Dirty Bathtub

Tonight is the night 

I'm going to do it 

I've got some pills in the closet 

Red, blue, pink, and clear ones 

I've got a sharp knife 

And skinny wrists 

Bruised skin 

Aching veins 

My mom got drunk tonight 

She's passed out on the couch 

She won't hear me, 

Even if I scream out loud 

Tonight is the night 

I've cleaned the tub 

Scrubbed the dirt away 

And filled it with hot water 

There's one small problem in the back of my mind 

I imagine their reflections in the dark red blood

If tonight is the night 

And my family is asleep, 

God doesn't seem to be listening 

And my bed is unmade 

Will they cry? 

No matter how hard I try 

The reflections won't go away 

This tub will never be clean 

And when they see me lying at the bottom 

It'll never be okay

Will they ever forgive themselves? 

Will they ever forget? 

I take off my clothes 

And slip into the tub 

I smell my moms perfume and 

See my dad's socks 

It's always easier within my thoughts 

If only tonight was the night...

Author's Note

I don't know guys.

Reviews

[Taiken]

This is one of your best works. The line "And my bed is unmade" made me think a lot. To me it seems like you were just looking for excuses not to do "it." Deep inside you don't want to end up in a dirty bathtub. You want to go fix your bed, and you want someone(or something) to convince you not to do it before you walk back to the bathroom. Out of all the lines in the whole poem, that line had the most hope. I hope you find that someone(or something). Excuse me if I'm wrong.

[Gabby Nieves]

You're absolutely right, the truth behind this poem is actually scary for me to accept. But, writing it all down is my outlet. No matter how many reasons I feel I have to do it, those very few reasons not to just out weigh everything. Thank you for your review and I hope you liked it

[Simon Welsh]

This is pretty good. Certainly left some thoughts in my mind. Nicely done.

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you Elliott

[George Peck]

another moving piece. I hope you decide to write a book, because I would love to buy it. I know this how you feel,life does get better. You are a great writer and probably have a great writing carer ahead of you. So things may seem dark now but once you get a little further a long you'll be good or even happy. Hey until then let everyone on here know how you feel and you'll see everyone here can relate and will try to cheer you up.

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you soo much

[TL Boehm]

This is a powerful piece. maybe because we immerse ourselves in all kinds of emotions as writers - so many of us explore the darker ink - of human existence and we are comfortable with it. Even if we wouldn't end ourselves - we write it. And that's okay. If we're 'talking' we're still breathing, and while we breathe we can impact change. Welcome to the war. I'm almost 50 and have been dealing with monsters since oh....age 10, 12? Maybe younger. Sometimes life absolutely sucks but there are so many beautiful moments waiting for your pen to define them - that is my thought, for whatever it is worth.

[Gabby Nieves]

Trust me it's worth much more than you know to read your words. Thank you for this, and you really give me hope in a better day. You're right, we seem to touch on the darker side of life (at least I do) and I can't say it's on purpose, that's what ends up on the paper when I'm done. But I do see the beauty that's so evidently surrounding us, so thank you for your wisdom. Always appreciated 😊

[Taylorgwebb]

A well done piece that allows the reader to empathize entirely with this oft-neglected perspective.

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you (:

[I Am Svetlana]

I've had ideas like this cross my mind during my bad days. Suicide is never the solution, though many try and often succeed. A friend of mine recently passed away a few months ago due to killing himself and my best friend was close to deciding to kill himself a couple years ago. I was the only one he actually had the conversation with over the phone. He didnt bother trusting anyone else with such a secret cause he knows they wouldn't understand. I love the powerful imagery and though process behind this. We always try to plan it just the right moment when all seems to fall away around us. But just know that everyone is alive for one reason or another, no one is completely worthless and that we all have to find our own source of happiness in order to keep us going!

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you for this, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while. It's tough and I do have thoughts like this more than anyone should and its terrible. But I'm learning to deal with things because i can't do that to my family. I'm so so sorry about your friend, I truly am. It makes me so sad because i know the feeling of worthlessness to that point. And I'm glad you could be there for your best friend, you're right everyone has a purpose here. Thank you again

[I Am Svetlana]

You're welcome :) and pardon my very late response to this! We all must find our own outlet to help us through our depression and anxiety. For me, I always read, draw or write. Anything creative that I can easily engage in and distract my mind. Reading always takes me to new and different places. I'm always here if ever you want or need someone to talk to. And today is the five month anniversary of my friends passing and I've been coping pretty well. I have my good days and bad days, but that's life. A rollarcoaster.

[A. Amos]

You know the art of controlling your reader's mind...I was lost and the way you mentioned parents stuff it made the read more emotional! You're good my friend so better keep creating the magic, stay away from knife, pills and tubs.

[Gabby Nieves]

Ha that's the plan, thank you so much c:

[A. Amos]

You're most welcome...

[Jake Donald Stephens]

"Now I feel like killing myself, but luckily I'm too depressed to bother." --Christian Slater, Pump Up The Volume.

I've tried a couple of times. Ultimately, it's each person's decision whether to keep playing the game or not. Is it selfish? I really don't know. I find it too hard to blame anybody who doesn't want to be in this world.
I don't think it's a waste of time to care, though. What else are we here to do?

[Gabby Nieves]

I've thought of it both ways, like would it be selfish of me, or selfish of them for wanting me to stay when I don't want to? I'm not sure because sometimes I change the way I feel about things and I don't know. Maybe it's that we care a lot and too deeply or just not enough sometimes. I've been to therapy and even to the hospital for this kind of situation when I was a little younger and the most help I ever got was through writing. Never the medication or stupid doctors.

[Gabby Nieves]

And every peice of writing is something left behind

[Jake Donald Stephens]

Cliff represents that side of me, and that stage of my life. It was a really therapeutic book to write. Even if everybody doesn't get it. :)

[Persona]

Is the persona going to commit suicide via pills or drowning or a knife?

[Gabby Nieves]

Well it's really more about the contemplation of suicide and how there's many ways you could go about it, and in the end they realize they can't because it'll be too hard on their loved ones.

[Persona]

Right, I'm not getting that they decide not to do it.

[Gabby Nieves]

oh, well it's the last two lines "It's always easier within my thoughts, If tonight was the night" so the if part was like if only... Any advice to make it more clear?

[Persona]

Maybe, seeing the socks and then the next line is like 'it seemed easier, yet slicing seemed too brutal. What child would she be if she left the world like this?'

[Thea]

That was powerful yet at the same time, poignant. Life can be really cruel and having thoughts like this, for me, is just normal. Emotions can easily manipulate people. But we have to battle with it. The poem was painful. I enjoyed it, anyway. A great piece of work. Keep writing. ^^

[Gabby Nieves]

Thank you so much and everything you're saying is very true.