this place tonight and came to steal what Emperor Amokh himself gave us for safekeeping many generations ago.”

    “Oh. Ammonra is it? He died eons ago. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind my little adventure here tonight.”

    “You blaspheme, child! It is true that Our Lord died saving us from the shadows. Nevertheless he still watches over his children. He still lives inside us, among us and continues protecting us every day. This is how strong his love for us is.”

    Legba couldn’t decide if he felt puzzled or if he just felt like chuckling. He hated theology. A bunch of nonsense, according to him. He never really paid much attention to religious doctrines.

    “But I digress,” continued the priest. “The matter at hand stays that this sword is way too dangerous and that you don’t have the slightest idea what you are meddling with.”

    “LightCaster”

    “What?”

    “LightCaster. It’s name is LightCaster.” Legba was motioning to the sword on the altar.

    “How? How did you learn this name? The gods themselves took care to erase all records of its existence! They went to great length to make it as if it was never forged! Who are you?”

    As he was talking, the priest’s expression started to change. His confidence was fading. And fear replaced it. Legba grinned but did not answer him.

    “As a servant of Lords Ammonra and Amokh,” continued the grand-priest when he saw he would get no response, “it is my duty to prevent this weapon from falling into the wrong hands, even at the cost of my own life. Its propensity for destruction is way too formidable. So, young stranger, prepare yourself. Tonight, you draw your last breath!” And he opened the Second Gate.

    Not at all impressed, Legba reached and seized LightCaster.

 

 

 

    Arky was annoyed. No, she was more than annoyed. She was upset. She kept gravitating from one flock of politically important and influential people to another. They each made sure to personally congratulate her, yet she felt empty inside. She felt a stranger in this ball being organized in her honor. She had never asked for it.

    She was Arky of House Hoheimer, the royal family of Vallanya, and as such, she could never escape fame, no matter how hard she tried. She was the second born of King Teon and Queen Elisa, the beloved rulers of Vallanya. They were much respected and for just cause. Under their reign, the kingdom has been very prosperous. They continued the forward looking style of government established by previous Hoheimer rulers many centuries ago. Technological innovations were flourishing. Arts and the sciences were greatly encouraged and even patronized by the royal house and other noble families. Some say that was even why Hoheimer was the longest living dynasty apart from the immortals, of which, some have been ruling since the Saving of the world.

    Arky knew since she was a little girl that her older brother, Mal, would be the one to inherit the kingdom one day. The heir to the throne was always the first born, no matter the gender. Arky was fine with all of it. From her point of view, it was more of a blessing. She was way more interested in academia than in state affairs, which she sometimes finds quite boring. So, having no responsibility, she had the opportunity to dive as much as she wanted in the study of the Mathematical sciences, History, Chemistry, and Biology. Though she was not quite nineteen years old, she understood the motions of objects in space and rates of change as much as any other scholar or perhaps even better.

    She was working on two significant projects at the time. On one side, she was helping the royal architects design a faster and more military potent ship, one that would reinforce their naval supremacy over the Tergrian Sea and keep the Amokhian Empire in check. On the other, she was reconstructing the history of conflicts between that nation and hers. She wanted to understand why they were always at odds, except when they had to accept some temporary truce for the benefit of their respective subjects. Yet, her innocent life has been abruptly shattered.

    The Malakhian envoy had come yesterday. Malakhia, a powerful ally of Vallanya, had a weird government system. The throne was not hereditary. At the death of the King, the most powerful nobles, called electors, would gather and elect a new ruler. Sometimes, the new ruler would come from within a Malakhian noble house, but most often, it would be from a house foreign to Malakhia. Almost always, they would choose someone from a foreign royal house, yet one who would have no chance of inheriting the throne in his own country. According to the Malakhians, their system prevented conflicts of power among them and kept them united.

    The Malakhan throne was empty again. So, they sent their representatives toward Vallanya, their ally. Who would be better to rule Malakhia than Princess Arky of House Hoheimer? That powerful House who inspired fear and awe among all the nations of the world. And, as simple as that, Arky was offered the Malakhan throne.

    “This is such a great occasion” was saying Reim, the chief envoy, cheerfully. “Imagine it! An Hoheimer on the throne of Malakhia! Both countries united by the same blood.  I’m sure that under your reign, Pincess Arky,  Malakhia will usher in a state of progress like it had never known before. Or should I start calling you Your Majesty now?” He chuckled.

    “I am delighted by the amount of trust you place in my abilities, count Reim,” replied Arky. “But I’m afraid you overestimate me.”

    “Nonsense!” Reim’s tone was always ever so jovial. “You are of Hoheimer blood. Descendant of the Great Baes himself, companion of Ammonra during the Saving! Very few Houses can claim such close proximity of blood to one of the Heroes! As it is known, they seldom sired children. Baes and Amokh are the only known exceptions.”

    Reim was referring to the popular, yet not proven, belief that one of the Heroes created House Hoheimer. According to legends, Baes used to rule Vallanya. But seven centuries ago, he tired of politics, sired a son and vanished. Nobody has ever been able to find him. Meanwhile, his son started the Hoheimer dynasty and the line has been unbroken ever since. Since Baes is one of the immortals, the Hoheimer are regarded almost as gods and some people have even taken to worship them. But, it was silly. Arky didn’t feel different than any other person.

    King Teon had hurried to accept the Malakhian proposal, of course. Such opportunity to put another Hoheimer at the head of another country couldn’t be left to pass. Moreover, both countries will be drawn closer. And the better they would stand their ground against the Amokhian Empire. Besides, how could he decline giving away his daughter to the Malakhians as their Queen? Such refusal could have hampered their diplomatic relations and created mistrust, and that was the last thing he wanted.

    Everyone of some importance was at the ball tonight. And those who couldn’t come themselves have sent their representatives. It was a great event after all. One that was very popular among the Vallanyans.

    The Amokhian ambassador was present as well, more somber looking than usual. Diplomacy commanded that he present his congratulations to the soon to be new Queen of Malakhia. But no doubt, he had used all of his influence to prevent the crown from being offered to her. But tonight’s ball was proof that he had failed. Arky caught herself wishing he hadn’t.

