Chapter 4: In grief there is solitude

 

“God damn it!” I almost said out loud after 5 minutes of waiting. Having parked the van, Tim went for the public bathroom not hundred meters away.  Once more I was left standing, wasting time, and looking at the clouds. One thing was certain, I’d most likely never be a main character in a story, seeing how exciting all this was.

Tim was breathing hard in a slightly bent position as he walked towards me. It looked like his Down’s syndrome took a turn for the worse. “How’s it going?” I asked knowing it was a mistake; I couldn’t deny myself a chance to mock him. He just looked at me and I knew it was time to shut up and get back into the van.

Before I knew it we were back in Hamilton, who knew, staring through the window actually made the time pass quicker. Tim now looked really pale and I started to question his ability to drive, right after he almost flew us off the highway. But hey, not like I was ready to walk home from here. Besides, it was another fifteen minute drive to the warehouse.

“Give me a cigarette from the glove department” he spoke barely. Now that I heard his fading voice I really felt uneasy. I did what he said though, opened the glove department and took a cigarette out of the box. Before I even realized what was happening Tim’s head slammed on the controller. “S**t!” I screamed while trying to take control over the van.

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Larry, who sat in a café bar drinking his first coffee today, whipped his sweaty forehead. He came here early, trying to prepare himself for the meeting.”I hope he didn’t screw it up” he hoped, even though he made sure everything went according to plan. If he didn’t know Daniel, it would have been his job to kill the woman, and he wasn’t the type to do all the dirty work.

It was already past noon and Daniel knew he needed to bring the ear as evidence soon. He was kind of scared of what would happen the moment he becomes useless to this group of people he was about to meet. Only thing that drove him towards the café was the alternative.

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Diana put her phone back on the living room table. I kept my eyes half-open and kept believing she thought I was asleep. “When are your parents getting back?” she asked and I yawned, waking up from my delusion. With her hand, she passed through her long red hair and brought my thoughts back to life. “Another two weeks” I replied and looked towards the small kitchen. “Can I have some of that?” I pointed towards the coffee mug. “I’m not gonna serve you.”

I’ve been waiting for a right moment to ask, but the awkward silence while I waited for the water to boil, made me rush into it. “What did I do exactly that night?” she took a sip from her mug. “You don’t know?” “Nope, first thing I remember was tripping over my porch”

 “Well, I got work today, and frankly I don’t feel like going through it right now” I thought about it for a while, staring at her.” Yeah, I understand” “Don’t you have a job too? You mentioned some warehouse or something like that” “I don’t think I should be showing up there anymore” I replied, “Suit yourself, have fun watching TV all day” she smiled pointing towards the remote, and then went for the bathroom. Water started boiling.

I knew she loved him, Brad that is. It devoured me from the inside, but when you love someone, you want what is best for them, even if it wasn’t me. And I let it happen, even if I hated it, there was nothing I could even do. She was happy, that’s what mattered. God I’m stupid, it seemed she will never be happy again. Fake smiles couldn’t cover that up.

This world has a screwed up way to make you grow up. It’s like a law, either you will grow up and change whatever you believe in, or you pay the price. This was my price, I couldn’t go where the rules led me, it is this fucked up pride inside me. Kept thinking I was right, when in reality, you only cause everyone around you misery for however much you are different from the society. And that feeling alone, forces the change. And what should I do, ignore all this? How do you even reach that point of being able to look past whatever is staring at you and imagine something else? Some illusion of happiness that will drive you to forget your own mistakes. And I tried to deny myself this feeling. Like I wanted to be guilty, trying to find myself in this state of depression; attempting to be human for once.

Then she was gone, out those same doors I went through yesterday. And now, it was just me. With a remote control I couldn’t reach. All that was left was, to once more, close my eyes.

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“It’ll be over soon” said Tony to a blonde guy next to him, only to make himself feel better about all this. Every time he saw Brads worried face he could feel anxiety rush through his body, his palms sweaty, making him want to get over with this even faster than before. And the only way that would happen, was if Brad would hurry across the street.

