Where Am I?

I re-enter the place I was in, nothing had changed. I give another glance up at the moon before I enter back in. It moves quite drastically since I left this place. And it remained huge. I wonder what happened to it, or if it's just always been like this and I've never given it a notice. 

I observe the area around me, there wasn't much of a place to sleep, besides on the floor. I wonder how I got there on the floor in the first place. It was like I had fallen on my back. 

Sitting on the floor, my back against the wall, I give the place more observation. The ceiling was cracked, jagged lines everywhere. 

The cold air drifts through the windows and the door. Giving me a sudden burst over shivering energy.

I rest my head against the wall, staring directly up at the broken ceiling, trying to give myself a break from all the harsh thinking. It's cold and comforting against my warm head.

For some reason, I have a sense that this place seemed a little too perfected. Heavenly, maybe. It doesn't feel like anything could go wrong here, but at the same time, it does. There is something erroneous, but I can't place my finger on it. Something is haunting me. Like a shadow's been following me around.

There are so many questions I have, and I don't have a single answer. It's all becoming excruciating when your brain tries to push all of it at you but you don't have anything to provide.

I close my eyes, trying to find relief in sleep. I sit here with my back against the wall, feeling a nice breeze flow by me, and it felt ever so relaxing in my hair, it doesn't tangle itself.

Before I know it, right when I just started to get drowsy, someone started to wail. And I was so close to sleeping, right there on the verge, and they happened to kill it all. 

What is with all the screaming? Goodness, it's like there's a screaming contest of some sort. Random bursts of screaming. It is really just confusing, if anything. Why? Why scream? I wish there is a mute button or something that would halt all of it for a moment.

I stand up, knowing that I'm not going to get to sleep with screaming in the background. Unless I happen to be that kind of person, which I'm not. 

There is a flight of stairs, and it made me question what's  above me, if there was much above me at all. It was all abandoned after all. Abandoned apartment complex, huh? Just my luck. A place that a person who's suffering with amnesia wants to be.

I should try to find out who's screaming. I could tell them to relax themselves, knowing that there isn't anything here to horrify you. Except for the uneasy feeling. It is making me sick.

I climbed the stairs with my back against the wall, since there is no handrail for me to hold onto. And they are steep and slim steps as well, making me wonder why they were built like that. There is no door or anything that provided privacy with these stairs, they were just room after room. Barren like the first one.

This one is empty as well, nothing but a few flattened cardboard boxes here and there. This place has more windows however, all crudely cut out, like it was clay and it wasn't given enough attention. I look above me, and there is another flight. 

These ones, I climbed up as well. It's no more empty than the rooms below it. They don't seem like apartments anymore, so I questioned what they were. Houses?

 All of it is terribly built, nothing but hard and jagged lines everywhere. Not the best work that I've seen so far. A child could have built all of this out of clay.

I turn around, something is coming up the stairs. There is the noise of feet thumping hurriedly. A rush of blood fills my body. I stand still, waiting.

Could this be the person who was constantly screaming?  Everything here, it was all messed up to me, my mind can't grasp all that is going on this quickly.

I get pushed to the ground, there is no time for me to truly react. My head hurts from the impact of falling to the concrete. A throbbing, dizziness fills my head. Small breaths escape my lungs

I push my knees up, getting ready to haul myself up. After that, someone grabs my wrist and begins to pull me up the next flight of stairs while I still haven't gotten to my feet yet. I'm forced to stumble up the stairs, almost tripping on the ledge of each step. Before getting the chance to know what's going on, I'm on the rooftop, panting my lungs out.

Everything is so sudden. Behind me, I hear the noise of shuffling feet and panting. Turning around, I see who it is. 

A young man looks down the staircase, spitting down in a loud, obnoxious way. He has a big cloud of fluffy looking brown hair. He is tall, lean, but muscular; you can see it behind his rolled up plaid sleeves. There is a casual, yet strict look on his face. I am completely lost in him. I can't stop staring at him, my eyes fixated. Something attracts my eyes to him.

It couldn't have been him who was screaming, it was much more feminine and girly. And I doubt that it came from his lungs, unless I really happen to be wrong with judgement. But I don't think I could be wrong with that.

"Um..." I don't know what to say. In fact, I haven't spoken a word since I arrived here. With all these sort of events going on, I could have thought that I would be talking to myself much more. But I haven't even muttered anything at all.

He turns his head to look at me, "Sorry, I didn't mean to run into you like that." A glimpse of a smile on his face. "And I also really didn't mean to drag you along with me. But that couldn't have been helped. I'm too nice."

I tilt my head, "What?" I murmur.

"Are you new here?" He asks, ignoring what I said.