    “This is a great day for both Vallanya and Malakhia,” was saying the duchess of Bailis. “I am sure you will be a good ruler, loved and respected by your subjects.”

    But Arky wasn’t paying attention to her. From the corner of her eye, she noticed Mal entering the room. He was accompanied by Tara, her childhood’s friend. Happy to find a pretext to slip away, Arky formulated a vague excuse to the duchess, and without waiting for her reply, she headed toward her older brother.

    He was dressed in that azure admiral uniform he reserved for formal ceremonies. At twenty-three, he was already among the most decorated in the Vallanyan navy. His stature was imposing, which contributed to his air of authority. But people who knew him noticed that he had above all, a playful and friendly personality.

    Mal was addressing Tara. “Look who’s coming to grace us of her presence. Her Majesty the Queen of Malakhia herself!”

    Tara giggled and made a show of bowing to Arky. “How may I serve you tonight, Your Majesty?” And both Arky’s brother and her best friend laughed.

    “Don’t you dare!” exclaimed Arky. “For you, I will always be Arky.”

    “Oh, we know, little sister.” said Mal. “But I just couldn’t resist, if only to see your face.” And he started laughing anew. The three of them embraced.

    “It seems only yesterday that you would eagerly request fairy tales from me.” sighed Mal. “How time has passed!”

    “And for a good cause. I’m not so little anymore”

    “What Mal is trying to say is that we will miss you, Arky,” intervened Tara. Her eyes seemed damp, but it could be an illusion caused by the illumination in the ballroom. “But I present you with my congratulations. You will be the youngest ruler in the whole world. Imagine that!”

    “And when I succeed to the throne of Vallanya,” added Mal, “we will dominate a good part of the land. Not even Amokh and his immortals will be able to break us.”

    “But what if this is not my calling? What if I’m not up to the task?” replied Arky bitterly.

    “You will become accustomed to it, little sister. You are of Hoheimer blood. You are more than up to that task”

    But Arky wasn’t convinced. She still didn’t want to leave her father’s palace. Here was her home. Here was where she grew up. Elsewhere, she would be just a stranger. But she kept her feelings to herself. She didn’t want to disappoint them. As genuinely nice as Mal was, his world revolved around duty. According to him, anything that would secure the advancement of Vallanya is worth dying for. And right now, that was Arky’s coronation as Queen of Malakhia. And Tara herself wouldn’t understand Arky turning away a crown.

    So, Arky kept quiet on the subject of her true thoughts about her coming departure. And the conversation drifted to childhood memories.

 

 

 

    “Seven more days and she will be gone.”

    It was dark in the bedchamber. King Teon found comfort in the reassuring warmth of the Queen’s body next to him. Despite the years, she was still so supple and her curves didn’t cease to amaze him. But tonight, his mind was elsewhere.

    “What kind of father am I?”

    Elisa reached for his cheek with her hand and forced a kiss onto him. “You did what was necessary.”

    “Yes, I did,” replied Teon, “and that’s why it hurts. I’m afraid I’m more a king than a father.”

    Ever since the last Malakhian King became sick and was bedridden, Teon was dreading for this moment. When his diplomat at the court there reported the poor prognostics concluded by the Malakhian doctors, Teon knew he couldn’t escape fate and was bracing himself for the worst.

As predicted, the Malakhians came asking for his daughter as their new monarch. As a father, he was heartbroken. He couldn’t see himself sending Arky away. As a king, he knew he couldn’t refuse. Now, more than ever, Vallanya and Malakhia needed to stand united.

    It is true that Amokhia was on the edge on civil war. But his spies reported that the Emperor sent secret requests for help to the kingdoms of Crede and Qin. Now, those two nations were gathering troops, preparing for war. Who could know what they would do after smashing the rebellion? Wouldn’t it be logical to send their troops against enemy countries next? Or maybe the looming civil war itself was just a plot to justify preparing for wars. Knowing Amokh, Teon could very well imagine him pushing his empire on the brink of chaos just to appease his enemies, lessening their worries, and then strike with full force when they were expecting it the less.

    Teon shook his head. He was beginning to have a headache. Maybe he was thinking too much about it. Sometimes, his crown felt a burden to him. Too much responsibility. Too much to worry about. He could never be free. And with a sigh, he realized he had just condemned his only daughter to the same kind of situation. Again, he thought he was an awful father.

    Elisa could read his pain on his face. “She is strong, you know. Like her father. She is so stubborn. She will accomplish whatever she sets her mind on.”

    “Oh, I never doubted her will. She and her brother are of a kind. Whatever the obstacle, she always faces it head on. And she possesses an amazingly beautiful mind. Which she takes from you. I only regret I didn’t ask her opinion on the matter.”

    “Had you asked her,” replied Elisa, “she would have accepted without hesitating, because she knows that’s what would please you and that’s what her country needs.”

    “You may be right.”

    Elisa pulled closer to her husband and started caressing his chest. “The academicians will have trouble coping with her absence.” She said.

    “That’s right. If I remember correctly, she was helping Matos coming up with a better architecture for our ships. It’s such a shame she will not be able to finish it. She took this project to heart. Moreover, it could have helped our naval power greatly.”

    “The entire royal court will sincerely will miss her. Arky have always had the talent to befriend the most taciturn of people. Her presence always brought laughter. I think…I think we should consider ourselves blessed to have raised such endearing children.”

    “Yes,” agreed Teon, “I think you’re right.”

 

 

 

    It was pitch black. Yet Arky was not too affected. Ever since she was little, she had always noticed she could see better in the dark than the average person. She could still distinguish shapes fairly well and move about unhindered.

    The servants’ section of the palace was silent at this time of the night. They were probably all sleeping already. Apparently, the preparations from the ball that took place earlier had exhausted them. Arky had chosen to go through this area of the palace because fewer guards patrolled it, which greatly decreased the likelihood of her being spotted. She didn’t want anyone to recognize her.

    Her heart kept racing in her chest. And she was feeling guilty. Despite her love for her parents, she had resolved to flee their home. And she still thought it was a stupid idea. Nevertheless, she wasn’t going to change her plans.

    Despite giving it much thought, she couldn’t bring herself to accept the crown of Malakhia. She wasn’t ready. She had the impression that if she were to go to Malakhia now, she would forsake her life, that she would miss her purpose in the world. Besides, there was so much more she wanted to learn. She wanted adventure. She wanted to be herself, to feel liberated.