Brad looked pale and tired; he got himself in a business he thought he could handle. Instead it caused his own thoughts to turn on him, making him insane. It was always about money, he thought. Like he could reach his dreams with his hand but not grab it with his fingers. He saw Diana’s face in front of him, smiling.

“Come on Brad, we can’t afford you staring at the ground all day.” Tony rushed him. “It’s not even that far away, and you know how boss gets when he has to wait for someone.” Brad hadn’t said a word, just took a few clumsy steps towards Tony to close the gap. “Try to act like it’s not your first time” Tony added as if he believed it would make a difference.

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The rough sheets and a crappy pillow didn’t help my throbbing headache. By now I realized I was lying on the side of a hospital bed. In the room were two other guys who seemed to be doing nothing more than staring at the white wall in front of us, only a cross on it, to make it feel less lonely. I was covered up in bandage. Not even surprising, I though. I had no idea how to drive in the first place, and having to turn the van to the left, made Tim’s lifeless body fall to my side, making me unable to do anything. I don’t know what I felt at that moment; I guess it was just the survival instinct that forced me to save my own life. Like nothing else mattered.

And for a change, I liked that feeling. Forgetting about everything else, I tried to hold onto it, until the room changed. I couldn’t think of a better person to rush through the wooden doors and lean over my bed to wrap her arms around me. Diana looked scared, and I was surprised. How did she even know of this?

“How are you feeling?” she stood staring at me. “I-I guess I’m fine” I replied confused. I had only woken up and my crush was staring at me, scared. I didn’t know what to feel first. Should I be happy that she showed up, or sad that she was scared? I always knew I was bad in these situations. I was the worst person to show my true emotions to others. Like I was frozen inside, but instead those feelings dwelled only in my mind, just a thought that couldn’t live. And I knew what it really was, feeling of getting rejected by people. My worst enemy I suppose was my way of looking at this world. It’s abnormal, and still, I thought it was the only truth.

“Why are you here?” I couldn’t resist asking. “You know my mom works at the hospital” she reminded me, supposedly she was a head nurse around here. She probably saw me hanging out with Diana back in school. “The doctors say it’s nothing serious, you’ll be out tomorrow morning. Just a smaller concussion.” She said, relieved, but still shocked to see me in this state. “What the hell happened?” “I was on the way from Brantford and Tim…..f**k, how is he?” “Tim? My mom didn’t mention anyone else”, “He was the one driving; he passed out just after we entered Hamilton, that’s why we crashed.” She just looked at me, “Stay in bed and I’ll see if I can find out what happened to him”. I wouldn’t say I cared about Tim at this point, it would be retarded to care for a person you despised before just for the fact that he was hurt. Or maybe it wouldn’t, I’ve been over this, don’t know what to feel anymore.

I feel cold, distant, even from my own thoughts. I want them gone. Sometimes I want all those things the world offers but my f*****g mind is holding me back. And how the hell can I forget everything I realized up until now? How the f**k am I supposed to find a meaning to my life if I believe that everything is meaningless? And most of all, how do I even stay alive without a purpose? It was time to reach the TV remote.

 

It was also sunny outside, what one might call to be a perfect day. But it was never about how things truly are, only how you perceive them in your mind. I always tried to be objective, fighting against the part in me that saw things through the eyes of emotions. Being indifferent, completely emotionally dead, is perfection. You could never feel bad for whatever you are missing; you could never feel bad for the fact that you are different. Unfortunately I was stuck with those two things.

This guy on the TV was talking about awareness. Not in general, but being aware that thoughts of humans, even those miles away, are no different. If we truly believe that we aren’t alone in our way of thinking, could we achieve this connection with another being on a deeper level? I was never much into spiritualism but, just show me this person, this person that’s like me.  My thoughts crossed over Diana, but no, she still had social goals. She could find herself in this world, live by its conventions and hold onto hope. Funny thing with hope is that I didn’t have it when it came to big things. I lived day by day and most hope I could gather was for those small things that could make you feel better at just one moment. Because for anything else, I had no idea if I wanted it.

And with all this s**t I believed in, I could still love her. And it didn’t feel the way I thought it would. So maybe, just maybe I am wrong about everything else. Perhaps I don’t even dare to think of things differently.