What did that mean? While looking at him, I can't answer. It's as if I was paralyzed by him. And I'm not sure why. 

He sighs, "I guess you are, or so says the look on your face." He walks up to me and holds out his hand. "I'm Lucas." 

I stare at his hovering hand silently, I don't even know my own name. I look away shyly. 

Lucas drops it, knowing that I'm not going to shake it and went up close to my face. An uncomfortably close distance rests between us. Breath is on breath. "What, you can't talk?" He asks in a somewhat childish manner.

"No, I..." I'm at a loss for words. I haven't spoken to anyone yet, or at all for that matter. 

"Amnesia, huh?" He smiles at me.

"Huh?" I look at him surprised. Am I an open book?

"You have amnesia, correct?" All this time, his voice doesn't go and louder than a loud whisper. It's like he's trying not to frighten me away.

"Um... I- I guess so." I tell him.

"So your name remains a mystery, or do you happen to know?" He asks.

I shake my head. I can't even get an idea as to what my name could be. He crosses his arms, "Well, you need to have a name. Otherwise, I'll just have to call you 'girl'." 

I vigorously refuse, "Please don't," I croak.

"Well..." He gives me a look for a while, his thumb rubbing the bottom of his chin. I found it difficult to look back at him with his face like that. "How about Ruth?" 

"Ruth?" I repeat. There was a ring to it that I liked. Or it could have been the charm in his voice.

"Yeah, it kinda suits you." He grimaces. "Or I happen to be really good with names."

I nod my head mechanically in agreement, "Alright." I say barely audible. It'll be a while before it settles in, that I actually have a name. 

 I glance around. Grass strolls with the wind, creating waves. Multiple flattop buildings of the same dot the green. "What are we doing up here?" 

Lucas looks at me surprised like I'm a clueless person, which is rather true, "Oh, were... patrolling, you could say."

"For what?" I question him.

"For the Reaper." He says me plainly.

"Reaper?" 

"You don't know?" He gave me a peculiar look. "You really don't have a clue as to who the Reaper is?" He acts like it's a joke or something; I don't catch on.

"No, I'm pretty sure I know what a reaper is but..." I mumble off. 

I just got here. You cannot expect me to suddenly know. My mind is blank of information, and I was honestly craving for some. Anything would do right now.

He sits himself down on the rough and patchy roof, "Sit, sit." I did as I was told. "This reaper," he begins, "Pretty creepy as Hell. And to think that you'd never see one in real life. But this thing, he's got everything with him; the skull head, the scythe, the black, baggy clothing. And his main goal here is to try and kill you.

"Surely I don't understand why that's the case. But I guess it's like a game. It's like tag. Except when he tags you, you're dead." I swallow hard, the idea of a scythe plunging into me feels uncomfortable. "And your chances of survival vary every now and then depending on the guys mood. Usually, he goes after the first one he sees. And usually, you have to get out of his line of sight for a while before he gives up. But everyone is on his kill list." 

I look down at my hands. My palms were pale with dust. I slide them on my skirt. "Where are we exactly?" Immediately, I put my trust in him. A stranger.

He looks up at the moon, "That, I don't exactly know." The way he stared up at the sky. The shading of his eyes, they almost turned dark. From his nose to the other side of his face, the light makes him look pale. It was a beautiful portrait. "We all have our different beliefs, and mine, well, it's hard to explain."

I straighten my back. "Well..." Right now, I wanted communication. Interaction with someone that existed. Silence needs to be pushed away. 

Lucas sighs, knowing that I'm going to get off his back until I knew what he knew. "I believe that this entire place is a..." He holds his hand up to me, his index finger pointing at the sky. "Now this is a theory, but I think that we are in some sort of sliver of a different universe." 

"What?" I don't know what I'm listening to, maybe just a bunch of gibberish. Yeah, that's what it sounded like. I wanted someone to talk to, but not a lunatic. There is only Earth, but my mind is telling me that this isn't Earth.

"I know, it's ludicrous, but that's what I'm thinking. For all I know, I think that we are in this place between life and death. Like a coma." I don't believe it, why would I be in a coma? Why...

I stand up, not wanting to hear the rest of his childish fairy tale. "Thank you, but no thank you." I tell him. "I'm not going to believe what someone tells me until I see it for myself."  I head over to the staircase, acting like I never heard anything. 

"What the Hell are you doing?" Lucas jumps after me and grabs my shoulder, tugging me back forcefully, "You're really going to kill us." Even now, he was still saying things quietly. No one's here, only us. There isn't any need to be so silent.

I shrug him off of me. "I'd like to believe you, and that's only because I just woke up and have no clue what's going on. But I can't." It's a ridiculous idea. 

All that he's trying to do is scare me. I'm not sure why, but I don't find it funny. And if he thinks that I have amnesia, why try to make things worse for me?

