Something Wrong

A dramatized version of real life experiences I've had.

I’m not sure what flipped the switch in my head. It may have been my uncle getting the news that he has cancer again, or it could have been just as simple as not getting enough sleep. I’’m not an expert, but one day I woke up and there wasn’t any light. I didn’t spiral into the darkness, it just showed up and punched me in the face. I got cheap shotted by this hideous being that had no face.

What’s the point? Why even bother? I thought, laying in my s****y dorm bed. I threw my legs over and hopped down from the top bunk. “Another day, another view of your ridiculously hairy back,” I heard a groggy, slow voice say from the bottom bunk. I shrugged it off like my childhood psychologist had told me too. Normally, we’d have our back and forth every morning, but today I  had nothing. My mind was a black void, swallowing any thought. All I knew was I needed to brush my teeth, then get ready for class, then go to work. Another 14 hour day of boring lecture, then selling s****y video games to s****y people, forgetting to eat and worrying about money. Yay.

I spit in the sink and looked up into the mirror. I saw the same short, blond hair. The same light freckles. The same pudgy, red cheeks. Something was off though. I looked up and down at my own face, scanning for what was wrong. I’d seen my face in the mirrors hundreds of thousands of times, but couldn’t tell when something was off. Weird. Whatever. I need to leave if I’m only going to be 10 minutes late.

I threw on pants and a shirt that didn’t smell too much like last weekend’s party. On my way out the door, I hear, “Hey man, You alright? Something seems wrong with you.” I pretend not to hear him. I don’t even know what’s wrong, why should I bother him with it?

The building I had to go to was only a five minute walk away, but the bus stop was right outside my dorm and ran every few minutes, so more likely than not, I’d end up making it there in the same amount of time as if I would’ve walked. Probably one of the reasons I’ve always been on the heavy side. The bus pulls up, and the driver doesn’t recognize me. Most do. I’m that piece of crap that immediately pulls the cord to stop at the next bus stop. The bus driver gives me a raised eyebrow, but nothing more. When we stop, he tells me to have a great day, and I pretend not to hear him.

I sleep through most of my lectures, pick up some food from the union, and try to eat it on the bus ride to work. It’s the same one that gave me a ride this morning, and he tries to ask me if I’m having a good day. I mumble some fake words that are combinations of “Sure” and “Not really”. But in all honestly, I don’t know. I try to think about it, while I shove as much s****y cold rice into my face as I can, but honestly nothing comes to mind. I just don’t feel anything.

When I walk into work, my stupid coworker tries to look busy, knowing that I am the boss’ friend. “Hey Mike. Working hard or hardly working?” We both knew the answer.

I stock shelves and help customers for eight hours. Nothing is more degrading than having a mother berate you for selling her son a game that is universally accepted as the best game ever made, but he didn’t like it, so it’s awful and I deserved to get fired.

At the end of the day, I walk a mile and a half home, thinking about, well nothing. Usually I’m a very anxious person, and my brain is running 24/7. It was odd to have it be so quiet. I didn’t like it. That’s when I learned I’m not good with silence.

I got back to my door 14 hours after I had left in the morning, Please let no one be home. Please let no one be home. Please let no one be home. I turned the key in the lock, swung the door open and... F**k. “Oh hey man, sorry. Can (insert some dumb college girl name) and I get more time?”

“Yeah, whatever,” I said. I wasn’t even mad. Well I was mad, but not at him. At myself for trying to grow up too fast. I skipped the best years of my life. Here was my college roommate, sleeping in until noon, getting a B average, and sleeping with any girl he could convince to come back to his room and watch some stupid, s****y musical. Here I was, failing my classes, addicted to caffeine, and working a s****y job that I got paid less than someone picking strawberries in a field.

When I finally crawled into my bed that night, I expected to cry or something, but I felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. I begged for something, anything to happen and my wish was granted. “Hey babe, can I come over tonight? I miss having you in bed.” Oh yeah. I forgot I have a girlfriend. F**k. I hate her. She’s a ‘Newborn virgin”. For those of you that don’t know what that means, it means she had sex before we dated, but she’s not attracted enough to me to want to do anything more than use me to buy her food and leave me with blue balls. But she’s willing to hangout with me everyday, and I’m too afraid of being alone, so I play along.

I saw something had changed, and I think I realize now what it was. I gave up. I gave up hope that an education would help me. I gave up hope that my job was a career. I gave up hope that my family loved me. I gave up hope I’d be able to have a normal college experience. I gave up hope I’d end up with someone that loved me.

The worst thing about this all is I only ever realized what was wrong in the mirror after I stepped off the roof of a 20 story building. The life was gone from my eyes.

Author's Note

I wrote this to help deal with the issues with depression I've had. Don't worry, I've been to counseling, and this is a chapter of my life that has been closed for a while now.

Reviews

[Quinn W]

This was a sad story to read but an all too familiar one for many people. I, myself have never been through this, but I have seen it in friends, family, and even strangers. I typically enjoy reading more light stories but because it was so sincere and written so well, I had no issue reading it. I liked the fact that you wrote it all, not sugarcoating it too much. Especially the line "I didn't spiral into the darkness, it just showed up and punched me in the face." It wasn't an elegant line but it was obviously not meant to be. It's the reality of it. I thought it written extremely well. I'm glad that chapter of your life is over. God bless.