When giving up is the only way Part 6

Every time I visited her, I kept it relatively short and casual. She made every effort to let me feel welcome. But there was something hanging over us.

And then suddenly it started again. No answer, no time, whatever. Her mood was up and down. I was upset with myself not to have used the rare occasions to get her to talk and sort through the issues. 

At the same time I became friends with a lady, named Sarah, who is much like Anne. I didn't want her near me as she reminded me to much of Anne. I couldn't get rid of her.. in a good way.  When I saw her somewhere she would come straight over and hug me as if I'm her only friend in the whole wide world. She even is 16 years older then me, exactly like Anne. We started walking together regularly. She told me about her struggle with depression and mental illness. I never understood how people can't be able to express themself or deal directly with their problems. She explained so much to me. How do they end up in this dark world? How people are unable to speak out of fear to loose someone again and so on. I never told her Anne's name, just our story. 

It was an eye opener to learn what's going on, when you are living in a stage like that. When I after our talks would write to Anne, she would answer straight back. I began to understand. I also felt like a failure and downcast that my ignorance had caused Anne pain. 

Sarah found a way out of her struggles by meeting my dad. It was wonderful to hear, that people can be free from that. 

Levi and I went now and then to Anne's place to talk to her husband, who became somehow a friend to Levi. We had lots of fun there, every time she wasn't around. If she was home, it was just awkward. I didn't even know what to say. I didn't want to say anything wrong to not upset her. I'm probably just not the right person to be close to her. 

During the whole 2 years, two of our friends became closer and closer. Cathy would be always there, when I felt down. I would find flowers and little present at my door. I so needed that. She would call often and we would meet for sport and crafts. She even came and did stuff with my kids, so I could sleep. And the others are a beautiful married couple. They would be always there for us. We go fishing, riding, branding and whatever you can think of. My kids spent days at their house and they introduced us to anyone with rank and name in town, even the premier. There I would forget my troubles with Anne at least for a short time. 

But I missed Anne any other day. I thought 'I had found an intimate friend, a kindred spirit to whom I can confide my inmost soul'. I had told her so much of myself. And I struggled with not being able to express my feelings directly to her, because she wouldn't let me. I also wasn't sure if she would understand how much she hurt me with that. 

Why did I feel this love for her? What did she feel? Why did I become so attached to someone, who didn't want me in her life?

She had blocked me of her Facebook page too, which was somehow I great relief, so I didn't worry to much about what was going on in her life. But friends, who were still on her friends list would ring me and tell me what she just posted and made fun of her. I told them that I'm not interested in gossip and even when she doesn't want me in her life, I will not talk bad about her. They never rang again...

I started thinking life goes on. Maybe Anne was right and I don't know anything about her. Maybe I just imagined all the good I saw in her. I didn't want her labeled as mentally ill or whatever. She had reasons to be a certain way, but still I didn't want to be at the receiving end.

I also thought honestly what I would loose in letting go of Anne emotionally. She was a friend for the first few month but soon after she was anything but that. I saw that she was the only one loosing, not me. She would loose someone honestly caring for her. I couldn't carry this emotional burden anymore. But I also wanted to keep the promise, I gave her when we met.

I understood that I don't need her to be happy, because happiness is in us, no one can give it to us. And we don't need anyone to be happy.

I also belief that there are more then one soulmate for every single one of us. And maybe she wasn't mine after all. 

But then I read somewhere that soul mate relationships seem so meant to be that it is hard to imagine ever not knowing that person once you do. And I know I will never forget Anne ever.