I start walking down the stairs. The entire room was covered in a thick, dank, and dark smoke. For a second, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but the next second, I knew it was real. A a tall, lean figure was rising from behind the staircase, turning it's head in an eerie motion and looks directly at me.

Author's Note

Grammar errors, strict reviews, SUPPORT~!!

Reviews

[theladygraceling]

This is a great story. After I read each chapter I keep wanting to read more. The plot line is great and I'm glad to see you're willing to take the advice from others. You're doing a great job. Also, I noticed in your "About Me" box that you love anime and manga (as do I). Your story kind of reminds me of the anime Angel Beats, if you've ever watched that (if not, you should because it's amazing). You're doing an excellent job writing this, keep it up!

[Forgotten14]

Haha, thank you~
It took me a while to realize that after a while that my story is somewhat related to Angel Beats, and I honestly had a panic attack about it becuase like... Angel Beats. But also because I want something that isn't as closely as tied to it (if that makes any sense) I wanted it to be original, and I'm sure it is....
Maybe it's like Angel Beats for like... humans that don't watch anime.... ^^

[theladygraceling]

Don't worry, I think your story is still pretty original. After a bit of reading my mind just sort of fluttered towards Angel Beats. I think you're doing a really good job at keeping this story you're own though. Another thing I forgot to mention in my earlier review, I like the dialogue between your characters. Sometimes dialogue doesn't sound realistic and its not really anything people would say in real life but I like the way Ruth and Lucas interact.

[Forgotten14]

Thank you~

[Emma Olsen]

Sorry it's taken me a bit to get to this. I had a very busy week.
Okay, phrasing issues:
"I enter back in" Why not just 're-enter?'
"It moved" Should be 'it has moved.' You have the same issue next sentence with 'it remained.'
"I wonder what happened to it, or if it's just always been like this and I've never given it a notice." I think you're trying to introduce some foreshadowing here, but I'm not quite sure this sentence is working because it relies on past knowledge of the moon and she has amnesia. Maybe you clarified this, though, since I last read over your work? Figured I'd bring this up regardless. Just disregard any of this if you've already clarified it.
You're still having tense issues. You open in present ("I reach the") and then will switch over to past randomly when it's inappropriate ("there wasn't much of"). Just keep an eye out for that. All current actions or observations occurring in the present moment should be present. Past tense should be restrained to actions and observations made in the past (such as the moon - since it was observed to be large earlier, it has remained large. Does that make sense? Simlarly: "how I got there" should be 'how I'd gotten there' or 'how I had gotten there.') I can go through and edit to the right verbs if you're confused. Tense confusion is peppered throughout your work.
"I push my knees up," Odd description . . . I can't picture what you mean.
" spitting down in a loud, obnoxious way." Odd phrasing, and I think there should be a pause in between the action of him scrambling up the stairs and spitting. Maybe just say 'he spits down into the stairwell.' I also think he should maybe tell her to run or something - or she should just decide to run because she's scared of him. Give her a reason, especially since she seems injured.
"true, "Oh, were... patrolling, you could say."" We're, not were.

It's a little strange that she's realizing what she's wearing only now? I'd think she'd go outside and be cold or something. I also think it's strange she didn't notice the stairs before . . . Maybe she should notice them and just not feel like going up there or something? I'd gotten the impression she was in a small house or something, not an apartment. I think you need to flesh out the area more so this is clear. You should try to use it to build a sense of unease or some type of emotion. She says she's uneasy, but her actions and descriptions of the surrounding don't seem to support that assumption. If I was uneasy, I might look out the window or slowly creep around corners rather than brazenly walk up the stairs. It's important to have actions mirror internal feelings. Maybe she has a tick to show she's nervous? Like chewing on her fingernails? My character in my book always chews on her lips when she's nervous. Something like that may convey unease much more, along with questions about what this place is, etc. I feel like she's not asking enough questions, either about the place or herself.

Does her head get hit or something? I mean, after her getting to this place. I'm confused. It seems like she has symptoms of a concussion out of nowhere? After reading a bit it seems she got pushed down, but it was confusing because I didn't realize that someone pushed her down. Clarify this with a clear sense of someone doing the action in the moment (A hand forced me down into the floor). She has to know that something's pushing her down.

