When giving up is the only way Part 5

Still sometimes I would say Anne's name in conversations I had with Levi and he noticed how much I was still hurting and how much I missed her.  So he decided to see her at a motocross race to tell her that. I went with him. I saw her straight away on the other side of the race track taking pictures of her son. I had to pull my glasses out, to hid at least a little. I didn't know how she felt that day and if she would blow up on us in public. She saw us, stopped, contained herself and came slowly over. I just wanted to hug her and tell her how much she means to me. But instead I turned away. Levi then left and talked with her in a distance. I could see how tide she was and how she struggled to keep her posture. My tears started flowing and I just wanted to run. Then I saw Levi hugging her and she really hugged him back. He told me that she wanted to scream at him first at him but understood finally that we really care for her and love her. Not that she ever said it. But she said that she can't forget us either.

I was so proud of my husband, he has such a big heart and always is there for me and helping me fight my battles. He said he feels so sorry for her not being able to forgive and let go. He also assured me that she is special and what I saw in her is right, she is just a 'good hidder' he said.  
So I started writing little messages to her, also songs that expressed my feelings. I had send little gifts to her too. Every time I went somewhere, I would find something that when I was holding it in my hand, I thought 'that would make her smile'. But this time it didn't crush me when she didn't answer. I imagined her not being able to say what she feels out of fear that someone could use it one day against her. It was just okay. And I knew in my heart that she understands on a soul level.

Then suddenly, I didn't even expect it, she wrote something back. Just a small thank you or little note. I thanked God every time for it. And then one day she sent me a song Tina Turner and Eros Ramazotti, and I thought maybe just maybe everyone is wrong and she can forgive, maybe just maybe she can finally see that I was honest the whole time. And maybe that was a little step to express something she felt without using words-her words. It meant so much to me.

One day she ask me over for coffee. I wasn't sure and took my kids. I remember her opening the door and for a split second she looked very grim and then she smiled. We talked and talked and I forgot the time completely. I just wanted to look at her the whole time. She was insecure but wanted to please, in a strange way, it felt like the first day a year ago at her place. When we got to my car. I just had to hug her and I whispered that I had missed her so, so much. She probably didn't expect that and whispered in a hushed tone "then please don't hurt me again" back. 

I turned away and drove off. I would never want to hurt her ever and I never wanted too in the first place. 

So I invited her to a concert and she said yes, straight away. I wasn't sure if she really wanted to come or if her mood would change or whatever. Another friend had asked me before if i would come with her and I said yes too, but preparing her that someone else might come as well. 

I didn't believe it, until Anne sat in my car that day. She opened the door and for a split second again she gave me this cold glance and then she smiled. It was as if she would have liked to look mean but couldn't keep it up. My heart was jumping up and down. It was a good concert and we went for a drink to a bar after. I couldn't believe that would ever happen again. And she even was like I remembered her, just funny, loving, beautiful and a little sad. I wanted to hug her and never let go. That would have been a quite comical sight, two married women, a little drunk, just hugging in the local pub.  When we drove home and I dropped her of, I had to ask her. "Do you forgive me?" She turned around hugged me and said 'yes' and that she hopes I can forgive her too. She never wanted to say this mean word to me. I didn't expect that at all and stumbled that I had forgiven her long, long time ago. She smiled and left.

I went home and told Levi everything. I couldn't sleep at all. Tears were flowing freely. 

Levi said again 'you were right, trust in your instincts'. We again, like so many times before, prayed for her and her family, for her marriage.

I met her the next day at the local shopping centre. She just came out and saw us straight away. Anne looked so happy, stunningly beautiful, joyful and buoyant, which only forgiveness can do. I hadn't seen her like that for almost a year. When she looked at me I had to keep my head down, out of fear she would see my tears. I was so happy for her.. and for myself.

When she left I weeped for joy and Levi hugged me, smiled and said 'she was sure happy to see you'. 

From then on it seems to getting back to normal. I visited her more often and she cared for so many details, when I came that I had the feeling, she didn't want me to leave. 

But we never talked about anything what was going on before.  I wasn't able to explain my side. Is it possible to just pretend nothing ever happened. How can she truly forgive me, when she doesn't know why I did the things I did?

How can that ever work out?