    On the morrow, the servants would find the note she had left in her bedchamber and would bring it to her parents. They would have to understand why she had to leave. Hopefully, they would forgive her. She made the promise to return when she was ready. But tonight, her adventure began.

    She was out in the open now, in the royal gardens. It was a full moon, which didn’t accommodate her. She wanted the less light possible, so no one could recognize her. If she were to be found sneaking out of the palace, her plans would come to an abrupt stop. And there was still the question of the guards at the royal gates. She had a lie prepared for them. She would pretend to be a serving girl sent to carry a message to one the noblewomen’s lover out in the city. She had to admit that it was a lame excuse to exit the palace at this late hour, but she didn’t have sufficient time to elaborate a better one. That one had to do.

    She looked down at her outfit. A simple dirty dress she had “borrowed” from one of the servants in the kitchen. That would help her play the part of the serving girl. She carried a small pouch filled with Vallanyan dukats at her waist. If her initial ploy were to fail, she thought, she could always try to bribe the guards. She was reticent about this idea though. It would be unsettling to learn that the royal guards could be corrupted.

    As she was making her way toward the gates, a hand came to rest on her should. She spun around, startled, and came face to face with…Mal, a look of puzzlement on his face.

    “What are you doing out at this time, Arky?” he asked.

    Arky felt her heart sinking in her chest. That was the end, she thought. Mal had caught her even before her escape started. She could already imagine the disappointment on her father’s face. And she couldn’t bring herself to face that.

    “Oh, I see,” continued Mal “Meeting a secret lover tonight?”

    Arky blushed. “Y…Yes, that’s it…”

    But Mal’s smile faded. He seemed to have just noticed Arky’s outfit. He had just realized Arky was wearing the livery of House Hoheimer, complete with a bear patched on her chest, the symbol of the house.

    Mal’s gaze became interrogative. He didn’t say another word. He just stood there, waiting. Arky revealed everything. Since she was already caught, there wasn’t any way to extricate herself from this mess. She just had to deal with it and face the consequences. By tomorrow, her father would increase her guards in order to prevent future escape attempts.

    “The guards will never let you leave the palace grounds this late,” declared Mal “not as a servant anyway. It would look too suspicious and you would be mistaken for a spy. Come with me.”

    And without waiting for her to reply, he grabbed her arm and dragged her toward the stables. Arky was too dumbfounded to protest.

    “Saddle two horses,” added her brother when they reached their destination. “And wait for me here. I will be back in an instant.” And he went back outside.

    So, was this the part where her brother would go alert the guards, thought Arky? She still didn’t understand Mal’s reaction. She felt like a fool, but she stayed there anyway, in the cold stable, waiting for her brother’s return.

    The horses were beginning to wake up at her intrusion. Arky inched closer, attracted to their warmth. She quickly saddled and bridled Bel, Mal’s war horse. A jet black creature which fended the winds like a blade when galloping and which was her brother’s pride. She moved on to prepare Hector, her chestnut colored equine companion, for her journey. And her brother returned at that moment, carrying a bundle under his arms.

    “No, not Hector. Too pompous. You will need a mount one of the servants would borrow for an errand. You will play the part of my groom. Put this on”. As he was talking, Mal laid a bonnet on her head. “And hide your hair under it. We will need to make you pass for a young man. As long as you keep your eyes downcast and stay quiet, the soldiers will not be interested in you. And use this.” He placed his bundle in her hands.

    It constituted of a stable’s boy outfit. The breeches appeared too big, but they would do. Arky realized that this plan sounded a lot better. But why would Mal help, him always so dutiful? Arky was puzzled.

    “Why are you helping me escape, Mal?”

    Mal paused, seemingly startled for a few moment, then smiled. His face was genuinely frank when he continued. “But because I love you, little sister. I don’t fancy understanding your purpose, but one thing I know for sure. I trust in your judgment and believe whatever you choose will be for the best. Just promise me you will come back to us.”

    Arky couldn’t help but feel warmth on her face. She couldn’t hold back her tears, nor did she want to. She thrust herself toward Mal and captured him in an embrace. “Oh, brother! I am so glad you understand! I doubted it. I would have told you otherwise. I know I’m acting selfishly, but this is what I really want.”

    “I understand, little sister. Nobody should have to forgo their dreams. I wish you a safe journey.” He couldn’t hold back his tears either. “Come on now, hurry. We have some guards to fool.” And he smiled devilishly.

    It didn’t take long for Arky to prepare herself. She was in breeches and on top of an unremarkable brown horse in an instant. Despite the moon’s light, she could easily pass for a child stable boy. They rode toward the palace gates, keeping quiet. Mal didn’t want Arky to betray herself by having someone accidently hearing her voice, while she was trying to pass for a boy. So, the short ride was silent and felt eerily unnatural.

    Spring was coming and the pear trees boarding the aisles were starting to bloom. The ornamental flowers in the royal gardens were still buds but so close to explode. Arky thought she would miss not being there at the proper time to smell them. She had helped the Royal Academy decide which plants and flowers to cultivate on the palace grounds.

    “Halt!”

    Arky was startled. She was lost in her thoughts and did not realize they had arrived at the gates. A soldier was motioning to them to stop and identify themselves. She felt a wave of anxiety overcoming her. All of a sudden, she thought her plan was so stupid and that she would be discovered. Why not just denounce herself and end this charade? She glanced at Mal on her side. He looks so imperious on his black mount, so sure of himself. Arky decided he would trust her brother and let him resolve this situation. She cast her eyes down, hiding her face.

The soldier came closer.

    “Your Highness! I did not realize it was you! I wouldn’t have been so rude to stop you.”

“No worry, gentleman. You were just following orders by requesting that I identify myself. I have business elsewhere in the city tonight and I’ve brought my groom so he can take care of my ride,” Mal said, motioning to Arky beside him.

    She tried to make herself seem small, but she shouldn’t have bothered. The guard didn’t even glance toward her. He simply replied.

    “Of course, my Lord. Let me open the gates.”

