Foreign Beast

With wild eyes
as black as coal
that seem to pierce
my wounded soul

Its downy coat
beckons until
its hackles rise
like sharpened quills

For many years
I feared it not,
took willingly
these scars I've got

I listened for
its mighty cry,
the call, once heard,
won't be denied

And watched it pace
with my tears imbued,
still searching for
its favorite food

Its lonely dance
designed to lure,
my hopes and dreams
its foul manure

With tooth and nail
this beast I fought,
though others say
it can't be caught

Now in its cage,
it cannot sing,
nor make of me
its weak plaything

This beast called love
I fathom not,
even though
I feel I ought

So thin and pale,
this foreign beast;
my measly crumbs
its only feast

Reviews

[ranscan]

A wonderful tale, that grasps the breath and stirs the yearning of the heart. A well developed theme, consistent pressure applied by the form and the rhyme that shows in the swirling depths of the emotional tapestry.
The second stanza, the word raise, would not the word rise be a better fit?
The fourth stanza rhyme seems a little weak," I can't deny" might fit the rhyme without changing the line or thought much?
In the sixth the words "foul manure" seems wrong, perhaps confiture if your hopes and dreams are something the beast would desire or enjoy eating, perhaps foul armure if the beast uses them to win the battle, if the price or reward it collects for luring you multure, its treasure as in foul parure, or perhaps it uses them as coverings to conceal its true nature as in foul vesture, and if you wish to relate the beasts abuse of them foul w***e, though perhaps too much for the tone of the piece.
The seventh stanza, a possible small hitch easily fixed, it couldn't be caught rather than "it can't be caught".
This work has wonderful imagery, and follows through to an end that challenges the expectations of the reader.
Better the measly crumbs from an angel's table, than the freely offered feast of a demon.

[Gaia Octavia]

Thank you for your review and suggestions! I did go back and work through it a bit. As for the "manure," I was going for the thought of the beast devouring and shitting out my hopes and dreams, as only failed love can, but for the most part I definitely used your suggestions. Thanks a bunch! I will have to read some more of your pieces when I have some free time! Thank you for all of your reviews.

[James]

This was wonderful, and not just with the superb rhyming. I love the way you describe the fight against and the painfulness of love and how it devours us until we surrender to it.

[Gaia Octavia]

Thank you very much ☺

[Gaia Octavia]

It seems you know this beast as well ☺☺

[Kat]

I love the story you managed to tell with great rhythm and in a small space. Nice job!

[Gaia Octavia]

Thank you!

[Lyn Anderson]

This is a great poem, lovely rhythm and form, and a wonderful punch at the end.

[Gaia Octavia]

Thank you very much ☺

[Papaya]

Very dark and chilly at the start but this breathes light at the end. And I really like that.
Your rhyming is super btw. So smooth.

[Gaia Octavia]

Thank you very much ☺

[Papaya]

My pleasure. I always enjoy your poems. :)

[Gaia Octavia]

Likewise ☺

[LastMonth]

Yikes.

That revelation hits home.
I must wonder how can one come to describe love in such a vividly painful way?
It seems almost terrifying.

I view it quite differently,
But in terms of skill and expressing your emotions, you've done quite very well with this poem.
Keep up the good work Gaia.

[Gaia Octavia]

Terrifying is the perfect adjective ☺ As always, thank you!