My solution to broken heart...

As I reflect now that I'm older from when I originally wrote this, this does not always work. A broken heart from lust is not the same as a broken heart from love.

A few years back I was at the end of a long 6 yr relationship. In the beginning I was madly in love and steadily fell out of love. I felt like I was losing a battle that I could not even see let alone win. Finally the forth year I told her my love for her was gone. This is when she finally began trying to love me back. By then the damage was done and I could not love I was cold. The fear of being alone kept me ignoring the truth fro many years. The fear of not having that one "special" friend made my life unstable for far to long.

   

So one day after spending the night at her house, I felt more distant then ever. She began to cry telling me she didn't want to lose me. I told her the many things that went wrong. I told her about the many times she let others come between us, specially other men. She would look at me silently and the look down as if ashamed. I felt too many things were left unsaid. I felt she had been unfaithful many times. All along I stayed honest and real with her, so it just hurt more. And all she could do was look down at the ground with no response.

I know what I am about to say now might seem cold and mean, but this is the truth and I am leaving out many things she put me through. I would have done anything for her, she broke me down...

So I told her to drop me off at my house. The ride was very silent and I was cold inside. When she came up to a stoplight. I opened the door to the car and started walking away. As I heard her screaming behind me I picked up my step and disappeared into the streets.

 

    The next few weeks the temptation of her touch kept me out of focus. I was frustrated by the fact that I did not like being alone. So, I came up with a youth minded remedy. I decided to smoke as much weed as I could for next few months. After doing this I disconnected my phone and started working harder. I focused on myself. I then realized I should have done this long ago. Within a month I was mentally secure with myself. I felt more complete and a lot of the pain was gone. I don't agree that it was a good solution to push and cover all your pains with smoke. In my case it truly became a remedy that I badly needed. I know now this will not always work, but it did then. 

 

Everyone has different ways of dealing with pain, back in 2002 this was mine.

-Sansee 12/31/12

Reviews

[Kevin Vorshak]

Hello Santos,

I'm not sure of the purpose of writing this, but if it is for publication than I would suggest revising. There are a number of misspelled words (begginning, forth instead of fourth, etc...). Also, many of the sentences are, to me, a bit too passive (too many was and were's).

If this is a more personal writing, then I wouldn't worry about it. As far as your content and the means of getting through your pain, I did it too. It's been, though, many years. I'm glad to see things are working out for you.

[darkgurl]

I think this is well written, and well said the point is made, well done.....Kim

[Cece]

i neva look to grammar problems
i look to content past or present tense passive hell
i do not care does it flow does involve feelings

you provokes thought what is love
did i really know love or a fear of being alone
so i'm committed in a relationship less than stellar

ooopps now i have met one now that i fear
that i can never live without but no relationship has developed
i am to remain true to that one that has remained true to me

but now i ache for the one that i can not live without
but this one is so much younger than me
and i know this can never be i ache for this one

this one knows not my desires i cannot express my hearts desire
but watch the loves come and go in their life and i ache
i feel joy but also sadness in their gain of a love

i am but just outer circle of this looking in i feel their happiness
with their loves and sadness when their loves fail
i know i could be their final love and devoted totally to their happiness

but this truly can never be if i could only remove myself from this body
and transpose myself into a body of this one present love
they would know such happiness they would feel and my happiness too

yes i wrote this third and first person minus any gender
i know many feel this so writing to cover all the heartache
i want everyone to feel my pain it is to endure forever