    The gates pivoted on their hinges and Mal and Arky rode forward, leaving the palace. It felt so simple, thought Arky. And just like that, she was free. They kept going, putting some distance between them and the royal palace. The city seemed to be sleeping at this time of the night. They barely encountered any other soul.

    They took the main road and followed it toward the city entrance. At the difference of the great cities of the empire, the capital city of Vallanya was not surrounded by walls. It didn’t have to. It never had to sustain a siege. Vallanya itself was seldom the subject to any great inland invasion by foreign countries. They were a big island and their naval power was usually enough to protect them against their enemies. They were the strongest naval power in the world.

    “This is where we part ways,” said Mal “I will just go meet some friends, spend some time and return to the palace. Don’t worry about father. He will understand eventually. And mother will recover. She will understand as well.”

    Arky inched her brown mount closer to Hector and embraced Mal again. “I will miss you, brother.”

    “I will miss you too, little sister.” And Mal watched as Arky made her way out of the city. She turned back a couple of times to watch him. He stood there until she was just a speck on the road and then rode away to his appointment of the night.

 

 

 

    Tarys stank. Of fish, of rotten vegetables, and right now, of bad liquor. Legba sat at his table, tranquilly sipping his soup. It was still hot and he was careful not to burn his tongue. He didn’t feel particularly impressed by the biggest seaport of the Vallanyan kingdom. Apparently, Tarys played a major role in the past Vallanyan wars, and was key in the resistance against the Amokhian Empire. And during time of peace, such as those days, Tarys was the biggest mercantile port on the Tergrian coast. Ships traveled from far away, even from the legendary Linese kingdoms to exchange their silk and spices against Vallanyan gold and technology. But Legba thought he could do better if he were in charge.

    He was calmly peeling his oranges, a rare delicacy coming from the kingdom of Crede. Legba couldn’t resist indulging himself. Those were his favorite fruits. He bit into the juicy pulp and felt like ascending to heaven. He took his time, savoring this moment.

    LightCaster laid in front of him, entirely concealed in bundles. The sword kept pulling on him, eager to be used, but Legba was fairly used to it and resisted it easily. It had taken him one month to cross the Vallanyan kingdom, from the temple where he had stolen LightCaster to Tarys. By tomorrow, he would take a ship for Amokhia. By his estimation, he would be there in a few days, or at the most, one week. And then, he could begin putting his plans into motion. He was looking forward to that. But for now, he was staying in a tavern by the name of The Merry Crew. Legba thought it sounded lame. But fortunately, by tomorrow, he would be out of there.

    The table closer to the foyer seemed very animated. A sailor there was monopolizing the attention. Legba opened the First Gate, becoming better aware of his environment, the process also sharpening his senses, and tried to spy on their conversation.

    “…doomed…They think…Crops dying. …Amokhia. Plague…land…”

    Despite using the First Gate, Legba was too far away to discern what they were saying among the other noises they were generating. At the same time, he felt the First Gates’s weakness overcoming him. He didn’t want to move. He wanted to stay at his place forever and be in harmony with the universe. Why move? Why would it matter? Everything is connected. That he be here or there was irrelevant. That he were alive or not was irrelevant. Everything was the same and nothing at the same time. Legba shook his head and forced himself to let go of the Gate. Rumors had it that some warriors who had opened the First Gate had stood immobile in the midst of battle and let themselves be slain. Others said some users of the First Gate had just fallen into a coma-like state and never woke up. The bottom line was that the First Gate should always be operated with caution.

    Legba stood up and went to the sailor’s table. “I couldn’t help but hear some of your conversation. I believe I heard something about Amokhia. Do you have news from there?” asked Legba.

    The sailor and his companions eyed him suspiciously. His table had been too far to be humanely possible for him to eavesdrop on them. Those people certainly didn’t think Legba a Gate user, able to listen to them from far away. Even if they knew, they probably didn’t understand how the Gates worked. Few people did, most of them scholars. And even fewer people were Gate users. And again, fewer than that have ever gone past the First Gate.

    “Might be I do,” replied the sailor. “Might be not.”

    He was eyeing the bundle Legba kept in his hand. Legba had to admit that walking around everywhere with LightCaster bundled up wouldn’t inspire trust in people. He smiled, searched his pouch and placed an Amokhian dukat on the table. The sailor’s eyes slightly bulged with greed and his companions became more suspicious. He snatched the coin and bit into it, verifying its authenticity.

    “So,” continued Legba “you were saying?”

    “Trouble looms over the Amokhian Empire, my Lord.”

    Legba waited, expecting more. But the sailor just kept looking at him, his mouth obstinately staying shut. Legba sighed and placed another dukat on the table, which was snatched as quickly as the first one.

    “Rumors say potato crops are failing all over the empire.” Continued the sailor “And the plague is spreading. Entire villages and small cities in the south have been quarantined. The peasants keep praying to the Emperor, waiting for him to eradicate the plague and restore prosperity to the land.” And he stopped talking again, eyeing Legba.

    This latter one looked at the sailor back with an annoyed look. “You know? I have the feeling I’m going to switch to my blade soon as a payment method instead of my dukats.”

    The sailor looked at his companions. They seemed offended for him. They were five and Legba was only one man, if a noble. Yet, he had a fine blade at his waist and a suspicious looking bundle under his arms. Maybe it was more prudent to just give this young lord the information he requested. Trouble would be bad. Moreover, his pouch was already heavier by two dukats. That was already better than he hoped to gain tonight by gambling. So, he continued.

    “The capital of the Amokhian Empire is infested by rebels…”

    “I would hardly call that news,” interrupted Legba.

    “But it gets better. They are stronger now that the empire risks famine. They are bolder and conduct more attacks against the nobility.” The sailor lowered his voice and added in a whisper “They are planning to overthrow the empire.”

    Legba’s smile deepened. That, he thought, was more like it.

 

                             

 

    It was a sunny day. The azure sky was totally cleared and a light salty breeze was blowing against the city. The air was dry from the sea salt, but Arky didn’t mind. Tarys was beautiful, she thought. It was her first time in the seaport and she was charmed.

