Yellow

Yellow is the color of the flame that burns the flesh of my fellow.

Yellow is a fellowly color, a color that feels like a friendly fellow.

Yellow is bright like the sun, the tons of cosmic dust pressed into one,

Pushing against itself for fun until its exhausted its run.

 

Yellow burns like the sun, bellows hot fun at the expense of the other.

Yellow looks like my fellow whose ego is not so mellow, rather it smothers,

Smothers his sense of others such that he burns them like the yellow sun.

Friends are yellow suns: some have fun with you, others while you’re there, stunned.

 

Stunned perhaps by the brightness of the yellow sun of your fellow,

Or stunned by its scorching, evil brilliance that charms with just, “hello!”

Yellow looks fellowly but it’s just a mellow plot that it weaves,

A plot that ties you up until you can’t leave.

 

Yellow is the color of that scorch that torches the heart.

Yellow is the color of the flame that plays games from the start.

Yellow is the flame that burns the flesh of my fellow.

Yellow is the fellow that is me--at last I bellow!

Author's Note

Please give me an honest critique. Thank you!

I know I use the word "fellow" a lot here. When I sat to write this, the tone most naturally came out as innocent, even child-like at points. Since children don't have an extensive vocabulary they often repeat the same word over and over, hence my abundant use of "fellow" here!

Reviews

[Anni Pon]

I love the concept of having chapters that are named after colors. Lots of potential there. I do think it's a bit repetitive-- for example, I see the word fellow at least 8 times. Sometimes repetition works, but in this case it doesn't seem to have a particular purpose besides to rhyme with yellow. You do want to be careful not to force rhymes too much. Rhyming poetry should still have a purpose and a main point behind it, and not just rhyming words for the sake of rhyming. Also, thinking about meter is critical to any kind of rhyming poetry, so make sure you read it back out loud to see if it flows and the rhymes seem to hit on the "beats". Just my suggestions since you wanted some critique. Keep it up!

[Garrett Leatherman]

Thank you very much for your comments!

[The Ink Chapters]

As others have mentioned the word fellow is used to much and it takes away from the poem. I’m also confused what the message of this poem is. However when I read this I can get a sense of your passion and talent and I hope you keep writing because it has a lot of potential.

[Garrett Leatherman]

Thank you for taking the time read my poem and give me a review! As I say in the note above:
"I know I use the word "fellow" a lot here. When I sat to write this, the tone most naturally came out as innocent, even child-like at points. Since children don't have an extensive vocabulary they often repeat the same word over and over, hence my abundant use of "fellow" here!"

[Wicahpi]

I must say that I get it, but my tongue was twisted a bit awkwardly.
I am no judge and surely no jury and I do believe that everyone has their own
poetic vision, so to speak.

This helped me:

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/7-fundamental-rules-of-poetry/

It wouldn't hurt to check it out. To me, there were just too many 'fellowly fellows'.
I believe that you have vision. Never stop writing.

[Garrett Leatherman]

Hey there again, Wicahpi. You are the second person to point out the overuse of the word "fellow", and I see why it is justified. When I wrote it, I wanted the tone to be somewhat playful, even child-like at points. And children often repeat words since their vocabulary is so limited--lol. At least that is what felt most natural as I wrote it. Nonetheless, your review warrants revision, especially since you are the second person to mention this. Let's see if I can come up with a version with less use of the word :)

[Wicahpi]

I totally understand the 'childlike' reference. With that as your vision for this piece, then maybe place that in the notes for the benefit of your readers. A more in-depth perspective of where the mind is at the time of writing. That would be helpful to the reader. When you explained, I received it more. Thank you for sharing your point!

[Garrett Leatherman]

Thanks for the tip. I'll put that in the description to guide the reader.