Heart of Giant Unicorns and Fluffy Pink Clouds

Also known as: The Job Interview Skit

The scene opens with ONE PERSON seated in front of a desk, with ANOTHER PERSON seated behind it. The situation is an interview for a potential candidate for a job...

CANDIDATE:
So... previous job experience? I totally worked at a furniture store for a while over the summer... My first day there, I had to go to the bathroom really bad...but the bathroom smelled like chlorine, and the toilet was stopped up... so I just decided to wait until I got home... then I had some Hawaiiain Punch and some Goldfish... I really like to imagine the Goldfish wallowing in a sea of blood when I snack... anyway, though - this one guy bought a sectional that day, and we had to help him lift the thing into the back of his minivan... but I still really had to go to the bathroom... so... ehh...

I hope he never looked under that cushion...

INTERVIEWER:
Okay... so why exactly do you want this job?

CANDIDATE:
Well, I mean, my aunt found the job for me. She really wants me to get out of the house... I mean, the bag's loaded, so it's not like she needs any more money... I think she just got tired of me crashing on her couch eating Spaghetti-O's... I ruined three microwaves this summer from overuse...

[After seeing the look on the INTERVIEWER's face]

Oh, you mean you wanted me to lie about it!

INTERVIEWER:
Well, a small show of enthusiasm would be nice...

CANDIDATE:
I mean, I went to daycare here as a kid... so it's almost like going full circle *while making wild hand gestures vaguely remicient of THE LION KING* for me to come back here... I can't really say that I'm "good" with little kids, or that I really like them all that much, I mean - that'd make me sound like a pedophile, wouldn't it? My main problem with kids is, when I tell them not to eat glue, I expect them to not eat glue... it's not a hard concept... until the glue dries...

Anyway, though - why do kids eat glue in the first place? Is it the same reason bored middle schoolers snort glue? If they can get high eating glue, then couldn't some venture-capitalist drug dealer come up with some sort of glue cookie? I mean - it actually might be better for your insides than eating straight-up glue, and surely it'd be more convenient than snorting it and gluing all your nose hairs together and obscuring your sense of smell...

I couldn't do it, though - after all, that would be hypocritical of me... I can't tell the kids not to eat glue, and then try to sell them a glue cookie... it just doesn't seem right...

INTERVIEWER:
[There are no words to describe the look on the INTERVIEWER's face. A mixture of shock, awe, and revulsion should get you pretty close, though]

CANDIDATE:

So... do I get the job? Do you have any more... questions for me...?

INTERVIEWER:

There's really only one question left: Can you drive the van for the field trips we like to go on?

CANDIDATE:

You mean the sickly yellow whale?!? The monster that smells of melted crayons and dried vomit?!? You're still driving /that thing/ on the field trips?

INTERVIEWER:

Oh, no... you are! Why do you think we're hiring? I can't look at a coloring book without my gag reflex activating anymore...

CANDIDATE:

So you mean I got the job?!?

INTERVIEWER: *extremely shocked*

Actually... yes... you were the only applicant... Well, a Mr. Jackson applied as well, but had to drop out when one of the kids pulled off his nose and used it to decorate his sand castle on the playground...

Skit End

Author's Note

This started out as a parody of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness, but, when the Drama Troupe this year sent out the call for skits, I revised it, converted into use for the theater, and submitted it.

This was performed by Tennessee Tech's ASG Drama Troupe as part of "What's With This Handbasket? (And Where Are We Going)"

This is also the first skit I've ever written... :D

The line about previous job experience came from a conversation I had on MSN with Alina X. In that context, it was an excerpt from "The Least Interesting Blog of All Time" which she called one of the greatest blog entries ever. I couldn't... let the joke die there... XD

This is dedicated to the people who sat in my general vicinity during Dr. Van's AP English class last year (2007-2008), for listening to and laughing at my "well-timed yet horribly inappropriate comments" as well as being the sound boards for my ideas about the Heart of Darkness parody. The title of this piece, as well, came from that group's collective - I'm not sure who said it first and what I changed about it... :)

This version of the skit is the original, almost word-for-word as I first typed it. It was performed slightly differently, but those differences were caused by logistical complications and someone missing his lines, rather than conscious decisions made by the group as a whole.

Original Cast:
The Interviewer: Lill Crouse
The Candidate: Jarrad Baker