LS Chapter1 - On a Mission to Say Goodbye

 I was watching my feet as they were pacing forward in a way that appeared a little too resolute to be mine. It almost looked like they were walking on their own. Such a clever pair of feet! The
y seemed to not even need my mind to take me to the right place. I giggled silently at the thought.

 In fact, I really wasn't the one in control of the situation, and, of course, nor did my legs have a mind of their own. There seemed to be something that kept wordlessly calling for me and luring me closer so I only followed that feeling just like a bloodhound instinctively follows its given scent; although, unlike a sniffer, I found it hard to cope with the case and take things as they come.

 Ever since the final decision was made to accompany Mr. Davies abroad for at least as long as his job contract would last,I practically refused to think about my situation anymore. I decided to simply let myself get swept away in the events, without any emotional involvement from my side. It wasn't because I stopped caring, as long as the question on weather my place was within the family or not kept persisting. It was just that, put face to face with the dilemma, I recoiled. Probably out of fear of being left to deal on my own, or maybe it was my shallow way of thinking the reason I couldn't see the tough challenges I would have eventually been forced to put up with, or, in the end, maybe it was just pure luck.

 Even as I look at it now in perspective it's hard for me to tell for sure what the real reason was.I just knew that if  let my feelings get out of control I would later regret it. I always did.So I consequently preferred sealing everything inside and I even talked myself into believing that the serene smiles I always displayed, the peaceful state of mind and benevolence all came naturally.It gave me a feeling of security and strength and I was pleased with it that way.

 "Maybe this isn't going to be so hard after all." I told myself as an encouragement.

 With that hope in mind I mechanically continued my way and before late I arrived on the familiar street where gray, old houses were orderly serried on each side of the lonesome street. There, my walk came to a stop.

 I could feel the scent of sweet flowers spreading out in the warm late spring air through the mountain breeze. The faint fragrance was pervading my nostrils in sweet flows spreading a reinvigorating  chill throughout my body. I had felt it many times before, but never as intense or as overwhelming.

 An odd mixture of emotions began unsettling my tranquility which had already hung by a thread.They awoke memories and sounds so full of life and clear imaged in my mind that made me feel like a spectator of a collage made of my own life moments. I then felt a series of eerie feelings in my stomach and tingling sensations all over my skin when my sight turned over to one of the houses just across the road. The little wooden windows, the roof's shingles partially torn by wind and rain, the two sweet cherry trees guarding the entrance into the narrow yard, the flowers, the attractive simplicity of the house;everything was vivid.They all seemed to have frozen in time.

 I slightly bit my lips and approached the gate. After unlocking it, I followed the beaten, paved path that led to the porch where I uneasily  unlocked the entrance door and carefully creaked it open. Peeking inside with the caution of a burglar, I entered the place that once used to be my home. Like someone reopening their long lost childhood diary, I nervously began scanning every corner of every room.

 The fusty kitchen cupboards no longer kept jars of marmalade or jam, but they were eaten by termites and housed spiderwebs.The dusty carpets had been partially eaten away by mice or moths and the stove and sink were clothed in red rust; I almost couldn't believe everything deteriorated so much, so fast. Then my eyes stopped upon the dishes which were still well organized in their support.

 I smiled as I reminisced, back then.

 " Please!"

 " No,sweetie! You'll get your pretty dress wet!"

 " Granny, please! I want to help you wash the dishes! Look! I'll put on this apron you made for me so my dress will stay dry! Pleeaaase?" I insisted focusing all my power of persuasion on her loving eyes.

 " Ha ha ha.Okay, then, okay. Here you go.Just don't get wet, understood?" she approved handing me a plate that I enthusiastically started rubbing." I'll go check if the desert is ready."

 "What? No! I want to check it!" I jumped towards the oven leaving the unfinished plate in the sink.

 " But I thought you wanted to wash the dishes?"

 " Yes! But I also want to help you with everything I can and I want you to teach me all you know!And you know why?"

 "Why?"

 " Because I want to be just like you when i grow up!" I giggled clinging tight to her arm.  

 " He he. I hope that won't happen." she knelled down next to me. "And you know why?"

 " Why?"

 " Because I want you to be a thousand times better!" she smiled hugging me closely." My little child..."

 I let out a sigh. If only she knew...

 I stepped out of the kitchen and passed through the corridor. The smell of damp and the sinister whistle of the wind were seizing my senses from every corner of the house. Stepping into the living-room, I found the old couch gnawed, tortured by time and the upper corners of the room spotted with mildew.The dusted shelves held discolored, old books that hadn't served anyone's curiosity since forgotten times; and only the spiderwebs seemed to empathize with them embracing and holding them all together.

 "...You think these books are for decoration?" She sarcastically asked.

"Maybe not, but they're too many! And they're so huge!I don't think that even you managed to read them all by now, Granny." I playfully replied.

"Oh, so their size scared you away, didn't it?" She smiled.

 "Mmm.. I am not scared!" I sulkily mumbled."But I would rather you told me stories every night in stead of having to read them." I smiled back nestling myself on her lap.

