Crash Boom Bang

A face like broken pavement
And a voice like a hacksaw
Golden teeth and gory sludge lipstick
Thickly drawl out enough
"ain't",
"mmmmmm-hmmmmmmm",
and "oh, honey, please"
To drop the IQ of the cheapest
Second Street w***e
A body like a hermaphrodite
Clothed in movement restricting
Studded gold pleather
Her life is a tragic accident
And I find myself staring

Reviews

[Laura Maidah]

"Golden teeth" fails me every time I try to like it. Sorry. It's generic. It's done. Hacksaw voice kills. Wow. I feel like you're trying to make this poem more than it is in the last two lines. Your tone is kind of"i don't give a s**t about her" in the other lines. All of a sudden, you're morning her tragedy and the MC is into her? Staring because she's butt ugly? Because she's a w***e and he's a virgin? LOL. I'm kidding on that last bit. But seriously good material.. The IQ line to the second street w***e is pretty magnif. The clothed in movement is strange syntax-wise. Maybe: "A body like a herm(to make it match the beat of previous end "w***e")/Clothed in restriction motions(cuts verbosity)/gold pleather studs(keeps your meter going as well as speed up pacing) Her life and on is far too sentimental. It's bipolar.

[Olivia Marie]

Not sure how to respond to this one. It's different. I wish you had tied it together more smoothly. But It was still good. Just... Off.

[Elaenor Aisling]

Great imagery, you paint a vivid picture for the reader. God work.

[That_Girl]

Pretty well said. Your opinion of the girl seems to change... but maybe not. That's just what it seemed like to me. Maybe the attitude at the end is one of acceptance? Not sure, but I love the poem overall.

[Corset]

I can't tell if the staring is in shock of what you see in her or if you are fascinated on a base level from her raw nature, or if it's the tragedy of her life that makes you stare. In any case the write in itself leaves one to draw their own conclusions which could go either way, Personally I think it's brilliant!

[Legolas]

Interesting poem. Good job. I have no clue what it is about however

[eglantine]

This is def your best yet. Great great GREAT up-beat destcription...I can see her clearly and couldn't help but curl away from the screen as I read it.

[Marissa]

Great!

[Ceri]

"A face like broken pavement/And a voice like a hacksaw/Golden teeth and gory sludge lipstick" great description, and the overall message of the poem is so true. Thanks for the read request, I enjoyed this.

[Dr. Wood ?]

great stuff! I love this sort of thing, never tried it myself because I know I would fail..Well done