Chapter 3 : Something else entirely

 

I left the bus on Highway 8 and I was just one street away from Diana’s place. She lived in an apartment building which I had visited only once before. I remember hearing kids screaming on the second floor and seeing a weird janitor that was limping down the steps.

“Was it, 1265?” I mumbled, and continued towards the back of the building. I could notice that on the right side were advertisement billboards for the poor people that were willing to read them, it’s like they throw them in your face and yell “Buy!” it’s not even an offer anymore, instead they actually make you believe that you can’t live without it. “Superior service my a*s” I thought while passing by one of the billboards. I guess these mumbled monologues were a constant in my life, I remember once trying to get rid of them, but they were here nonetheless. I suppose they were one more proof for the society that I was supposed to be cast out of its circle. Like I wanted to be in it in the first place, or maybe, deep down we all do.

Behind the building, where I was heading, were white stairs leading to each and every apartment back doors. Next to them, parked, was Diana’s car. I wasn’t sure if I entirely liked this, because I wanted to avoid the unpleasant conversation that was coming. I knew it was the only option, but still, I hate facing problems. In fact, I actually managed to realize every rationalization I gave myself, which in the end got me to feel like crap for everything I do. It seems society forces you to lie not only to others, but to yourself also, even more often than the first. But if I was trying to rationalize my actions in a society I know is screwed up, isn’t it an attempt to justify the society itself? And all this thinking seemed meaningless, when at the end of the day; you still have to live with it. Only difference is that you’ll be in pain more often just for realizing all this.

It was time I got up these stairs, I thought. She was on the first floor and it wasn’t a long trip, in fact it was so short that I needed a small pause after I reached the old, brown, door. The knob was warm, and the doors unlocked, but I decided to knock anyway. It took a while, but then they were wide open, and the same beautiful face I remembered, was staring at me.

“Maybe it was meant to be, you know. Couldn’t help but feel like I brought this on myself” said Brad as we stood on the street across the warehouse. Forgetting about Tim, I saw him across the street walking to his workplace, and I didn’t really want to have a long chat. He spotted me and came rushing across the street, as if I was his best friend. Well, I knew him as my former high school classmate and, now and then, we would have these retarded talks that I used mostly for forgetting about everything else. But now, it was a bit different.

“What do you want me to say, you know I’m not good with this mushy stuff. Although, objectively, just talk with her about it” I replied and looked towards the doors that shut behind Tim and his friend. “Did you even listen? I talked to her already”. “Oh, it, could have been worse? She could have smacked you in the face.” “Not funny dude, seriously.” He sighed.

It was all about Diana, also a former classmate, and I couldn’t deny the fact that I also liked her. We were close before, but with time things cooled off, and I blew my chance already. I used my serious face while attempting to hide the fact that I was making fun of him. He knew it though, but still. “Could you talk to her?” “No man, don’t do this to me” “At least so I know that I did everything I could” “Hmm, so you did. Me however, I can live with the fact that I didn’t.” I smiled. “Still not funny.” “Ok, ok. Whatever”. He said his goodbye and ran for work. Thank god he lives in Brantford, I though.

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“Still dark, huh” Daniel told himself as he walked the empty streets of Hamilton. He knew though, that this wasn’t going to end well good for him. He thought about what would happen if he turned himself in, maybe the sentence would be shorter, or, just for the fact that he had a stone on his chest.

Maria was a woman in her sixties that was mostly sitting home watching TV just for the sake of catching a daily gossip to share with her equally old friend. Daniel knew her as a friend of his mother, and former local hooker that lost her beauty over the years. It was hard to imagine any motive behind all this, but it wasn’t his to question this. Only this ear in his pocket, stained with blood, and making this stone sink even deeper into his chest. As if it was braking his spine, somewhat how he felt for simply agreeing to all this. “But why? No, it doesn’t matter” he told himself, “I will do it, if not this, there’s nothing else left”.

The police station wasn’t far, and he continued slowly towards it. He was unsure, who could even blame him. Guilt destroys you from the inside, and it was a feeling that was foreign to him. He never knew why or how this feeling appeared. “I had died a long time ago” he thought. No doubt it was time for something different, doesn’t matter what, just that it was different.

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“How are you holding up? After, you know” I asked Diana from the doorstep. “Fine I guess, still can’t believe something like that can happen” “True, we do mistakes, but you never expect that someone’s life would be in danger because of them. Seems unreal” I looked towards the ground.

