Standing in the distance.

Standing in the distance

Yes, I see you standing in the distance,

Calling out my name, yelling for an instant.

Face contorted, but your anguish is latent.

Longing for embrace, but the trauma is extant.

I would have met your gaze, but my heart’s still hesitant.

This road between us appears worn and desolate…

the signs all point to feigned quiescence.

I found where the rainbow ends, but lost my direction;

now the gold has tarnished, and diamonds aren’t perfection.

The darkness is falling on my objective,

the failing light has dulled my senses.

Your cry was so faint I almost missed it…

Once again, confirming your existence.

The dying light reveals your presence,

A solitary figure…standing in the distance.

With heart still torn, I seek my pittance…

Hoping your peace will be my inheritance.

Drawing closer to you now, my soul is desperate…

I wonder if I can meet what you expected.

I placed my hand upon your forehead…and felt it,

Brushing your hair away as I kissed it.

Cried for the pain I see present,

deep in your gaze, I found credence.

I pulled you close as I knelt and then…

found only me there in your reflection.

Still, all that remains is acceptance,

eventual surrender to coalescence;

shatter the mirrors and seek connection.

Please, dear God, send down your presence,

Drown the past in convalescence.

I feel so trapped by the ruins I’m left with.

And yes, I see you standing in the distance,

Calling out my name while I’m drifting.

Can you hear it now...? The hour glass sifting?

It is what it is they say, I cannot fix it...

It will run its course and save your wishes.

Still, this pain I can’t abide…the sting is viscous.

Paralyzed in its grasp, cold and twisted.

Nothing left to hold, only listen...

I hear you calling now,

and yes…I see you standing in the distance.

Author's Note

Thoughts, suggestions, and critique greatly appreciated!

Reviews

[JayG]

Well, you did ask...

Start to finish, this is you talking about things meaningful to you, while addressing the reader as if they're the subject of your ire. So...what's in it for the reader? Knowing neither of the people, or the events, for all we know, it's the author that's the one at fault.

But more than that, you give the reader no reason to either WANT to know, or care, because you provide no context.

For you who have backstory, mental images, and intent it works perfectly. But the reader? They came to be entertained, not learn the mood of those writing the poem.

Like most who turn to writing poetry, your approach is the "Talk TO the reader" methodology we learned in school, as they readied us to write the reports, letters, and other nonfiction applications employers need.

We forget that they've been revising and improving the skills of poetry for centuries. And for just as long, they've been identifying and finding ways to avoid the traps for the unwary writer. Dig into those skills and you stand on the shoulders of giants. Skip that and we're destined to make those same mistakes, never knowing we are, because our own writing always works...for us.

So it's not a matter of talent or wordsmith skills. It's one of knowledge we don't know we need. And that's fixable.

Try a few chapters of Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook. It's a fun read and filled with surprises and gems of knowledge:
https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

And take a read of the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon. It's a brilliant introduction to the flow of language in metrical poetry and, in speech. It's something I recommend to all kinds of writers. What he has to say about prodofy applies to all poetry, and is something most of us miss.

So jump in. That book and article won't make a Shakespeare of you. But they will give you the tools to do it with if it's in you.

[Fdale]

I did ask...
And thank you for taking the time to tell me what is wrong, instead of that it is wrong. This is critique I can use and I like to learn. Just got the book on audible, thanks again!