 "Aren't you a bit too easy-going?" She laughed sweetly, picking my chin playfully."What will happen when I won't be there anymore to tell you stories?" she said softening her voice."There are some stories one could never tell you because you'd never grasp it's meaning just by that.Some stories you have to feel on your own to fully understand. Because, you know...Books are just like people: each one has something important to say and each one holds a truth that waits to be unveiled. Remember that, my dear!And don't disappoint me."

 I sadly smiled to myself.

 Never once have I understood her entirely. Not even to this day have I comprehended how. How did she manage to always put a smile on my face and ease my thoughts of all worries; to always be there when I needed, to always love me like a mother would, to teach me everything that I know now; to enlighten even the most depressing of days with her joyful spirit; all because she wanted to. And I never did anything significant in return. Nor did I at least get the chance to thank her for all she had done.She simply left. And now even the house seemed to be suffering silently for her.

 With a dull ache beginning to spread throughout my chest, I continued my way towards the bedroom.The damaged door opened with a sharp creak as I entered the room where the most important events of my life took place.

 Everything was in order , just like they were before she left. The first thing that caught my sight was the big, oval mirror placed across the door's wall.It couldn't reflect my image anymore; time had taken its shine away and the thick layer of dust covering its surface seemed to be protecting memories and reflections of the past inside. There still were metal boxes filled with tiny nothings scattered across the black wooded table that held the heavy mirror; but I dared not touch any of them.

 Then, my sight stopped upon what once used to be my bed.The sun's razes were touching the deteriorated mattress just like it used to in the once sunny mornings, when, waking up, the first things I would see would be her bed, her face, and her smile; and then nothing else would have made my day happier. Impulsively, driven by an old reflex, I turned around to face the other bed.

 Cleanly covered with sheets shining brightly from the sun's razes, the bed imposed gravity and respect, but the depressing aura it held around itself, dispersed evenly in the whole room quickly seeped under my skin, directly into my soul. I felt my mind whirling of thoughts and flashing memory scenes colored in sepia were making me dizzy. The dull pain spreading throughout my chest then condensed into a single point like a needle pricking my heart that soon followed its way up into my throat seeking a way to release itself.

 I swallowed and swiftly shook off the strange feelings that once again started gaining control over me and bent down to reach underneath the bed. When I felt the touch of cold metal I pulled out a box that I afterwords carefully dusted and put in the backpack that I had carried along.

 I then got up and anxiously exited the room passing through the main corridor in a haste. As I made my way towards the door I glanced into each of the rooms once more.After all, this might me the last time I ever see this place, I thought.

 As I stepped out of the house, out of the narrow yard and closed every gate behind me; as I started to walk further away from the gray old house, I felt more and more miserable.I had no clear reason for feeling what I did.Only some of the diffuse concerns that preoccupied me,vague and almost senseless, were blending together and pointing at the new blame: I began believing that I now had the heart of a traitor.

 The  walk to the cemetery was long. Or was it? I didn't notice how time passed by or how the by-passers looked at me as I, deepened into my thoughts, wondered about what should happen . But there I was, now, glancing at her ever so sweet smile in the little picture held by the grave stone.

 "Hello, Grandma..." , I whispered knelling down. "I... brought you a flower.", I continued placing a white iris I had picked from the old house's garden on the cold stone. "...They don't look as beautiful now as they used to be. The garden's become a heath since no one's taken care of it ...I'm sorry about that.I know how much you loved those flowers."  

 I kept glancing at her picture quietly as if waiting to be reprimanded, but the silence deepened even more. Only the wind stroking through the leaves and some distant twitters echoed in a harmonious duet.

 "I just needed to talk to you for a bit before I left, Grandma, because ,you know, I might not be coming back here for a long time. I will miss you and our home.... " I continued as I looked down at my fingers playing in anxiety. "Though, you know, I don't think it would be right to say "goodbye"... How about coming with me? Will you? All the way on the other side of the world; how does it sound? We could discover an entire new place, and, even though you won't be there with me physically, you will be watching over, right? " I smiled playfully talking to her in the same tone in which I would cringe to her in my childhood."You promised..." I said almost whispering as I felt the suffocating node in my neck growing in a try to find a way out.
 
 I let out a deep sigh.

 "I'm sorry... I know you'd like to stay and talk some more... but I've got to go and get ready for my flight tomorrow..." I smiled once more as I found it harder and harder to find the right words. "...Have to let it all go now. Just like I promised... I love you." , I ended abruptly planting a soft kiss on my fingers and fondling her picture's frame.

 I then got up and left in a haste. Faster and faster, my pace transformed into a determined run.

 Everything around me grew indistinct, and there was nothing more in my little world, but me.I was running away, leaving all my past behind, and heading towards an uncertain future. But I felt relieved, and although I wasn't hoping for much , I was happy for this new chance, for the promise of a new future.

 Finally, I felt the happiness, I felt it clearly... how it rolled down my cheeks.

Author's Note

First chapter.... I know it's a bit too depressing... but believe me, the mood doesn't stay like that all throughout the plot. lol... that would be dumb.
Chapter two is also out, if you want you can go check it out. :)