You've Got Me Thinking

Sitting at this table thinking,

You won't come back, you're far from here.

Far from telling jokes

to the children, tying their shoes

and watching their cartoons.

Now I pour cereal for three,

not four. Now you've got me thinking

 

Thinking of the days,

when we sat on this porch.

You'd drink your coffee, I'd drink lemonade.

But now you're gone, and you won't come back.

 

I twirl the cream in your coffee with a little spoon,

and remember that blank look on your face.

So calm, you stood,

and parted from me, every day.

Without a word, nor a glance,

you parted from me,

and left me at this table thinking,

stirring your coffee and merely blinking.

 

I think of our old car, of all the memories it held

Popcorn buckets, movie tickets,

your stale scent and my hard work.

We need a new car, I'm thinking

But now you're gone, you won't come back.

You won't come back, you're far from here.

 

And now you've got me thinking,

thinking of that day I drove,

I drove our old blue car off the edge.

The cliff where your life ends,

where my life begins.

I jumped out, said goodbye to the car,

said goodbye to you, encased in the trunk,

With a blade in your chest and a slit on your neck.

Now you're gone, you won't come back.

You've got me

Sitting at this table thinking.

Reviews

[Lilith]

This is a very interesting poem! At first I thought of it as another lovesick piece, but the ending caught me completely off-guard, which rarely happens in literature. I truly enjoyed reading this, and I'm sure you had fun writing it.

There were a few grammatical errors in this poem that I'm sure a quick revision could find and fix.

Also, I'm not a big fan of the title. I think "You've got me thinking" would be better, or something along the lines of that. Twirling coffee fits the context in which you used it in the poem, but sounds odd as a title.

All in all, great piece!

[Tony Russo]

Another good poem, with another great ending. At first I thought it was about a divorce, then you caught me at the end with a great twice. It captivated me and I was interested in where the twist or lie would be introduced until I was rewarded in the last stanza.

The feedback I would give on this one is it seems as though you are bouncing between free form and having a style. I think that repeating the same phrase is very effective if it is placed strategically in the same spot of the stanza, or can be anticipated by the reader. However, you mix it in and use some of the same words, such as thinking, but not the same line. This throws me off and I ended uip skipping around a little and having to look back over the poem before finishing it. It is hard for me to comment on poems because I think my style is too rigid to effectively comment on poems with free form, but if you alternated the end of the stanzas where one has "you've got me thinking" and ending with "you won't come back." Another example would be to start with a fresh line each stanza, then have the second line be "you've got me thinking" and have the subject's throughts lead back to "you won't come back" by the last line. You also said "where my life begins" as if the subject was abused or held back by the loved one they killed, but you didn't foreshadow or explain any animosity.

Overall, a solid piece. Good luck in the contest.

[PadfootBlack]

Whoa! The ending totally caught me off guard! Descriptive and lovely, as weird as it is to describe a poem with this plot as lovely. I enjoyed reading it because I could feel the intensity of the emotion behind the words. Well done!

[Lorraine]

Brutally emotional. The ending was quite unexpected. I have to hand it to you for stirring the whole thing into a murder scene. I was actually sympathizing with the girl, but I sort of changed my mind at the end. It's a bittersweet love story. Nice wording.

Keep Writing. ^___^

[Devon]

Wow Gurl !!

This is some real s**t, someone was a little angry when they wrote this.
This was really good though

[An owl on the moon]

Powerful and intense write... You take us on this ride, through what seem tender moments of reflection until we see the bitter end. What a brilliant twist that turns the emotions on edge!

[Ed Hart]

wonderful...remind me to run if I see you thinking...

[Epic Destruction 911]

Wow, this was amazing,I enjoyed the read, very unexpected. I thought it was about a guy who'd left his family, the end just left me speachless :O
I love this.

[Ron Reardon]

Wow! As I read I was thinking about a love gone bad. And when I got to the end, I was surprised to find out HOW bad! Very well done!