I Am A Widow Of War And Wear The Same Colors As The Purple Heart

I Am A Widow Of War And Wear The Same Colors As The Purple Heart

By Glenda M. Carter

Published in The Record-Courier on November 9, 2006

 

     It was two years ago this month that my book, "Sacred Shadow, Sacred Ground: A Vietnam War Widow's Journey Through Unresolved Grief" was printed and for the first time placed in my hands as a completed published work.

     I have been asked many times by interested people, "What will you do now? Will you write more?" My personal struggle with 'relunctance to share' found resolve, today.

     Veterans Day brings a time for reflection.

     I am a Widow of War and it is with the spirit of my personal life journey of recovery that I wish to share the following journal entry.

Saturday, November 4, 2006

     It is a perfectly beautiful day with the  morning sun shining through my living room window. The temperature has risen to 55 degrees and the sky is mostly clear, mostly blue. And here I sit in my house trying to figure out what to do, how to fight off melancholy; move forward, and not retreat into the familiar zones of depression.

     I think about calling a new friend and asking if she might want to go for a walk. I think about calling an old friend and admitting that life is still often (much too often)  a struggle. I think about calling my cousin who  lost his son in the Afghanistan war. I think about starting my painting project in the kitchen. That's the problem. I think about it.

     My niece and nephews are at a karate tournament and doing what life calls them to do. My folks are showing their house and contemplating a move, and here I sit. I think about driving to my hometown to visit my father's grave or to Enterprise to visit Bruce's grave. I think about photographing, drawing, or going for a walk.

     I've managed to get up, fix myself a healthy breakfast of oatmeal with cinnamon as the Dr. recently suggested. Healthy except for the extra cup of coffee that I feel I need this morning while I contemplate what to do with my day, my time, my life.

     Pen and paper seem to be the only tool of salvation right now.

     I feel discouraged that life just doesn't miraculously move happily onward like we were taught in the 50's to expect. But it does move on. I'm not sure which choices to make. Sometimes revisiting the past helps me to move forward and sometimes the new challenge of the day helps me to move forward.

     I want to contact friends but know that it will only distract me for a little while. I will return to this place and I would have just prolonged this moment and distracted myself from God knows whatever it is that I should be doing.

     The life I am experiencing resembles the 20's and 30's of a lifetime when we are supposed to figure out what we believe, who we are, what we want to spend our life energy doing. But my past is still intertwined with my present and together they will determine my future.

     I only hope that I am honest enough with myself to make the choices that will make me the person of integrity that I wish to be. The person who will cherish and utilize the gift of life.

     My new choices include no longer being codependent or using unhealthy ways to numb out life. To make these new choices I'm using my brain whose chemistry has been out of whack for decades and a repaired inner compass that sometimes sticks in one direction and needs a tap or two to loosen its arrow. I enter a lot of unfamiliar territory in life events. What some people take for granted are challenges for me.

     My life is a vessle that is acquiring strength and substance but still thinks it is fragile.

     And people? Other people? I only let you in so far. Then I retreat, put up blockades, disappear into the cave because letting you into my life means pain, it means you will go away.

     So while in the cave I search for the peace that momentarily evades me...and I pray.

     The honesty of my heart makes it impossible for me to dwell in peace unless I am willing to share it's truth.

     Today's melancholy ties in with last weeks experiences. I traced it's beginning. I unexpectedly received the complimentary copy of the Vietnam Veterans Magazine which has a short piece about my book. It triggered my discontented stormy thoughts.

     Being a Widow of War is just not a very popular thing to be. It is not a title that anyone I know strives to hold, If truth be told many Veterans themselves abhor the thought of a widow of war. It brings up issues and feelings. This is not a part of my identity that I long for, but it is a part of who I am. I've learned that closing that part off does not make me a healthy person. I've learned that opening up and sharing that part of myself is not a popular stance. Yet, it is what has helped to format my life. It will not disappear. Many times I've wanted to shout out, I AM A WIDOW OF WAR! I even bought a T-shirt that says, "Vietnam, Widow of War," that I wore to the Gold Star Wives Convention last July. Why would I want to bring attention to the fact that I am a widow of war?  Because, by taking ownership of who I am means that I can move forward. Hiding, immobilizes me.

     Taking ownership means exposing a delicate part of my being and letting go of my preconceived fear of rejection and judgmental non-acceptance that comes from lack of understanding. I've experience people turning away, tearing up, and listened to the thoughtless words of people who continue to try to justify war and who think PTSD is just some kind of excuse for weakness.

     I also know that there are people who truly understand because as human beings we all have our own Vietnam and 9-11 experiences.

     For now, I will continue to reprogram my brain and to change unhealthy thought patterns. I continue to deal with my PTSD and depression issues though they are less severe. I struggle to stay in the present, and deal with life honestly, openly and directly. I work to let go of my fear of abandonment, and rejection. I strive to believe, really believe that acceptance does not mean defeat. Acceptance makes it possible to move forward.

     I cherish those who enter my life who dare to be real and I strive to be like you.

     And most of all I spend time developing my relationship with God, because I  know that God is the only relationship that lasts forever.

     So this Veteran's day you may see me wandering about wearing my gold and purple T-shirt, that says, Vietnam Widow of War. It's the one that I had hidden away under everything else in the bottom drawer of my dresser, until today. Today I choose to take another step forward in my life journey toward inner peace. And did you know that Widows of War wear the same colors as the Purple Heart?

Copies of "Sacred Shadow Sacred Ground" can be purchased through http://www.tworainbowspublishing.com. Credit card and phone orders can be made through Betty's Books, 1.888.202.6657.

 

 

 

Reviews

[THERISA]

Opening up like this takes a lot of courage and inner stength. I know, i am struggle to find a place for my own ghost which haunt me. From PTSD, anxiety/panic attacks to depression. Been through numbrous hours of counselling, yet these demons still haunt me. Talking and writing about these experiences are a very powerful way of excising your demons. Thank you for sharing this very personal and emotional article that you wrote.

Therisa

[Melanie Jane Boicourt S..]

Very nice. Thank you for sharing such an intimate part of you. I am sure that there are many people out ther that can relate to your story. Even more now unfortunately.
Love All, Mejasha

[Karen Raquepo]

This is very touching story.God bless you!

[Micheal Teal]

Breathtakingly Honest! I wish you well on your journey to find inner peace. Your words have touched my soul and my thoughts and prayers are with you. I honour who you are and respect your journey. Those who are not defined by their struggles but inspired by them will be guided to enlightenment. Thank you for sharing something so personal. You have peace in your heart and sunshine in your spirit and that is something to be proud of.

[Vanessa Whiteley]

This is an incredibly strong write. You express your emotions and loss very well. I think America was wrong to go into Vietnam and I am also very much against the war and occupation of Iraq. I, also, think the loss of young soldiers lives is tragic and you make clear in this account the devastation it causes for the future of those left behind.