The Shadow - Chapter 1

We meet Blue and Noah at the start of the book, at the end of an adventure, just before tea.

Bluebell Penelope Jones HATED her name. Not because she didn’t like the names Bluebell or Penelope. She hated her name because she thought that a name like ‘Bluebell Penelope Jones’ should belong to a girl with long hair that never got messy, who always said ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. Bluebell was not one of those girls.

    Bluebell had a mass of short curly hair, which, no matter how careful she was, always ended up looking like a bird’s nest. Blue regularly forgot to say ‘please’, and she almost never said ‘thank you’ because she was always too busy planning her next adventure. That’s why Bluebell much preferred being called Blue.  Blue was the colour of the sky and the sea, the colour of adventure. Bluebells were delicate little flowers, and they weren’t even blue! They were purple. Bluebell was a name for a princess. Blue much preferred rescuing princesses from towers than being the princess. Blue was a name for an explorer.  And right now, Blue was an explorer in the middle of an adventure with her best friend Noah.

 

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Noah’s heavy breathing tickled the back of Blue’s ear. She turned around and glared at him. If the owner of the shadow stalking around the bush they were crouching in could hear his breathing, they’d be done for. Blue watched the shadow, waiting for it to move far enough away for them to escape when,

 

CRACK,

 

The scouting party had trodden on a stick. The shadow paused, its back arching, ready to pounce.  

 

There was only one thing for it: “RUN” shouted Blue as she heaved her way out of the bush, and she hurled herself through the trees. She wouldn’t stop to check if Noah or Milton were following until she had reached their camp. She pushed aside branches and ferns as she tumbled through the undergrowth, escaping the twisty vines on the ground that seemed to be grabbing for her feet. She stumbled and almost fell, her foot trapped in an especially grabby vine. Pulling with all her might she managed to break loose and headed straight for the clearing ahead.

 

Bursting into the clearing, Blue sprinted for the nearest tree and began to climb. She swung her red stripy leg onto the lowest branch and threw herself up. Her  mum  always  said  that  when  she  was  climbing  trees  she  could  be  mistaken  for  a monkey.  Blue knew this wasn’t true because she was part monkey, so it wasn’t a mistake when people thought so.  She  scrambled,  out  of breath,  to  the  best  sitting  branch  and  whirled  her leg  over  it  so  she  was  straddling  it.  Using  her trusty  hand  binoculars,  she  began  scouting  for  her  comrades.

 

Although she was 3 months younger than Noah Jefferson, Blue was much faster than him.  She  was  also  superior  when  it  came  to  climbing  trees,  hunting  monsters  and  hiding  in bushes,  although  he  was  better  at  crawling  through  underground  tunnels.  Noah  said  this  was because  she  was  taller  than  him,  so  her  long  legs gave  her  an  advantage,  but  Blue  knew  it  was because  she  was  made  to  be  the  leader,  and  he was  made  to  be  her  Second  (well,  third  if  Milton was  there  because  he  was  faster  than  Noah,  but Noah  says  that  speed  isn’t  everything  because Milton  couldn’t  give  her  advice  in  tricky situations,  owing  to  the  fact  that  he  was  a  dog, and  dogs  couldn’t  talk  at  all.)

 

After  what  felt  like  years  Blue  finally  saw  Noah and  Milton  stumbling  into  camp.  Noah  had  a  rip in  his  hunting  trousers  and  was  dragging  Milton by  his  collar.

“Blue!”  came  Noah’s  moan  as  he  collapsed  at  the  base  of  her  tree,  “you’re  not  supposed  to  leave  me  with  Milton,  you  know  he  won’t  come if  I  call  him,”

“Did  you  see  what  it  was?”  Asked  Blue  climbing down  from  her  branch  “I  think  it  was  a  monster,  maybe  a  dinosaur  from  space,  but  I  didn’t  get  a good  look  at  it.”

“Are  you  even  listening  to  me,  Blue?”  Noah asked  as  Blue  jumped  down.

“I  think  it  must  have  been  a  shape  shifter,  I don’t  even  know  if  it  had  a  body,  I  think  it  was pretending  to  be  a  Shadow”

“Whatever  it  was,  it  was  really  scary,”  Noah  said,  shaking  at  the  thought  of  it.