    The buildings were almost as tall as in Kell, the capital, and there was a lax air to the city. It seems busier than in Kell. Tarys really felt like a mercantile city, with shops everywhere. But the best part was the diversity. In her first day in Tarys, she had seen Amokhian merchants, Credese and even Qinan shipmasters and sailors. It was a good opportunity for her to learn more about their culture and even talked with them about what bits of history she could remember about their respective countries. She had quickly recognized that Credese were fairly advanced in mathematics by having a look into their navigation tools. The compass and sextants they were using were incredibly precise. And their maps were very reliable, indicating a good mastery of geometry.

    It had taken her weeks to reach Tarys. She had sold her horse on the way and purchased clothes more appropriate for travel. She still wore breeches, finding them easier to move in. She was also wearing an indigo cloak, which she had found very handy on the road, protecting her against the wind and keeping her warm at night.

    She had to admit that at first she had been very scared all alone for the first time in her life and making her own decisions, depending only on herself. But she was becoming accustomed to it now and she felt grateful for the experience. She was beginning to feel different, like she was becoming more mature. Strange though, she used to think she was already as mature as a person could be.

    She had reserved a place on The Landing, a ship leaving for Amokhia in a few hours. After some consideration, Arky had thought she could learn something of the troubled history between Amokhia and her own country by traveling to the empire. Thus, she had decided her destination. However, she needed to be cautious and not reveal her identity. Amokhia was Vallanya’s long time enemy and it wouldn’t do for a Vallanyan princess to journey there without a solid escort.

    She was casually strolling around Kell, killing the time, listening to gossips and to everyday’s people narrating facts about their everyday’s life.

    Some yelling further ahead caught her attention. She pressed on forward. She reached the crossroad in front of her and the yelling intensified. In the crossing street, she could see a small group of people. The noise apparently was coming from them. She squeezed herself to the building’s walls and carefully made her way toward them. She didn’t want to attract their attention to her. She was just curious about what was happening.

    This close to them, she could see that they formed a circle around a man with a long bundle in his hand. There was about nine of them surrounding that man and shouting at him. By the looks of it, they were motioning to him to surrender his bundle and his other possessions. She saw knives glittering in the day’s light. Cutthroats. That poor man was certainly going to die.

She continued watching and met eye contact with the man in the middle. She shuddered. His gaze was unnatural. He saw her but it was like he was looking right through her, not even acknowledging her existence. He had such an uncaring look on his face. Arky had seldom perceived someone with such arrogance as this man was displaying. He gave absolutely no sense of fear even though he was largely outnumbered. As a matter of fact, he just casually reached for the sword at his waist. And everything came into motion.

    Arky sped forward and drawing a short blade she had kept hidden in her cloak. She didn’t know how she did it, but she traveled the distance in an instant and stabbed the cutthroat closer to her in the ribs. The blade met resistance from a bone, but glided on the side and continued deeper. The cutthroat grunted and spun to face her, holding his side. Arky stabbed her repeatedly in the chest and he fell forward. One down.

    Arky turned to face another bandit. This one would be tougher to deal with. She had lost the advantage of surprise. He stroke at her with his knife in a curving motion. His moves felt so slow. Arky dodged and cut his flesh on the attacking arm. He yelled and switched the blade to his other hand. He attacked again with a curving motion. And again, he was too slow. Arky blocked his arm and punched him in the face. She was surprised at feeling bones cracking under her fist. She didn’t know she was capable of such feat of strength. Her opponent fell backward with his face smashed. He died on impact. Arky felt sick, but just for a moment. She quickly returned her attention to the battle.

    From the corner of her eyes, she noticed three bodies on the ground, beside those two she had already taken care of. And the man who was being threatened a moment earlier was fighting two more attackers. She was surprised. He was fending very well for himself. His actions were so quick she couldn’t keep up with them. He was just a blur of blades. Was it even possible for a human being to move that fast? And how could he have killed those three people in such short amount of time?

    From the corner of her eye, she saw one the bandits ripping apart the bundle the man with the uncaring eyes was carrying. He must have let it fall earlier so he could better defend himself. The bandit was extracting a black object. A sword, Arky realized. Obsidian blade. That man was carrying two swords. But why? Well, there could be any number of explanations. But that black sword just felt wrong. Arky suddenly realized she wanted to have it. Odd.

    The bandit held the obsidian sword and something felt changed about him. He seemed to suddenly have a crazy look on his face. He turned around and stabbed his companion next him. No blood came out. The skin around the wound darkened, becoming as black as coal. His whole body started to darken the same way, seemingly burned. And he fell. He was dead. So strange.

    The cutthroat ran toward the group where the owner of the sword was still fighting. He was moving exceedingly fast, seemingly as fast as that man was moving earlier. The nonchalant man moved aside and the cutthroat cut down his two remaining companions. They died in the same manner as the previous one, skin becoming as dark as coal. Arky was puzzled.

    The bandit spun around, still trying to strike at the man they were trying to steal from a moment ago. His eyes were unfocused and he was smiling broadly. But his opponent kept evading, dodging a fatal stab at the last moment. Seemingly annoyed, the cutthroat turned toward Arky and attacked. She panicked. She saw the attack coming. But it was so fast, too fast. She couldn’t dodge on time. She couldn’t parry it and even if she were to, she had the feeling she would be struck down either way. Was she going to die like that? At such a young age and just an unknown person in the streets? She braced herself for the end. And the stab came.

    She was not the one who received it. Just in front of her, she could see the jet black blade jutting out of the back of the uncaring man of earlier. A fine trickle of blood was streaking out of the wound. His skin was not darkening as it did for the bandits who were cut down. He had moved just in time to receive the blade in his chest instead of her. Clutching his stomach with one hand, he reached for the attacker’s throat with the other, and squeezed. He must have been using a formidable amount of strength, for he strangled the cutthroat with only one hand and let him fall on the ground. With both hands, he slowly pulled the obsidian blade out of his body, the process appearing to be horribly painful. He wiped his blood from the blade and covered it back in bundles.

    Arky tried to give a closer look at his wound, but could not discern it. From where the sword was protruding just moments ago, there was only smooth skin. It didn’t make any sense. Arky was sure she wasn’t hallucinating when she saw him being stabbed. Besides, there was his blood as proof. And what was the deal with the blood? The bandits, when stabbed, didn’t bleed at all.

    “What?...What happened just then?” she asked.

