Pillar of Salt

murder

Like a pillar of salt

she stood, petrified,

 a freeze frame of fear

 

 There he was staring, 

 shooting bullets at her

 with piercing eyes beneath

 a fedora brim hat.

 

She had looked evil in

the face too many times before

and this time was no different.

 

He had found her; tense and frozen

in time.. he wasn't going to let her go.

She had played his game and lost

she knew she be dead by midnight

 

A roll of the dice with craps showing

in a boxcar to the next town

she had no where else to run

and knew this was the end of the line.

 

He knew what he had to do

he had marked her face with a blade before

as a token scar of what would happen

 if she tried leaving him again

 

Her star would not shine forever

as a lady's luck runs cold

while he rolls lucky sevens

yes,tonight he would take her out

 

She knew what was in his armani suit pocket

 a loaded gun and silver switchblade knife

with her name carved on it and her life

he would make it personal and pernament this time.

 

He couldn't live with her, she had caused him too much pain

but he couldn't live without her, for it would drive him insane

so he ended it with a sharp slice to her throat

and a swift bullet to his brain

 

And the blood ran down the gutter

            with a muddy midnight rain

 

 

 

 

Reviews

[Morgan Ashire]

I wasn't sure where this piece was going at first. As I kept reading I kept feeling as though the point of this was never going to come. Given as though it was written with no real rhyme scheme, the choppy flow that the reader picks up does a lot to help the suspenseful nature of this piece. I wasn't sold on it until the end, once the rhyme scheme came into play. Good finish. In my mind, a good save. It wrapped the piece nicely in a concise fashion, without sacrificing the imagery, or giving in to extra length. Bravo. I called on the river and you turned over a straight.

[TamiViolet]

First, I adore the graphic, it's wonderful, Fran as is the suspense you create...

I enjoy the depiction of his armani suit, loaded gun and switchblade knife....and, of course, the notion of 'her' name being carved on it, along with her life... This allows the reader to remember that one relationship that nearly resulted in death of soul...

The conclusion captures and renders us 'still'.... Great work, my friend.

[just rose.]

What a tragic story with the requisite stylish touches that frame this out in black and white for the reader, with red tints. What I like best about this is the possibility of taking it a level past the narration and wondering about such a scene played out entirely within one's imagination ... that raises all kinds of possibilities for the ways in which we struggle against a shadowy pursuer who is made of belief and our own fears. I am not sure if you intended that additional echo but I'm feeling it here, and wanted you to know that your words are working on many levels. Really enjoyed.

[Skye Fields]

Quite noir indeed! Love the narrative approach; it's very readable. You do a good job of supercharging emotion, and details like the fedora hat and armani suit hold the piece together. "Muddy midnight rain" is a sharp image, a nice conclusion. I'm not sure if the sudden, random rhyme scheme of the second-to-last stanza works. "Pain" and "insane" are predictable together, so I'd consider dropping the rhyme altogether. Or, even better, find something new to say. The first two lines of that stanza don't carry much weight. Work with action and images. Try not to fall into the trap of telling instead of showing.

"Token scar" is wonderful. I love it.

Anyway, this was a pleasure to read. Thanks for sharing.

[An owl on the moon]

You create such a mysterious sense of ambience. There is a darkness flowing through your words that captivates us... moves us on... making me only wish there was more of their story before the end.. Powerful and tragic.

[Brad]

oooo, this was very "noir" esque....i was in the room with her, a bead of sweat trickled from my furrowed brow

[Crowley]

The last two lines were awesome as was the rest of the write...intriguing, tension builiding, hope meets a box canyon. Nice write.

[dovetailer]

chilling recount of a today without a tomorrow...
grabbed me and kept me to the very last word...Kudos

[deeps]

And the blood ran down the gutter
with a muddy midnight rain

Amazing lines here, this is a wonderful write.
A most enjoyable read.

[Robin]

your rhymes are so smooth , the pace sharp and contrasty like an old b&w detective story