“It  didn’t  scare  me,”  claimed  Blue,  “nothing  can scare  the  famous  explorer  Blue  P. Jones”

“Apart  from…  SLUGS”  laughed  Noah,  picking one  off  a  nearby  plant  and  shoving  it  in  Blue’s face.  Blue  screamed.

“Get  that  thing  away  from  me!”  She jumped up and was halfway up the tree before Noah threw the slug out of the camp perimeter.

“You know,” said Blue, as casually as she could, climbing much more cautiously down the tree than before, “I’m not actually properly terrified of real slugs.  It’s  that,  my  arch  nemesis-“

“You  have  an  arch  nemesis?  People  don’t  have nemesis’  in  real  life,  that’s  only  in  movies!”

“Normal people don’t have nemesis’s’,” agreed Blue, sitting back down next to Noah, carefully checking for slugs, “But professional explorers can.  And  I  do.”

“Does  that  mean  I  can  have  one?”

“Don’t  be  silly  Noah,  only  the  leader  can  have an  arch  nemesis.  If  Seconds  could  have  one  as well  then  there  wouldn’t  be  any  time  for exploring,  we’d  all  be  too  busy  foiling  our nemesis’  plans  to  discover  anywhere.”

“Oh,”  said  Noah,  his  bottom  lip  poking  out  a little.  “who’s  your  nemesis  then?”

Blue  checked  over  her  shoulder  and  brought  her head  low,  beckoning  Noah  to  do  the  same,  “I don’t  know  her  name,”  she  whispered,  as  if someone,  or  something,  was  listening,  “But  she uses  the  slugs  to  spy  on  me.  I  bet  that  slug  was one  of  her  spies,  I  think  I  saw  a  listening  device attached  to  it”

“But  what  were  they  listening  for?”

“Secrets”

“What  kind  of  secrets?”

“How  to  be  an  adventurer”  Blue  said  seriously. She  looked  over  her  shoulder  again  and   moved away  and  leaning  back  against  the  tree,  confident the  slug  spies  were  nowhere  to  be  seen.  “She’s jealous  because  she  doesn’t  know  how  to  explore properly.  She  wants  to  learn  how  to  be  as  good at  it  as  I  am  so  she  can  steal  all  of  my discoveries.  That’s  why  I  don’t  like  slugs,  not because  I’m  a  baby.”

“Oh,”  said  Noah,  in  awe.

They  sat  in  silence  for  a  moment,  then  Milton barked,  and  the  adventurers  remembered  what they  were  supposed  to  be  doing.  Jumping  to  her feet  Blue  said  “Milton,  was  is  it?  Is  it  the Shadow?  Has  it  followed  us  to  camp?  You  know it  can’t  get  through  the  mushroom  circle”

“Maybe  it  can,”  said  Noah,  panic  rising  in  his eyes,  “maybe  mushroom  circles  only  stop  solid monsters  getting  in,  Shadows  can  get  in anywhere”

“You  get  your  hammer,  I’ll  get  the  sword,  we’ll track  the  perimeter  and  strike  it  down”

“Dad says I’m not allowed the hammer anymore,” said Noah, begrudgingly following Blue across the camp to the weapons store, “not after I dropped it on my toe and the nail went all blue and then fell off.  Can I have the wand instead?”

“Fine,  but  don’t  blame  me  if  the  Shadow  is immune  to  magic”  Blue  passed  Noah  the  wand  and  picked  up  her  sword.  Noah  was  allowed  to borrow  her  hammer  and  wand,  but  only  Blue  was  allowed  the  sword  because  she  was  in  charge and  only  leaders  get  to  fight  with  swords.  The pair  split  up  and  began  pacing  the  perimeter, (Milton  was  on  a  private  mission  sniffing  for  slug  spies).  Blue  knew  the  mushroom  circle couldn’t  keep  the  Shadow  out  for  long,  so  she was  on  high  alert  to  capture  it  before  time  ran out.

 

   Although  Blue  was  a  very  serious  and professional  explorer  who  went  on  lots  of missions,  (some  spanning  hours,  some  spanning days,  and  over  one,  very  long,  very  boring summer  holidays, when nobody could go away anywhere,  Blue  and  Noah’s  mission  to find  the  monster  that  had  escaped  from  Noah’s wardrobe  had  lasted  almost  six  weeks!),  she  made sure  she  was  always  home  in  time  for  tea, otherwise  the  mission  coordinators,  Montgomery and  Claire,  (their  super-secret  codenames  were Mum  and  Dad  but  only  Blue  could  call  them that,  Noah  had  to  call  them  Mr  and  Mrs  Jones because  he  was  the  Second  and  also  because  they weren’t  his  parents)  would  not  be  impressed  and might  lump  Blue  with  a  desk  job,  like  colouring in,  or  maths  homework.

 

Blue followed the mushroom ring around the perimeter, she couldn’t see far because the forest that was home to the Shadow came almost up to the line.  She  held  the  sword  with  two  hands and  squinted  into  the  darkness.  The  movement  of a  branch  and  a  crunch  of  leaves  told  her  there was  something  out  there,  and  she  was  willing  to bet  her  priceless  ruby  ring  (she  had  been  given it  for  rescuing  a  treasure  chest  from  a  hoard  of pirates)  that  it  was  the  Shadow. Just  as  she prepared  for  combat,  a  yell  came  from  the  other side  of  the  camp.

 

 Leaving  her  post  she  sprinted  the  enormous distance  in  a  matter  of  seconds  and  was  at  Noah’s  side,  ready  to  give  her  life  to  protect  her Second.  Blue  scanned  the  darkness,  looking  for the  threat,  and  out  of  nowhere,  it  jumped  at  her. She  screamed,  swinging  her  sword  all  around. Noah  was  shouting  their  magic  words  and pointing  his  wand,  but  the  monster  was  immune.

Blue  fell  to  the  floor,  the  monster  scratching  and biting  at  her  face.  With  all  of  her  might  she lifted  the  sword  above  her  head  and  bashed  the monster  on  its  nose. At  the  same  time  Noah  had grabbed  its  tail,  trying  to  pull  the  monster  off. With an almighty, “SCREECH” the monster propelled itself off Blue, leaving her winded, and sprinted back into the forest.  Blue,  pushed  herself into  a  sitting  position  and  Noah  pulled  her  onto her  feet.

“Did  you  see  what  it  was?”  She  panted,  squinting once  again  into  the  blackness.

“I think it was a forest cat” said Noah, brushing the dirt off his ripped jeans.  “The biggest forest cat I’ve ever seen!”

“I think it’s the biggest forest cat anyone has ever seen.”  said  Blue  importantly.  “So,  we’d better  name  it  or  else  someone  else  might  claim the  discovery”

“Like  your  nemesis?”

“Exactly.  I  think  we  should  name  it  the  Blue cat”

“That’s  not  fair,”  said  Noah,  “you’ve  named  the last  three  discoveries  after  yourself.  And  anyway, I  saw  it  first.  I  think  we  should  call  it  ‘The Jefferson  Cat”

“That’s  boring.  It  almost  killed  me  so  I  think  I should  get  to  name  it.”

“Fine,  but  I’m  naming  the  next  one  ‘The  Noah’.”

“Bluebell!”  a  voice  called  from  inside  the  main hut.  Blue  moaned.  She hated that Claire (code name: mum) refused to call her Blue. “Please come inside and wash your hands before dinner.  Oh, and  tell  Noah  his  mum  called  and  wants  him home  for  his  tea!”

Noah  looked  down  at  his  jeans  and  sighed,  “This is  the  second  pair  of  jeans  I’ve  ripped  this  week, mums  going  to  kill  me.”  He turned and started towards the dark forest, back to his own hut, “See you later, Blue” he said, and just like that, he disappeared into the black.

Blue  watched  him  leave  and  then,  with  a  sigh, trudged  back  into  her  house   for dinner.

Author's Note

I've given it a bit of an edit based off some feedback from on here and on other websites, so this is more of a draft 1 and a half

Reviews

[JayG]

What possible reason is there for you to have two spaces between each word? It makes the story virtually unreadable. So...before anything else, you need to fix that. In general, fiction has no double space between each paragraph, and an indentation of 4 or 5 spaces. If you set the indentation via the top ruler in Word, when you copy/paste it to this site it will show up properly. So you might want to fix that and edit the story chapters.