    “Don’t worry about it,” he replied dismissively. “Everything is fine now.”

    “But, you were stabbed! I clearly saw it! And now, there is no wound. And what is it with that sword of yours? It just felt wrong, so wrong.”

    He looked at her and finally seemed to acknowledge her existence. “You were just hallucinating. Don’t worry about it.”

    “No, I certainly was not, and you are making fun of me,” replied Arky. She was angry at that gentleman’s condescending tone.

    He smiled. Apparently, he found Arky’s reaction very amusing. She looked at him fiercely while adopting the most indignant air she could summon. His smile only deepened.

    “Fair point,” he replied, mockingly. “I was making fun of you. You caught me red handed and I apologize, my Lady.” He did not appear sorry at all.

    “My name is Arky, not my Lady. And you haven’t given me yours yet.”

    “Ah, names. I have so many of those. But you may call me Legba. It suits my current needs.”

    “What is that supposed to mean?”

    “But, exactly what I said, my Lady. Don’t look too much into me. I am but a humble traveler.”

    “You are doing it again. Call me Arky.”

    “Ah, sorry. Arky.” And he winked at her.

    Arky had quickly decided that he had an insufferably arrogant character. But she still owed him her life.

    “Thank you,” she said, “You saved my life just now, Legba.”

    “Oh, don’t worry. It was just a minor thing.”

    “You call saving someone’s life a minor thing? What kind of person are you?”

    “I have seen so many people die that lives do not matter for me anymore. I have been on too many battlefields.” And Legba sighed.

    Arky was dubious. Legba didn’t seem that old to be speaking that way. He appeared younger than she initially thought. He seemed older than her by only a few years. There is no way he could have participated in as many wars he was hinting.

    “Besides,” Legba added, “you were rushing to help me yourself. Which is very commendable. You were putting yourself in extreme danger to save a perfect stranger. This is certainly not seen every day.”

    Arky blushed under the praise. Maybe he wasn’t that bad after all. “It was only reflex,” she replied, “I didn’t stop to think. And in the end, it seems like you could take care of yourself fine without me. You even had to save my life. Which reminds me that you were stabbed and that somehow, your wound just disappeared. And that dark sword, what is it?”

    Legba sighed. She was persistent. “Its name is LightCaster, and I don’t want to talk about it. It reminds me of unpleasant things, very unpleasant things.”

    Arky remembered the crazy look in the cutthroat eyes as he was wielding LightCaster and cutting down his companions. She could understand how it could plague Legba with unpleasant memories. It seems to take control of the wielder’s mind. Where could it come from? What kind of technology was needed to create such a formidable weapon? Arky remembered how the cutthroat movements suddenly became very fast. Was it even technology? Could it be something else? Something deeper? Something more nefarious? Arky shuddered. Had Legba been controlled by LightCaster as well and done something he regretted? But he seemed to be able to keep his mind even when touching the blade. There was something strange about him. Who was he really?

    “If it brings you unpleasant memories, why do you carry it around?” asked Arky.

    “Ah, but because I absolutely need it in order to accomplish my plans.” And for a brief moment, Legba’s eyes appeared fiery with anger. It didn’t last long however.

    “What are those plans you talk about?”

    “Unfortunately, I cannot talk about those either,” Legba replied, smiling.

    Arky was expecting as much. He seemed a man with secrets. She was fine with that.

    “I understand,” she said. “It’s your right to stay silent. I will respect your privacy regarding LightCaster.”

    They fell silent for a moment. Legba smiled again. “So, how many can you open?” he asked. “It’s so rare to find another one.”

    Arky gave him a confused look. Opening what? What did he mean by another one? Did he just suddenly start babbling nonsense? “I don’t know what you mean. Another who?”

    “I’m talking about the Gates, of course.”

    “The Gates…?”

    “You are a Gate user, aren’t you?” He was beginning to look at her suspiciously.

    Arky was befuddled now. Gate user? Could it be? This person thought she could open the Gates. So ludicrous! But that would explain things. It would certainly make her understand why her senses were sometimes more acute than normally possible and why she could easily find her way in the dark. And more recently, it would explain how she was able to break the cutthroat jaw earlier with a single punch and put him down. That would explain why the cutthroats were so slow. They were not being slow, of course. She was just moving too fast than humanly possible back then. And this gentleman was certainly a Gate user as well, being able to fend for himself so well against so many opponents, taking a wound, yet having not a scratch as proof.

    Nobody knew how the Gates worked, besides the Gate users themselves. It was a strange and very old power created by Ammonra before the Saving. Some say Ammonra came up with the Gates in order to vanquish the shadows.

    “Don’t tell me you didn’t even know what you were doing! Don’t you realize how dangerous that can be?” Legba’s words pulled Arky abruptly from her thoughts. His tone was insistent. He sounded worried. Odd. Arky didn’t think he was capable of such feeling toward others.

    “So you believe I am a Gate user. But I’m not convinced. Besides, how is it dangerous?”

    Legba gave her the same look he would to an annoying kid. “The Gates tap directly from your life force in order to operate. If you open a Gate for too much an amount of time and do not have enough life force, it will kill you. It will drain away your entire life. Therefore, you need to be very cautious and know your limit. It becomes even trickier the higher the level of the Gate you open increases. A higher level Gate consumes more life force than a lesser one.”

    Arky slowly nodded.

    “The First Gate is particularly dangerous,” continued Legba. “It enhances your senses and makes you become more aware of your surroundings. But in order to do so, it connects you with the rest of the universe, making you become in harmony the world. But that’s addicting. Once you reach that intimate connection with the world, it feels so wondrous that you don’t want to let go, that you don’t want to do anything else than just standing there and be at peace. If you cannot overcome the First Gate and that happens, it will suck your life force out of you without you even caring. Many beginner Gate users died that way.”

    Arky gasped. “I know this feeling you just described,” she said. “I have often experienced it as a child. And at the same time, my senses were always keener.”

    “Which means you can open the First Gate. And to have been able to do so since you were a child is a tremendous feat. Despite its obvious drawbacks, the first gate can be very useful in battles. Using it, it is like you can feel where and when an attack is coming and how to parry it. And from your battle earlier, I conclude that you can open the Second Gate as well. This one provides strength and endurance. Another Gate which is very useful in battles as well. So, how many more can you open?”

