Dirty Bathtub

Tonight is the night 

I'm going to do it 

I've got some pills in the closet 

Red, blue, pink, and clear ones 

I've got a sharp knife 

And skinny wrists 

Bruised skin 

Aching veins 

My mom got drunk tonight 

She's passed out on the couch 

She won't hear me, 

Even if I scream out loud 

Tonight is the night 

I've cleaned the tub 

Scrubbed the dirt away 

And filled it with hot water 

There's one small problem in the back of my mind 

I imagine their reflections in the dark red blood

If tonight is the night 

And my family is asleep, 

God doesn't seem to be listening 

And my bed is unmade 

Will they cry? 

No matter how hard I try 

The reflections won't go away 

This tub will never be clean 

And when they see me lying at the bottom 

It'll never be okay

Will they ever forgive themselves? 

Will they ever forget? 

I take off my clothes 

And slip into the tub 

I smell my moms perfume and 

See my dad's socks 

It's always easier within my thoughts 

If only tonight was the night...

Author's Note

I don't know guys.

Reviews

[Taiken]

This is one of your best works. The line "And my bed is unmade" made me think a lot. To me it seems like you were just looking for excuses not to do "it." Deep inside you don't want to end up in a dirty bathtub. You want to go fix your bed, and you want someone(or something) to convince you not to do it before you walk back to the bathroom. Out of all the lines in the whole poem, that line had the most hope. I hope you find that someone(or something). Excuse me if I'm wrong.

[Gabby Nieves]

You're absolutely right, the truth behind this poem is actually scary for me to accept. But, writing it all down is my outlet. No matter how many reasons I feel I have to do it, those very few reasons not to just out weigh everything. Thank you for your review and I hope you liked it

[joshua deathdealer]

This awesome.. A very painful write but you come back around to reason.. I like how the ending is open and not final, either way.

[Gabby Nieves]

definitely painful, I wish life wasn't always so iffy. Anyways, thank you, I appreciate the review c:

[joshua deathdealer]

It's a never ending cycle but it builds character. Your welcome.

[Gabby Nieves]

That is does, it's just such a viscous cycle and worse when you're alone. But I keep telling myself things could be worse, idk I'm rambling now lol. Sorry

[joshua deathdealer]

Just keep writing and take care.

[Damien Thibodeaux]

This is a very good write on a very tough subject. I was close with someone who made the other decision using the exact method you describe. You do a good job of portraying the thought's wrestling in the head of someone considering snuffing it. Should I or shouldn't I?

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you, and I'm very sorry for your loss. I know the feeling of losing someone to suicide and it isn't easy. Battling life is rough and it beats you up, I guess I'm still trying to learn how to manage without having to ruin some lives. :c

[Damien Thibodeaux]

I know. The ones left behind are the ones who suffer the most. Hang in there, kid.

[Orlando Wynn]

Moments of weakness? Or moments of sudden courage? What does it mean to truly give up? Or do most give in simply because its "now" and the timing is just perfect. Really powerful things here are, you want to go ahead and end it but picture you're family seeing themselves within the reflection of your blood.. you wonder if they'll ever forgive themselves. As dark as this is, its writing like this that sheds light on true humanity, low feelings of self worth that most people call "selfish" but it couldn't much farther than that. If tonight what the night....

[Andrew Perez]

Really nice and disturbing images. I especially love the reference to the narrator's parents near the end. Great job!

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you c: