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A Poem by Brett Forsythe
"

I wrote this for my ex-girlfriend.

"

I see the way they walk, side by side,

Their bodies in sync, stride for stride,

Remember we used to be like that?

We used to appreciate what we had, 

My mistakes would disappear,

With open eyes and my conscience clear,

I refuse to stop and just give in,

For now I continue to pay for my sins,

It hurts me when I see your name,

Knowing that I’ve caused you pain,

I remember we used to be like that,

I’d give anything to go back,

To the long days where the worries were few,

When I said I loved you, you’d repeat it through,

Regardless, I will wait for you,

For all this life and the next one too,

Think back to when we had it all,

It’s scary how fast the good can fall, 

I would give the air I breathe,

For you to look and just believe,

Believe in me, believe in us,

So we can start rebuilding trust,

You know we made an awesome pair,

I feel forgiveness in the air,

Seeping deep into our souls, 

That place where we could be alone,

Laughing hard until we cried,

Our hearts and love still intertwined, 

I’ll take your hand if you'll take mine,

We'll trace our love back in time,

To when only you were on my mind,

Thus saving me from a helpless kind, 

With a broken heart I’m here alone,

In this place that’s not my home, 

There's many paths, none lead home,

I asked for guidance, nothing showed,

I’ll spend my years searching for you,

In this lonely maze, I’m determined to,

I remember we used to be like that,

If you could, would you go back?

I need you now and this I know,

Because in your arms I found my home,

No matter the odds, I won’t give up,

The slightest chance for me is enough,

You’re a perfectionist while I’m hardly perfect,

Does this mean that I’m not worth it?

You loved me once, why not again?

For you, my love, were my best friend.

© 2011 Brett Forsythe


Author's Note

Brett Forsythe
Constructive criticism or comments are greatly appreciated, thank-you! :)

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Reviews

Oh Dear! (: You did indeed take my suggestions! :) I'm glad I could help, thanks for putting a smile on my face today, it brightens what was a terrible day and I thank you.

Now to business! ;) Lol, well. The poem does indeed flow better. Quite honestly, I love this version. There are a few minor errors, but those don't really mess with the poems rythm and flow, or quite frankly, it's beauty. Great work, congratulations on creating a piece I can relate with. I read your profile, and I know that telling you I can relate to this poem, will brighten your day. :) So, I thank you.

Posted 13 Years Ago


Thanks to the ideas and tips I revised this. Hope you guys like this version better. I tried to make it flow and have a bit more emotion as well as ease up on forced rhyming.

Posted 13 Years Ago


This one is good too, a little forced in some areas, but I have a few suggestions:
think about trying these--
changing the line "the days we appreciated what we had" to when we appreciated small things like that, changing the line "How I'd give anything to go back" to How I'd give to just go back, changing "...and the worries few" to the worries few, and changing "I'll take your hand and you'll take mine" to I'll take your hand if you take mine.

Those are a few suggestions, please don't hesitate to aske if you have an inquiries. And I really love the ending line, its great.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 13 Years Ago



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307 Views
4 Reviews
Added on April 30, 2011
Last Updated on May 22, 2011
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Author

Brett Forsythe
Brett Forsythe

Kamloops, British Columbia, Canada



About
I'm Canadian born and raised. Most of my pieces of writing are going to be about heartbreak and/or family. I was born in 1991 and been through a few major life changing scenarios in my life and have c.. more..

Writing