    “I don’t know.” replied Arky, “All of this is so new to me.” She wasn’t quite sure she accepted being a Gate user yet. Though what Legba was describing felt so familiar. “And now, my head is full of so many questions. For example, if what you are saying is true and the amount of life force needed to open a Gate increases with the level of the Gate in question, does that mean that every Gate user can open the same amount of Gates? Their life force would permit them to reach the same level, wouldn’t it?”

    Legba put on a knowing smile. “That would be true if life force was something fixed. On the contrary, it is very flexible. Your life force keeps changing during your lifetime. Think of it as the sum of all energy inside of you. Some people are born with higher amount of life force compared to others. But the most important aspect of it is that you can make it increase. The Gates accomplish just that. While they consume life force to open, each time you use one it also increases your capacity to hold life energy overall. In other words, the more you practice opening the Gates, the more life force you will be able to hold in the end.”

    “You mean it is similar to building a muscle?”

    “Exactly! That is a very good analogy,” Legba fell silent for a moment. “Consider yourself lucky,” he added. “I have now decided to take you as a student. I will train you into using the Gates properly so as to prevent you from killing yourself tinkering around with them. Understand that not everyone has received such an honor. I very seldom teach.”

    Arky rewarded him with a killing glare. His arrogance seemed to know no limit. “I don’t remember asking you.”

    “Oh, but you have no choice,” he continued condescendingly. “Or would you rather brave the Gates blindly by yourself? That wouldn’t be very wise, would it? Besides, think of the progress you could make under the tutelage of someone who is already experienced. You could become one of the greatest Gate users of this era and amass wealth and glory! I assure you, people with our abilities are high in demand. Our services are very well rewarded.”

    Arky didn’t need all of this to be convinced. She was already very curious and knew she would be tinkering with the Gates, trying to extract every bit of information possible out of their use. And since that carried a great risk, Legba was right in saying that using them by herself would be unwise. So, she saw no choice than to accept his offer, despite his arrogance. Experienced Gate users were not that easy to meet with.

    “I see that by the look on your face, you are seriously considering my offer and about to accept,” continued Legba with a grin. “Good, that’s for the better. I knew you would see reason.”

    “Very well,” said Arky, fiercely meeting his eyes. “I will take you up on your offer.”

 

 

 

 

 

If you like what you’ve read so far, here are four ways you can help:

 

1)      Purchase the ebook when I release it on Amazon kindle. It won’t be expensive, I promise. The release date will be sometime in November

2)      Spread the word. Talk about it to your friends and invite them to subscribe to the blog ( ) and facebook page  ( ) I created for the book

3)      Subscribe to the blog and facebook page

4)      Download the excerpt and post it everywhere you can

 



© 2012 Ricardy Ricot


Author's Note

Ricardy Ricot
What do you think? I plan to become an expert writer.

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TLK
The guards enter the story almost like voices in a radio play. I have little sense of their embodiment and therefore I do not believe they pose a threat to Legba. Also, Legba starts by coming across as tired, yet still able to be louchely sarcastic. I find it hard to put this two things together. They are like oil and water.

You want to get better, so I'm going to be harsh and not sugar coat it. That said, this is my subjective opinion, so according to your intentions and your intended readership I might simple be wrong. I am not reaching inside your soul and critically analysing who you are, I am merely responding to your own efforts in my own limited and idiosyncratic way. (If the worst comes to the worst, read my stuff and be honest with me, too!).

Do you know how important the first line is? You open with an image that more suits a film or game - "time slowed". Then the unconnected "Legba felt at peace". And the third line makes no sense at all without explanation. You need to get the reader to find something in your writing, first, before they will make allowances for you and follow you into the unknown.

What I'm saying boils down to SHOW, DON'T TELL.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don%27t_tell
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Infodump

Of course, the best authors get to break the rules anyway: http://io9.com/5481558/20-great-infodumps-from-science-fiction-novels





*Here's the start of Harlan Ellison's I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream: "Limp, the body of Gorrister hung from the pink palette; unsupported hanging high
above us in the computer chamber; and it did not shiver in the chill, oily breeze that blew eternally through the main cavern. The body hung head down, attached to the underside of the palette by the sole of its right foot. It had been drained of blood through a precise incision made from ear to ear under the lantern jaw. There was no blood on the reflective surface of the metal floor. When Gorrister joined our group and looked up at himself, it was already too late for us to realize that, once again, AM had duped us, had had its fun; it had been a diversion on the part of the machine. Three of us had vomited, turning away from one another in a reflex as ancient as the nausea that had produced it. Gorrister went white."

Here's the first line of Alfred Bester's novel The Stars My Destination: "He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead."

These are the kind of openings that grab a reader.




Your use of the action scene is a bit of a cop-out. We go from Legba feeling weak to somehow destroying a number of guards, without any look into the action of how he does it. I have to say that I feel a bit cheat about that.


"A considerable amount of strength rushed through his arms and legs, filling them. He hasn’t felt so powerful in a very long time. The Second Gate bestowed enormous strength and stamina when opened. Few people have ever reached that stage. Few could even open the first Gate. Yet, he knew he couldn’t sustain opening the Second Gate for more than a few minutes. It was too risky. He quickly stomped on the ground and as expected, it gave way. He fell into a large empty room. By cracking, the ground had produced a massive cloud of dust and he started sneezing. He always hated dust. He immediately let the Second Gate close itself."

OK. I still don't know much about this gate stuff, but apparently he can't open the second one for long.
Then he (a) stomps through the floor.
Then he (b) sneezes.

Why does it seem that (a) and (b) are similarly important and noticeable? You are not making him stomping through the floor interesting. I think this is a missed opportunity.




“My name is Fra. And I am grand-priest in this temple dedicated to Ammonra. But who I am is of no matter. What matters is that you desecrated this place tonight and came to steal what Emperor Amokh himself gave us for safekeeping many generations ago.”
“Oh. Ammonra is it? He died eons ago. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind my little adventure here tonight.”

