Chapter 5: The paths I walked

 

Sound of birds was both pleasing and disturbing. How could I not enjoy this sweet sound that in the same time reminded me of the outside world? Exactly the place I didn’t want to be thinking about. I just wanted to lock myself in this apartment and hide from everything. It seemed to be the best way to avoid problems. Only drawback was the fact that being alone in a quiet place always brought up memories to the surface. Maybe it was even good to do this once in a while.

The truth was that I was adopted by Will and Jane. People I call to be my parents now. Since my seventh year it’s been this way, and you might think it’s hard to live with this fact, but no. Humans can very well adapt to situations, especially at this young age. Only images had stayed in my mind, of things I don’t know, things that make me wonder how it would be if it didn’t happen. Some, on the other hand, weren’t images.

I could still feel the smell of detergent as my grandmother did the dishes that night. It was pretty late and I was told that my parents are coming back from their weekend trip. I wanted to stay up, just to watch the TV in the late hours, telling my grandma I was waiting for them to come back. It is kind of funny how those small things were enough to keep my mind occupied. Such sweet melancholy it is.

Like I grew numb those few seconds that I had found out what truly happened. I… didn’t feel anything. As if it was another daily happening. I just stared at my grandmother who had brought me the news.

 Circus was in town that week; she had promised we would go together.

Thing is, when you think this much about things. They become boring, irrelevant. I remember sinking into them once, and that much sorrow can even make you numb to happiness let alone anything else. And I had realized the true happiness that my state offered. When you see how screwed up it all is, you can use the irony in it all, and turn it into sarcasm.  Just to make fun of all those retards that get to live in this whole illusion, even though the true irony in me was the fact that I envy them. It’s all just a one f*****g sad joke.

It was time to leave this tomb behind me, and yes I know it’s just for a little while. I had this way of locking away my feelings, memories, or anything that made me feel like a piece of crap on this planet. But hey, I wasn’t the only one doing that, I hope.

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Even though Daniel wanted to deny this, there was more to him and Larry. It went beyond the fact that they were in the military together. And in whole honesty to himself, he remembered the time in his childhood that Larry had a part in.  Despite all he knew now, that time was good. He had enjoyed the memories, tried to live them again in his mind. Nostalgia it was, nothing else.

A best friend he used to call him. With no more than three years older, Larry had always sensed the feeling of superiority towards his friend. Daniel knew of this, and didn’t mind it much, since he was never a leader type of person.

The cold wind was blowing that winter, and Larry came knocking on Daniel’s room window which stood on the first floor. He reached it by climbing a smaller tree in the back of the house. It was 2am and Daniel had been woken up by the pounding outside. He rushed for the window and opened it, instantly feeling the cold breeze on his skin, making him shiver. He established eye contact with Larry, watching him drop his legs from the branch. “Come on, let’s go” Larry spoke, trying to hide the fact that he also, was shivering. Perhaps from being nervous.

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I only recently realized I once more woke up in the hospital. It was night time, and I felt the urge to go to the bathroom. Barefooted I stood on the cold hospital floor. The hallway was narrow, and not being here before, made me even less comfortable.

At the end of the hallway was a light and I could hear the nurses talking from that direction. I couldn’t recognize what words they were saying but it seemed little of importance right now. Two doors stood in front of me, for each of the bathrooms.

There was no real way to tell which door I should go through, so I randomly chose the left one. The light was already turned on and a dark man stood in one of the toilet cabinets. As I passed it to get in my own cabinet he turned his head to suspiciously see who was walking behind him. I ignored it, mostly, and continued.

“Nice girlfriend you got yourself there” he spoke while walking out to wash his hands. Didn’t even flush, huh? “She’s a friend” I replied, unsure of the reason for it. “Sure didn’t seem like it” he said as he went through the exit. He was probably one of my roommates. And assuming those two were here for quite a while they probably switched the day and night. Just with the fact that the days are boring and u sleep through most of them, which keeps you awake thru ought the night. Same thing happened to me, but I was fine with pointlessly staring into the dark, listening to silence.

The old man actually did a very good job of reminding me about Diana. When I thought about it, it was pretty obvious that she wasn’t completely over whatever we had back in school. I had to talk to her about it, and I wasn’t about to send her a text message, I just needed an excuse to see her.

Grandma had taken me to the circus that weekend. We bought popcorns and set off for the huge tent that stood on the big grassy area. There weren’t many people around and they were scattered along the benches.

So eagerly I had waited for the show to start. I watched circus perform only on TV and I just wanted to see the animals do their tricks in person and hoped to be made assistant for the show, just those few fleeting seconds.

The manager slowly walked to the middle of the stage, his hat in his hands and eyes on the scattered crowd. “Good day ladies and gentleman, I am sorry to announce that the circus won’t be held off due to lack of audience. You can refund your tickets at the exit, thank you for coming”

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“Come on Daniel, we don’t have time for you to tie your shoes now.” Larry rushed him, being as inpatient as Daniel had ever seen him. They had only reached the next block when Larry threw the bag off his shoulders onto the ground. “Here, I got us these.” he said while handing Daniel one of the terrorist masks.

Daniel stared at him for a while, he was unsure before if this was really about to happen. But now that he saw the look in Larry’s eyes, he was certain; Larry was going to do this weather he was there or not.

He really wanted to ask Larry if he was truly up for this, with everything Larry told him he understood, or simply believed that what Larry wanted was that which was right. Despite that, the means they were about to take weren’t in his list of morally acceptable ones. “There has to be another way to do this Larry. We don’t have to do this.” Daniel spoke out faster than he intended. “Are you bailing out on me? My dad is doing nothing about this; he’s just another coward that can’t man up when he’s required. I ain’t about to stand and watch everything my father build just fall down cos’ of some prick with a suit. I’m not that coward. Look, either your with me, or not. Make up your mind.” Larry looked him with desperation. Daniel never could understand what it was; he hasn’t been through something like this. But he could imagine how it would be to blindly protect something you treasure. “I’m with you, not gonna bail on my bro”. Larry smiled.

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Leaving the tomb meant leaving this apartment too, with Diana leaving for work there was nothing here of any interest to me. I decided to attempt finding the waitress which I spoke with. Even though I have no clue how she looked like or if she was really a waitress, but it was better than lying here with curiosity destroying my brain cells.

I could taste the warm air which struck me when I opened the back doors. This time though, things weren’t as stressful. Down the stairs I went, attempting to fallow the same path that got me here, in reverse.

We all have things that keep us going, those little thoughts we wake up with in the morning, they makes us begin to believe we actually want to get up. Diana was one of those things now, I couldn’t deny it. I actually never thought I’d be in this position, seeing how, in the past, I only saw others be in this so called “love”.

The morning bus was crowded and there wasn’t a seat to be found. I kept trying to grasp for a breath but each new one would taste like a dead animal. A dead Perry! I hoped. Not long after that thought I pushed the crowd aside and got out of the bus. As it happens, the same “Jax bar & grill” was few steps ahead.

 

I began walking towards the doors…

 

 

Strawberries, cherries and an angel's kiss in spring
My summer wine is really made from all these things
Take off your silver spurs and help me pass the time
And I will give to you, summer wine.

 

She sang, and I looked in the direction of the beautiful, also well familiar voice. It was Diana’s favorite song, and I stood there on the parking lot. Listening to her singing was the biggest desire in a girl I could ever wish for.

But what was she doing here?