In Old Mexico

Also Known As: The Skit They Would Stone Me For

The scene takes place at the Mexican Border. A flat meant to resemble the Berline Wall is in the center of the stage with a BORDER GUARD dressed in Communist regalia at the only "gate" in the flat. There are several people in line... including several Mexicans in sombreros and an AMERICAN TOURIST, wearing an extremely large-but-not-quite-large-enough white collared shirt and a raccoon skin hat.

[In Background]
COMMIE:
Papers, please! Do you have a green card?

*ad lib*

[Foreground]

A newcaster with microphone is talking into the camera:

NEWSCASTER:

Things are proceeding as planned here at the Mexo-American border. We haven't seen so many Mexicans trying to get over a wall in Texas since the siege at the Alamo... According to Uber-Sergeant Wiesler, there have been no reports of illegal immigrants crossing the border since the erection *suppresses a giggle* of this wall. It seems to be more effective at keeping the Mexicans out than the Alamo... God rest David Bowie's soul... I mean... Jimmy Dean! No, Jim Bowie and Davy Crockett!!! Motherf-*throws microphone down, which feedbacks - it is obvious that more has been said - it is just unable to be picked up*

*Newscaster exits angrily*

UBER-SERGEANT WIESLER: (In German accent to a Mexican trying to cross the border)
Do you speak English?

Mexican 1: (after a pause)
...No habla Espanol...!

[USW lets him pass]

UBER-SERGEANT WIESLER: (looking serious, dramatically)

Are YOU an illegal immigrant?!?

Mexican 2: (while making motions with his hands)
No... I am Indian... I am here to drive cab!

UBER-SERGEANT WIESLER:
I thought your kind was more into casinos than cab driving... still, to each his own... Nobody from my family ever thought I would be a jack-booted enforcer of a tyrannical regime, but just look at me now! At the boots! Look at how shiny they are! And how much noise they make! *performs a little jig*

*coughs* Um... you can go now.

WIESLER:
Passport, please!

AMERICAN 1: (obviously southern)
Here ya go!

WIESLER:
May I please see your green card?

AMERICAN:
But... I was born in America... I don't... need a green card!

WIESLER:
Your silly outfit does not fool me! I know you have at least three of your friends in that rediculous constume with you, at least two of which are named Jose! I want to see your green card!

AMERICAN: But you can see my trailor from here *points!* My sister's out on the porch with our two kids, Lynard Skynard and Jethro Tull!

In the background, Mexican 2 sneaks around behind Wiesler to a secret door in the gate, while Mexican 1 walks around to the front of the action...

WIESLER tases the American. It's an inspirational moment. Really. Totally life-changing.

MEXICAN 2:
You got served, hombre!

Shortly after this line, Wiesler turns around and sees the Mexicans crossing the wall.

WIESLER:
What is going on here?!?

MEXICAN 1 (holding a pinata):
Um... Chinese New Year?!?

WIESLER:
Carry on!

ALL MEXICANS (running joyously):
Ole!!!

Skit End.

Author's Note

The original idea of this skit was thought up in one of the ASG Drama Troupe's first meetings - I came up with the "Indian" pun at that point - and people thought it was funny.

The call came out for skits, and I submitted this one, along with "Heart of..." It was performed as part of "What's With This Handbasket? (And Where Are We Going?)"

The title comes from a Tom Lehrer song of the same name - though that's the only similarity between the two.

This is the version of the skit that was actually performed - the original was very slightly different, and, in this case, I felt that the changes made significantly improved the work as a whole, so... they stay in :D

Original Cast:
Newscaster: Katey Perkins
Uber-Sergeant Wiesler: Lill Crouse
Mexican 1: Charlie Bradley
Mexican 2: Shaun Tipton
Various and Sundry Mexicans: Amanda McIntire, Josh Wilkerson, Ross Glandon