This dialogue seems to be straight from an adventure serial (the stuff that inspired Indiana Jones). I think that, if you WROTE the whole piece like an adventure serial, it might make more sense as a whole. Think about it. Try reading some classic adventure literature like King Solomon's Mines.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ricardy Ricot

12 Years Ago

The first few lines are short, precise and obscure in order to evoke the curiosity of the reader. An.. read more
Ricardy Ricot

12 Years Ago

And Thank you for the review



Reviews

You're writing isn't bad. I want to say that at the beginning. And you have an interesting story. Unfortunately, you write it less like a novel and more like someone's fandom of their favorite video game. I feel like the entire way through this you just want to make Legba seem "cool". He does a bunch of awesome, nearly impossible things with very little explanation on how he can do all of this. He speaks with witty, sarcastic dialogue that seem more like one-liners from an old adventure movie than the dialogue of a fleshed out human being. I guess I'm trying to say that he doesn't feel real. I don't understand his struggle. I don't feel for it. I know he's opening these gates, he's fighting all these people, but I don't know why. I know why the "plot" wants him to do these things. But not why "he" wants to do these things. Its about balancing internal motivation and external motivation. I feel that if you stopped trying to make a "cool" character, and you fleshed out one that was a little more human, this piece would be a lot better. Other than that, your writing is good. You obviously have some potential. But you need to practice a bit more on developing characters and on pacing. You tend to go into detail about things that really aren't important (thus making them seem important) and yet barely describe things that could make the story far more interesting and dynamic. If you have any questions or the like, feel free to message me and I can help. And feel free to read a few of my stories, tear them apart if you will ^^ How else can we improve if not for the criticism of others? Keep writing, keep practicing. Pick up a few books on writing fiction and fantasy, there's tons of them out there.

Posted 12 Years Ago


MachinaWriter

12 Years Ago

The thing is, we need to. As a reader, we shouldn't have to make mental excuses for the character's .. read more
Ricardy Ricot

12 Years Ago

I disagree. I think the unknown is what is exciting. That's what sparks curiosity and leads to new d.. read more
MachinaWriter

12 Years Ago

Its not really about playing it safe. The whole concept of working within that structure is because .. read more
[send message][befriend] Subscribe
TLK
The guards enter the story almost like voices in a radio play. I have little sense of their embodiment and therefore I do not believe they pose a threat to Legba. Also, Legba starts by coming across as tired, yet still able to be louchely sarcastic. I find it hard to put this two things together. They are like oil and water.

You want to get better, so I'm going to be harsh and not sugar coat it. That said, this is my subjective opinion, so according to your intentions and your intended readership I might simple be wrong. I am not reaching inside your soul and critically analysing who you are, I am merely responding to your own efforts in my own limited and idiosyncratic way. (If the worst comes to the worst, read my stuff and be honest with me, too!).

Do you know how important the first line is? You open with an image that more suits a film or game - "time slowed". Then the unconnected "Legba felt at peace". And the third line makes no sense at all without explanation. You need to get the reader to find something in your writing, first, before they will make allowances for you and follow you into the unknown.

What I'm saying boils down to SHOW, DON'T TELL.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Show,_don%27t_tell
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/Infodump

Of course, the best authors get to break the rules anyway: http://io9.com/5481558/20-great-infodumps-from-science-fiction-novels





*Here's the start of Harlan Ellison's I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream: "Limp, the body of Gorrister hung from the pink palette; unsupported hanging high
above us in the computer chamber; and it did not shiver in the chill, oily breeze that blew eternally through the main cavern. The body hung head down, attached to the underside of the palette by the sole of its right foot. It had been drained of blood through a precise incision made from ear to ear under the lantern jaw. There was no blood on the reflective surface of the metal floor. When Gorrister joined our group and looked up at himself, it was already too late for us to realize that, once again, AM had duped us, had had its fun; it had been a diversion on the part of the machine. Three of us had vomited, turning away from one another in a reflex as ancient as the nausea that had produced it. Gorrister went white."

Here's the first line of Alfred Bester's novel The Stars My Destination: "He was one hundred and seventy days dying and not yet dead."

These are the kind of openings that grab a reader.




Your use of the action scene is a bit of a cop-out. We go from Legba feeling weak to somehow destroying a number of guards, without any look into the action of how he does it. I have to say that I feel a bit cheat about that.


"A considerable amount of strength rushed through his arms and legs, filling them. He hasn’t felt so powerful in a very long time. The Second Gate bestowed enormous strength and stamina when opened. Few people have ever reached that stage. Few could even open the first Gate. Yet, he knew he couldn’t sustain opening the Second Gate for more than a few minutes. It was too risky. He quickly stomped on the ground and as expected, it gave way. He fell into a large empty room. By cracking, the ground had produced a massive cloud of dust and he started sneezing. He always hated dust. He immediately let the Second Gate close itself."

OK. I still don't know much about this gate stuff, but apparently he can't open the second one for long.
Then he (a) stomps through the floor.
Then he (b) sneezes.

Why does it seem that (a) and (b) are similarly important and noticeable? You are not making him stomping through the floor interesting. I think this is a missed opportunity.




“My name is Fra. And I am grand-priest in this temple dedicated to Ammonra. But who I am is of no matter. What matters is that you desecrated this place tonight and came to steal what Emperor Amokh himself gave us for safekeeping many generations ago.”
“Oh. Ammonra is it? He died eons ago. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind my little adventure here tonight.”

This dialogue seems to be straight from an adventure serial (the stuff that inspired Indiana Jones). I think that, if you WROTE the whole piece like an adventure serial, it might make more sense as a whole. Think about it. Try reading some classic adventure literature like King Solomon's Mines.

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Ricardy Ricot

12 Years Ago

The first few lines are short, precise and obscure in order to evoke the curiosity of the reader. An.. read more
Ricardy Ricot

12 Years Ago

And Thank you for the review

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Added on August 9, 2012
Last Updated on August 9, 2012
Tags: gate, gates, lords, lord, legba, life force, savior, gatekeeper, hero, emperor, immortal, god, rebellion, revolt


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Ricardy Ricot
Ricardy Ricot

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Hi, I am Ricardy Ricot and this year, I've decided to seriously become a writer. I recently finished a high fantasy novel titled Gate Lords: The Rise of Legba that I plan to release to the public in a.. more..

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