Next:
• Noah’s heavy breathing tickled the back of Blue’s ear.

When you read this you know who Noah is. You know where they are in time and space. You know what’s going on. And because you have both context for the people and the situation, AND, intent for how the words will be taken, it makes perfect sense.

But to a reader?

1. Who is Noah, and why is he breathing heavily? Dunno, and you don't even hint.
2. Why does it matter that he’s breathing heavily? It must, since you mentioned it in line one, but the reader can’t tell, and there's no second, first-impression, so here, confused, a lot of readers will stop.
3. Since we know that Blue perceives Noah’s breathing as a tickle, it appears that Blue is the protagonist, But is he…or she? Dunno because we have no context for the three issues a writer must address quickly, to provide context, on entering any scene: Who are we? Where are we? What's going on?
4. Blue appears to be an animal’s name. Are we an animal? No way to know. And it matters not at all if we learn, later, because you cannot retroactively remove confusion. And a reader who closes the cover before they get that clarification will never see it.

My point? In all the world, only you know what you’re talking about. And because you do it makes perfect sense…to you. But who did you write it for? If it makes no sense to them, you wasted the time it took to type it. Right? So taking a bit of time to perfect your knowledge of the hows and whys of writing fiction makes sense. Right?

• He turned around and glared at him, if the owner of the shadow stalking around the bush they were crouching in could hear his breathing, they’d be done for.

Forgetting that this is two independent sentences, and should be shown as such, not comma-spliced: Someone we know nothing about turned, for unknown reasons, and glared—for unknown reasons—at someone we know nothing about, for unknown reasons. What can this mean to a reader? And who in the pluperfect hell is the “owner of the shadow (whatever that is)?” The shadow matters more than what’s casting it? Makes no sense.

You know what's going on. The people in the story all know. You have intent for the meaning the reader should take. But the reader? They’re lost from line one.

BUT…the problem you face isn’t one of talent, or how well you write. It’s that because—knowing only the nonfiction skills we’re given in school, and practiced by writing reports and essays—you’re trying to write fiction with the wrong techniques. Everyone does, because we're not told that we're learning only nonfiction writing skills. But, nonfiction informs, and is as exciting to read as a report, because a narrator, in a voice that can’t be heard, explains, and reports. But, the goal of fiction is to make the reader feel and CARE, not simply know. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.” And how much time have your teachers spent on that? None, right?

Have your teachers explained the use of the short-term scene-goal? No. Have they defined the elements of a scene on the page, and explained why it’s so different from one on the stage? Again no. How about a simple thing, like why scenes end in disaster, and must? Of course not. Only those practicing the profession we call, Fiction-Writing need that.

I ask, because if they haven’t given you those skills, and you don’t fully understand what a scene is, how can you you write one?

Fiction-Writing is a profession, and all professions are acquired IN ADDITION to the set of general skills we get in our public education days. Universities offer degrees in Commercial Fiction Writing, remember. And surely, at least some of what’s taught is necessary, right?

My point? If you want to write fiction, picking up the tricks the pros take for granted isn’t optional. They're not all that hard to learn, and if you’re meant to write you’ll enjoy the learning. But, the only shortcut I know of is not to look for a shortcut.

The library’s fiction-writing section can be a huge resource. And given where you are, now, I’d suggest picking up a copy of Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict, from any online bookseller.

For a better feel for the huge differences in approach between fiction and nonfiction, you might check the articles in my WordPress writing blog. They won’t teach you how to write fiction, they’re not meant to, but they will give you a feel for what you need to look into more deeply.

There is also a truly great book on the basics of creating fiction that’s available free at the address just below, but it’s a university-level book and I fear it might be a bit too advanced. Still, it’s free to read or download, so you might give it a try.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

I know this is far from what you were hoping to see, but since you can’t fix the problem you don’t see as being one, I thought you might want to know.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[FRAN.KING]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this review! I'm not quite sure what you mean about the two spaces between each words as they're single spaced on my word document but i'll for sure avoid that in future! Thanks for all of the books suggestions, I'll be sure to check those out.