That’s how it was though, life that is. You get thrown into this grownup world where you actions cause ten times bigger consequences than before. And I didn’t like it before but, now, I learned my lesson I suppose. Only regret was that Brad’s death got me there. Or maybe it wasn’t regret; I never had this appreciation for things around me. Over the years I learned to let go of any expectations in my life. It makes me that much understanding towards the actions of others, simply because I think that everything a person does is justified. It’s true though, when you think about it, the society is built on the assumption that we aren’t animals. It’s just this fact that you can’t do anything in this world, or achieve anything, without hurting another. We moved on from being animals just to have arbitrary rules that create consequences for problems that should never even exist. Because what is death? It would seem meaningless to feel sorry for Brad when thousands of other people die every year. How is he different than them, just because I had memories with him? If that is true, it is also selfish. Because I wouldn’t be sad for the fact that he died, I would be sad for whatever I lost when he died. If we take out this “memory” of the person, all that would be left was pity, you could relate to how he died, and imagine yourself in the same position. Pure, selfless, sorrow does not exist. Because then, we would feel it for every human being that suffers on this world; making it impossible for us to function as a person. The concept was easy, but being grown up in this world, makes one takes its values and feel sad just because he thinks or believes he should feel that way. Even if it’s meaningless.

“Are you going to come in or what?” she asked while stepping aside. “Yeah, I came here to talk to you anyway” I walked in and sat on the couch, she sat in front of me on the sofa. “I’ve met him in Brantford a week ago, he spoke of you, said he wanted me to talk to you about what happened between you two.” She stared, and placed her elbows on her knees leaning forward.”And you decided to do it now? A*****e” “Wow, are you seriously going to blame me for this?” “You were here three days ago and never mentioned a thing, what do you expect me to believe? We could have stopped him long ago.” I ran out of words. She was right; I had forgotten everything back then, like a child who was given his long expected toy. I guess I wouldn’t take that feeling back, even if I had another chance.

“What can I do now? What do you want me to do” “Nothing, just… I don’t know”. It was pointless, she didn’t want to blame me, and never got to the point of forgiveness. I guess in these situations you simply have to find someone to blame, even if it makes no difference. I had no idea what to expect, and there was the money problem, banging in my head. “You know, my parents left town. And I’m broke, lost all my money” “So that’s why you came?” I looked aside, noticing a framed picture of a landscape. “I don’t expect anything…” I tried to comfort myself. “You can stay here; I know your house is a mess.” She sighed, and I placed my eyes on her face once more. “But, you don’t have to…” “I do, I still owe you from last night”. Last night? I remembered how I became conscious in front of my house but, everything is blurry, just that waitress from the bar. I wanted to ask her, but she looked tired, sleepless night I suppose.

I watched Brad rush down the road and wondered what I was supposed to do now. With Tim being in the warehouse having a nice chat with his buddy, I was left outside with nothing to do but stare at the passing clouds.

It turned out Tim didn’t have a pleasant conversation after all, seeing how he stormed out of the warehouse. “Let’s go!” he yelled. “Why, what happened?” “None of your business, kid”.  The trip was quiet from that point, and I preferred it since there wasn’t anything interesting to talk about anyway. Hamilton wasn’t so far away and with my parents leaving this morning I couldn’t wait to get home from this boring job and enjoy the quiet interior.

I would think of my parents to have most annoying habit of all, they would literary talk about whatever they would be doing and commenting everything out loud. After nineteen years you’d think you are used to it, but no. So I think that I couldn’t be blamed much for wanting that sweet quietness.

I kind of wondered if I should do what Brad asked of me, going to Diana’s place would be a mistake. Only for the fact that she hated my guts. As we grew apart we would get into these weird discussions and start annoying each other. I don’t know how to explain it, but it was never a good thing to annoy your crush. I wasn’t sure where we left of when the fourth grade ended, but it can’t be good. I left the whole idea and exited the van on a truck stop along the road to Hamilton. I guess Tim needed something to ease his anger.

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Not a moment ago everything was quiet, Daniel remembered. It was another work day and streets were getting filled with cars, making it almost impossible for him to hear his cell phone ringing. He looked at the screen and saw a number that he knew well. “Not now.” He mumbled and again faced the crowded street. After that, he could only remember his family at home and what could happen if he were to turn himself in. Larry would most likely doubt that he gave the whole thing over to the police and, since he couldn’t reach him, his family would suffer. With his head pounding he barely avoided the people passing next to him.

He knew all too well what happens when someone looses a parent. It changes you, and for some, they get dragged into this vortex of sorrow and never leave it. He was somewhat one of those that chose to believe that his mother dying had no meaning. It was a blessing though, because she died when he was 7. Barely even conscious of the world, and not used to whatever a real family offered, he avoided that feeling of loss. What was left was only a question of how his life would turn out if it never happened. His kids however, were older, and he didn’t want to have them experience situations that went circling in his mind. Going home however is something he didn’t want to do right now, before he knew it, dawn turned into a day.