High Drama

Tragic & passionate romance with deep love and crazy times based on my experience whilst living in Dublin. An honest account of one year that rocked my world.

Extracts from High Drama by Gabriella Murphy

Walking into the lion’s den and having my head ripped off

So on the Monday night after I attend a gig I get this text from him: ‘Hope you enjoyed the gig! I’d like to meet up at some stage for a talk this week, so let me know when suits you x’. Very ominous. He never asks to meet up for a chat!! But then I know what’s coming, but I and everyone else believes he wouldn’t, couldn’t and shouldn’t do what he goes on to in fact do. So I reply to say that Wednesday is good for me. I end up phoning him actually to say, hey & that I’m so happy that I came over on the Sunday and that yes we can talk, but I also check with him that we are back together yes? That we are starting anew life together as he said…yes? I question him on this a bit as I want him to be very aware of what he said and that I expect that to be upheld. That I’m not going to take s**t in other words…..

Then later in the morning I text him, just to solidify what I said earlier and to make sure he won’t back down. For him to know there are strong feelings involved and you can’t do this to the girl you love. So I text: I love you Alex O’D. Thanks for calling me Sunday and then later saying what you said to me. So glad you didn’t let me go. See you tomorrow. Can’t wait! Xx. Then I get a reply from him ‘Love you too G. See you tomorrow evening. Stay over in my place if you want??Xxx’. OK, good. Let’s see what tomorrow brings I think to myself. 

Then on the Wednesday I get a text from him: Hi what’s the story with later? You still want to meet up? X’ �" I find this strange. Firstly because he never checks if I still want to meet up, secondly the tone ‘what’s the story with later’, he never uses words like that with me. I see red flags coming from that message & my gut is screaming to me walk away. But I have spoken to many friends about tonight and they have all said, there is no way he’ll back track. Plus they all agree that there is no way he was going to let you go. Now he has said all this that he wants to do with you, he just wants to talk about it. It’s good Claire, it’s OK, don’t worry. He means well. He’s just being sensible in wanting to talk about it. He’s hardly going to say he didn’t mean it!! So I reply about heading to a restaurant for dinner, one of our favourites. He replies: Ok cool, see you then. Looking forward to seeing you too X. 

So the evening arrives. I get ready & leave work to meet him. My heart is in my throat. I have a very bad feeling about this. It feels familiar. Such dread envelopes me, but I try to be brave. On the way down I bump into a good friend who later will play an instrumental part in supporting me and giving me strength. He asks me what I’m up to and I tell him and give him an update. He is cautious and says look after yourself. He also says that I should call him later to let him know how it goes. He says this because he can perhaps see the fear and dread written across my face. Perhaps he knew what I was walking into and read that from me too. That’s why he asked me to let him know how it goes tonight. Some weeks later when we meet, he said that he could see that I know what I was walking into, but that there was no use in talking to me, as I was willing to face it. He said that I looked like I seen a ghost. I phone Al to say I can’t get through to the restaurant and that I’ll go ahead and see if I can pop in to get a table. But they are full, so I say to him, follow me around to Grogans & we’ll grab a drink and go from there. I can hear by his voice that he’s hesitant and hiding something. There’s no joy there. It sounds like he’s just going through the motions or battling with himself again. It’s funny that you can read so much into that, but when you know someone and how they behave, you feel that you can pick on these small things. It’s hard for someone not to give things away.

So I sit down and keep a seat outside and notice his pal that we holidayed with n Italy beside me on the next table. We start chatting and it eases my mind. Takes away from all the thoughts and fears running through my head and more importantly my heart. He soon arrives and greets me. Not so warm I save to say. Ok, perhaps he’s nervous. After all we are going to have a serious talk. We chat to his pal and his friend too. We all have drinks together and decide to get out of the cold. Al is dressed in a weird way, not cool, a bit dishevelled. He looks tired. Not attractive and beaming. Not someone that professed to his girlfriend recently that he wanted a future. He should be skipping down to meet me full of joy and love in his heart. But then again so should I. So here we are! Two shell shocked people! We end up moving to another pub. We both agree that it would be nice to have drinks with these guys and that the night is young. We’ll go to get some food soon. No harm. I was enjoying the company and banter and so was he too. Plus a few drinks into us, perhaps will ease us up for the inevitable chat that is to come. Plus I needed to loosen up and try to let go of some fears. 

So we arrive and start to get some rounds in. I sit beside his pal and we have good rapport together. It’s nice and Al is sitting across the table, so I’m in between the guys and this feel good. Nice to be the only girl with some guys having drinks and banter �" one of my loves. Because I love chatting to guys, the talk is always better and I can contribute lots too. I start to feel much more confident. There are times during the night where we try to go to dinner or some contemplate leaving. Then one of the guys announces after the fourth round of drinks, ok, now we are actually on a session!! During the evening Al takes my hand across the table. He looks at me with those kind loving doe like big eyes and I feel really secure. I smile back at him. We communicate with our eyes and smile that say I love you. When he’s up at the bar I catch him looking down at me proudly and full of love again. This is great, this is what we used to do. Wow it actually is starting to feel like my worst fears are fading away. He kisses me over the table and says he loves me. His pal, says ah look they are so in love, it’s so nice! He proclaims to all, ‘Isn’t she so beautiful’, he asks them ‘isn’t she’, they all agree. I’m bashful and kiss him and tell him that I think he’s amazing.

