When giving up is the only way Part 4

Having the lamas at my friends place was a hugh relieve but shortly after I realised how much it must have hurt Anne. I knew she hated that woman deeply and I never even thought about that. Selfishness, i would call it. I felt so sorry for doing it.

I apologized to Anne in a letter straight away. But there was no way. When she hates someone, i was told, than it is forever. Forever is a long time. I didn't believe that. I knew what I saw in her. For me she was the most gentle and honest person I ever met. Scarred to death that I was causing her bitterness and hatred again, i made a video for her, so that she would know how much she means to me. I watched one of the videos she had made after our trip to get the lamas. I never listened to the lyrics before and it was like a sword cutting through my heart. She used Susan Boyles "wild horses". Anne must have hated me then already. Why didn't she say anything? Why didn't she speak up and tell me that I hurt her? And how I hurt her? Why didn't I see it.

Suddenly I had this strong feeling that one person I don't want to miss in eternity, is Anne. So I wrote another letter asking her to make sure that she is saved by our awesome Lord Jesus Christ. I was worried that her bitterness and unforgiveness would keep her out. 

Her answer was full of hate and despise. It shook me to my core. Levi read it too. He became very angry and didn't want me to even mention her name ever again.  

Month went by. 

Every morning and every night I prayed for Anne. I fasted and cried. So many times I wished her to be here. When something happened, she was the first one I wanted to call or to take with me or just to share. I missed her every single day.

Some of our friends decided to go back to the country they were born in, the same country Anne came from. After their house was empty they staying with us for some weeks. Lots of people told us mean stories about them, but we saw to much evil and injustice in our life, that we not just believe what we get told. We wanted to find out ourselfs. And the first days we asked them all kind of questions about there believes and plans. We also googled them together and they showed us exactly what party they belonged too and why they left and so on. By living together for a while, there is not much you can hid from each other and we learnt to love those two people dearly. They also gave us inside about the cultural background of their country. And that not many people have deep friendships, because you can't really trust anyone. Suddenly it made so much sense. It's a live and death situation there. They also saw a picture of Anne and  myself on an internet page and wanted to know if I knew her. I said yes. They told me some things, someone else told them, Anne had done. Ugly defamations against those two. I told them that I know her and she wouldn't do that. Also that I know, that she would fight like a tiger for someone, she thinks loves her and is close to her. And I knew she liked a girl vey much, which to that time was her friend. Anne was so hurt when the girl started ignoring her. I also said that I think Anne is easly to manipulate by someone like that. And that she sometimes reacts before thinking and later is not able to admit a mistake. It wasn't surprising to find out that the young girl, was the same one, who told my friends it wasn't her but Anne. It made me furious. Again Anne was the victim. I told my friends that I still love Anne deeply, even not knowing what is really going on. Our friends said they trust my judgement, it made also more sense to them. If Anne had just talked to them once and not just believed a liar...Anne still does not know that this girl, who is her 'friend' at least on the interent, is the same that rips her reputation apart, whenever she can. I felt going to Anne, shake her and make her see the truth. But would it hurt her again and again to see that the people she trusts are not worth it?

I was struggling over month to get Anne talking to me. It hurt me so deeply, not being able to tell her all i know, to protect her from all the 'mean' people. 

I tried to make more friends but seem not to find the perfect one. Some would love arts but would be scarred of lamas. Some would like lamas but not my music. Some didn't understand me at all.  And Levi didn't like most of them. 

I also started reflecting, what part of the whole mess i should own up too.

First I saw Anne always as a victim, but she is not. I spoke to my aunt, who is very close to me and took over a mother role in my life.

I didn't have a nice childhood but learnt to be responsible for my mistakes. My wise aunt said, in making Anne a victim, I took parts of her integrity away. I also saw how I tried to manipulate her in certain reactions, which I didn't do knowingly but I still did. I also demanded attention from her, which I shouldn't need. So I asked Dad, why I felt that way. Why I thought I need her. He walked me through some painful situations and explained to me that no human can fill those needs, just he can do that. It made me happy and peaceful to realize that I had already all I needed. Best dad every!