Ever

Taking things out and putting them away...

How could I have ever known?

Was always that way

The interstate, the shrubs to sleep behind, the bridges had shelves

Bird s**t smelled so sour

My age left me if it ever was

So proud a fool as there ever could

Grew fast, aged quick looked near twenty now but still a child

Amazement such a frustrating thing

Brings wonder kills faith in reality

To the observer appeared quite the scene

A young man twenty, still is and acts only fifteen

My dreams of love were the worst of all

I laugh now but thought every flirt or kiss was love

Never knew a game was played and a dance was a dance

Dance and walk away.

Saw death there, not pleasant, saw other things

Expectations failed me in every way

Was almost raped by a few men, I fought and won

But the woman surprised me.

Do they really do that? too???

At first I worked only with a pride I made up

Later on I gave up with another pride I made up peircing my flesh with poisons, taunting fate and flirting death

Who crushed me the most?

Was I (I admit), my memories would stand strong over me

Ashamed of my ignorance beyond my strengths

I built a man from what was left

He fought and fought like the ends of spite.

Never became mean, surprised me too...

Didn’t have to, there were enough to fight around me for 100 men

 

Somewhere along the way I lost myself again.

It was my children that decided I was a dad. It was not me.

Beginning to father I made every mistake

My children made none, they knew what they were

They were children and so good at being them

It was I who needed guidance, the taught me well

 

I'm still a fighter just not as many fights left

Quit all my drugs many years ago worried I'd be alone without them

I tried to grow up on nothing and failed every step

Learned only one lesson in my life and still not good at it.

I learned to be a father of sorts of some kind.

No report cards or comparisons "Thank God for that"

 

Wish I could learn more or undo how I lived

but to risk it and not have them, I'll stay where I'm at My eldest son died on me but he left me some toast, basic food of encouragement that will feed even the poorest of man.

I miss him so much and love him so hard I can't say. He was my first real guidance in this life. I can't write more on him.

 

Why did I write this?

Author's Note

This is pretty much true except I omitted a great deal because it was difficult to look at.