Finally at 10pm or thereabouts the guys leave. We say lots of nice things to each other and comment that it actually spontaneously turned out to be a fun evening. He tells me that he was staring down at me from the bar and looking at me. It is all going well. Then he says that we need to fix things with him family and I say that you need to fix things with my family. I tell him that there is a lot of making up to do, healing, getting over things and trust needs to be established again. But let’s do things slowly. We agree. Then as we sit down for another drink, I ask him if he remembers what he said to me on Sunday evening? He says very flippantly that he knows he loves me. I say yes and I love you too, but do you recall what you said Al? He starts to become quite coy. I’m now feeling like I’m in a fight or flight situation. I know what is to come, but I persist. 

I want him to hear him say those frightful words to me. I want to see if he would dare. I was not getting anywhere. So I say that I actually wrote down everything that you said to me later. I needed to, because it was so incredible. I wanted to have it clear in my mind. I also added that when I came over to him on Sunday night, that I was in fact sober. So in fact was able to recall everything without any uncertainty. He’s not liking this I can tell. He’s frustrated. This is not a good sign at all. I await the repetitive behaviour I know so well now to come through. So I call out some of the words he said to me: ‘I love you so much, you have no idea how much I love you’. He agrees that he in fact does love me very much. He also says that he remembers saying to me that ‘we’d make such a good team’ and ‘I’ve got your back’ and ‘I’m a good person to have on your team’……but then I say if you remember that, then you remember all the rest!!!?? I continue: ‘I want to marry you. Do you want to get married?’, ‘Let’s get married’, ‘I want to have babies with you’, We gotta start next year’, ‘Let’s start planning a new life together’, ‘I’ve come to a big decision’, ‘I need to man up’, I’m not going to find anyone else as good as you and as amazingly beautiful’, ‘I don’t want you to be with anyone else’, ‘I want to get married to you in a church’, ‘I want to get you a ring’…….I didn’t get to ream off all of the above, because he cut me off halfway through. He then delivered his lines: ‘ I meant it at the time’, ‘I was drunk’, ‘I was out drinking all day Claire’, ‘I know that I do love you’, ‘I want to be with you and make it work’, ‘I’m not ready for this’, ‘I can’t give you what you want’, etc… 

I stopped him and asked him to confirm that he meant this. So I asked him ‘Are you telling me seriously that everything you said to me on Sunday is a lie?’, ‘That I should take that you love me as not a lie, but separate everything else, put it in a little box and forget about it?’. He replied in so many words: Yes. In that moment I felt such despair, utter sadness, shock that this was happening again, that he would do this again to me, how cruel, such anger, I wanted to hurt him, but what could I say to that??? I was lost for words. I walked out. 

I walked around the block to take it in and gather myself. I wanted to be able to give a reply. Not letting him away that easily. As I walk back I see that he’s at the bar ordering another drink. I call him and say to him, I can’t believe you did this to me, that you lied to me again & you let me walk out, like this is nothing to you!? I don’t get any warm response at all. It only makes me feel worse. So I end the conversation, perhaps hanging up no doubt. I think about phoning a pal, but dig my heels in and try to feel what it is I want to do. Now I know you’re reading this and saying walk away. Go home and be rid of this person. See him for what he is. But I want to say something to his face. I want the final say. I want to ensure I can show him I’m strong enough to not be defeated and can stand up for myself. So I go back in. 

I repeat that I cannot believe he has lied again. He says I meant it at the time, I got carried away, I’m sorry, but I’m not ready for this yet. I’m only 29 G etc…… I’m furious. That he would do this is beyond me. This is clearly someone not of normal sound mind. So when I go to leave again after repeating what I said, I look back and he gives me this weird smile, almost as if to say ha,ha! Gotchya! Like he was enjoying this. In an instant I walk to him, take his full pint of Guinness and pour it over his head. 

Everyone in the bar stops and looks around. I feel like I should tell them why I did this. So I shout to him from the door ‘How dare you lie to me about wanting babies and to marry me, how dare you say you meant it only at the time, you can’t keep doing this, how dare you do this to me.’ I walk out light a cigarette and walk calmly to get a taxi home. I feel a sense of achievement. Great he has to sit there with a Guinness over his head with everyone knowing what he did to me. Wonderful. Later I get congratulations from everyone on this action. The guys in work are loving it. He has no fans on my side that’s for sure. But my sense of achievement is short lived. On the way home I text some pals & let them know how that he had in fact backtracked. They are shocked beyond belief. They didn’t see that coming and can’t believe he could be so cruel and nasty. I don’t remember falling asleep just staring my window in shock. 

I speak with pals on the phone that night & the next day. They are so supportive. I tell them that he has crossed the line and that I want revenge. I think of what I can do and discuss with pals too. Now I’m obviously not in any state of mind to be communicating anything to anyone about him other than close friends, so exacting revenge would be rash. A pal advises that revenge is best served cold and that I should wait, and plan and exact with no emotion. I catch up with colleagues the next day and update them. They want to know how it went. I tell them and they say he’s dead!! Nice to know so many people have got my back. It makes me feel better.