Why I'll never date a polyamorous cis man again

(True events, all names have been changed)

Liam teaches vulva appreciation workshops to people with vulvas, he proudly tells me as we stroll along The Thames with a picnic. I can't think of anything worse than him mansplaining how to love a piece of my own anatomy to me. He tells me that him and his girlfriend are both attempting to date the same woman, but he can get in their faster, seeing this woman more often because he works less hours. They seem to be competing with each other which I find unsettling. 'My ex had a borderline personality disorder' he tells me that he was the victim of her outrages. He asks me if I want to go back to his place. I make an excuse. I tell him afterwards that I'm not comfortable to see him again as I don't date men who make out their exes are crazy. He apologises but the damage is done.

'I don't mean to brag, but I have two partners and now I have you, so I'm doing fine'. You are bragging though aren't you Mike. And you don't have me, its just date three.

'Do you have an art?' Kyle asks in the dark as we girate to techno music. Ugh, another self proclaimed artist, I eyeroll internally, although I suppose it's more interesting than asking me what I do for a living. I still end up kissing him on the dancefloor. 'Do you want to go upstairs?' (to the playroom) he asks in a seductive tone that I find a bit creepy, with no discussion of what the boundaries would be. It's pretty clear he doesn't have any. 'No I'm good, I'm going home soon', I reply, 'but you can have my number'. He texts me immediately to send me poetry about how breathtaking it was to dance with me and starts sending me selfies the next day. I cringe but still reply. OK maybe Americans come on strong and like to send selfies to people they aren't dating yet? I take a deep breath. Don't rule him out, I tell myself. I know I'm easily irritated by men and everyone has irritating things about them so I tell myself that I'll have to learn to tolerate irritation if I want relationships. Giving up entirely on dating cis men hasn't crossed my mind yet, even though I'm bisexual and have options. 

We're eating jerk chicken in Brixton while Jamie lets me know that he finally let his partner f**k him in the a*s with a strap-on the other day after a year of her pushing for it. It was pretty intense apparently. It's not only his information to share, but he's not concerned about her privacy.

Kyle asks me if I would like to see him the next day. I'm not sure why but I agree even though his selfie sending has already made me think he likes his own face a bit too much. The first thing he tells me about himself upon meeting in the daylight is that he is 'unhinged'. It makes my stomach flip. Well I don't want to date someone unhinged I think to myself, but maybe he's exaggerating for amusement? It turns out he wasn't. We're walking to the pub while Kyle brags about how many people of all genders hit on him regularly, but how they didn't have enough banter to impress him. He's a sapiosexual you see (a pretentious wanker), so he'll only get turned on by the highest quality intellectual banter. It seems like he's trying to let me know that he is in demand. He reassures me that I did have enough banter for him to be interested in me (want to f**k me in the playroom). Well done me. He proceeds to tell me how he can last a long time in the sack because a woman once taught him that sex is like climbing half way up a mountain and having a little nap, instead of racing to get to the top. I guess he wants me to know that I'm in for a treat. He lets me know that The Ethical S**t is the best book on polyamory. I think it's Polysecure actually but I stay quiet because he appears to be in mansplaining mode and I've submitted into allowing this to happen lately without realising. This isn't a dialogue it's a monologue and he's been poly longer than me so he thinks he has wisdom to deliver.

'I've not been in the mood the last few days..... but sex with you is so hot' he says three months later. Compared to all the other people you're f*****g who aren't so great? I remember thinking. A part of me wanted to push him off me, tell him that comparisons aren't OK, even when I'm being flattered. But I numb it out again and keep quiet. He leaves after sex at night to go back to his nesting partner. I have no clue what he tells her about our 'dates' or if they get off on it. 

'Just block him'. My girlfriends are close to staging an intervention. 'This guy is just shagging you and leaving and making no effort to plan dates. He's not called you once. You deserve better than this. One day someone will treat you right and you'll look back on this and see how you accepted breadcrumbs'. I know in my heart that they're right. My girlfriends are monogamous but they know that even for non-monogamous dating that I deserve better than this.

'You've lost a lot of weight is everything OK?' my own therapy clients are starting to notice that something is wrong.

The stress of dating polyamorous men in London, more entitled and smug than the average man I encounter, severely affected my mental health. Letting go of the idea of dating any of them again is a huge relief.