Empty Smoke

Your shadow falls
just short of my feet
afraid to look up
afraid to see
the flames draw near
bringing comfort and heat
almost as if
to lull me to sleep
the smoke filled room
my smoke filled lungs
my only explanation
it's just more fun
with a puff and pass
i look up to see
my worst fear confirmed
it's only me.

Author's Note

My first post. Please let me know what you think. Be honest and constructive. I'm not a huge fan of the title so I'm open to suggestions.

Reviews

[hannah]

Honestly, what drew me was the title and the picture you used for your poem. I think I used the same picture for a poem of mine titled, Devoured and Dying.

This poem is straightforward and expresses modern issues people can relate to. It has a good rhyme scheme, but I believe it could have been better. And the poem could have been lengthened, the idea expanded. It felt slightly restricted. But then again, sometimes simplicity is the best way to go. The title, though interesting, seemed to have no relevance to the poem at the beginning. But when a reader gets farther into your poem, they would understand why you gave it that title. We (humans) sometimes rely on materials that give us this temporary sense of inner peace. Later on, we are left with nothing but pain and emptiness, experiencing withdrawal. We're afraid to experience it again but we do it again anyways.

In the end, even with minor faults, it's a well-written poem.

[loowzerX]

It could as well be part of a song! LIKE :)

[Alana]

I personally like the title, it fits in well with the poem. This poem had wonderful flow, you're quite the natural :D
You really hit the nail on the hammer. It's parts shame mixed with the desire to feel more out of life. Not a lot of people can write about apparent controversial topics, but I feel you handled this insanely well.
I love how in the beginning, you said "Your shadow falls/just short of my feet", while you end with "my worst fear confirmed/it's only me". It's almost as if you feel that you are not stepping into your own shadow, that you are not being all that you can be. It's an almost languid disappointment, which fits with the theme of your poem quite well.
This is utterly fantastic.

[Sarah>_>]

I love the rhyme to it!!

[FocusedAmnesia]

I like the short lines. Gives the words more of an impact. "almost as if; to lull me to sleep" love these lines. Great read.