Also, I think she gets obsessed with this guy a little too quickly, when she's not even sure he's a danger. Give her a little more fire! I feel like she's falling into some particular tropes where she just acts without thought and trusts blindly. She's in a strange, new place. I don't want her to trust anyone or anything too easily, and if the Reaper finds them I'd rather it not be her fault. Don't make your plot devices so see-through, is what I mean. Maybe she's naive, but she's reading a little dumb and lucky right now, and, because you're not fully taking me through her reasoning, I have no reason to think otherwise. She should have room to grow, but I'm not sure you fully know her yet or where you want her to go - you're just filling in the details of your plot. Since this is first-person, you should know her and all her faults and strengths and you should highlight all of them - and make them consistent. Her sudden disbelief of Lucas seems forced. She should be acting within the bounds of her character at all times, and if she doesn't, then it's a huge deal - not only to her, but to others around her. You seem to be going for something close to the Hunger Games but with a near-death experience theme, which is really interesting to me, but you need to be careful because this is a type of plot which has been done repeatedly. Make your character bring something new to it. First-person is your chance to show off an interesting, different type of character and it should be used in that way. You have an interesting premise - make sure Ruth lives up to it.

In terms of dialogue, I think a lot of it is a bit stiff and I think this comes from you not exactly knowing your characters. I love this bit: "He crosses his arms, "Well, you need to have a name. Otherwise, I'll just have to call you 'girl'."

I vigorously refuse, "Please don't," I croak."
Put in more like it! I understand that getting a feel for characters is a bit hard. I didn't start to get a feeling for some of my characters on my current project until the fourth edit of the whole thing, but what helped me was trying to write out adjectives I thought described the characters (or finding interesting ones to incorporate into their descriptions) and trying to write POV excerpts where you see their thought process through their own eyes (this is obviously more for supporting character, like Lucas.) Think about how you approach everything, the way thoughts run through your head. Since it seems like this is a riff on the Hunger Games, think about how much Suzanne Collins wrote it so that it was in Katniss' head, how almost every move was explained - or, if it wasn't, how you always knew Katniss would act. In the beginning of your book, you need to set up the character's traits and thought process so that, later in the book, when the action happens, the characters reactions don't seem disingenuous. I don't feel I know Ruth enough by this point - and I'm two chapters in. She just seems like she's wandering around, confused, and I guess that says something about her, but make sure she has some agency in this. (Agency is the ability of a character to act and make their own decisions. Agents drive the story and provide reasons for their actions - even if said action is just sitting by and letting someone else make decisions. For instance: "Lucas seems to know what he's doing, so I make the decision to trust him, even though I'm not sure if it's the right one yet. I'll just have to keep an eye on him.")

I think you should check out the Elements of Style by E.B. White and William Strunk. It's more of a guide to technical writing, but I think some of its lessons could really help you. It's an excellent book and great investment. It'll help you with your essays, too, in high school and definitely in college (assuming you plan to go to college.) Your writing is fairly to the point, but you have a few areas where I think you get bogged down in making a verb a noun rather than just letting it exist as a verb. That book has a lot of other helpful lessons, too, and I think they do an excellent job of justifying everything.
Also, I'm assuming this is going to be about near-death experiences, but I didn't know what they were until I was seventeen and had one. I did a report on them in my junior year of college - they're really fascinating. They seem to differ across cultural and religious beliefs, but there isn't a whole lot of research into them. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I encourage you to do research. =) The majority are positive, but some are of a blank, empty void, and a small proportion are hellscapes. You might also want to check out the chemical compound Dimethyl-tryptamine. It's classified as a drug because it can be smoke and is used in the psychoactive ayahuasca, but it seems to have properties similar to the near-death experience and is typically secreted when we are born, dream, and die. I don't think you should try using it or anything, but I thought it was interesting to compare the trips to near-death experiences.
Sorry if this is repetitive to you or anything, but this was a huge research subject for me and I continue to be really obsessed with it. =P I had an excellent book at one point, but I can't remember the title and it was from the library. )=
Anyways, this got long. I'm still interested! I think you just need to keep fleshing this out. =)

[Forgotten14]

Again, thank you for the fabulously long and descriptive review. I do see what you mean by actually developing the character so that you can figure out their traits and reactions. Gotta practice on my characterization a bit more~
I have noticed that in the beginning of this whole project that it does have some traits that are in the Hunger Games, and I really want to avoid that because no one likes to read the same thing twice.
I've been having so many problems trying to figure out my whole "past and present tense" situation, and I decided for going present tense and I just went through a really quick revision to fix all of that, so of course I missed a good portion of it. But I also suck at it a bit, so I find it hard to really... figure out how a sentence works with it's past and present tense.
I need to go and spend a weekend just going down and dirty to fix all of this up, because you're also right about her realizing what she's wearing, which I never really took into account to fix (lazy me.) And I also realize that she's a bit too clingy (that's sort of a trait that I have) and I really don't want her to be that dependent on someone.
I don't know. I started this story last year and was in a bit of a rush to finish it, which of course, means that there's going to be tons of problems that need to be straightened out.
Thank you though, still, for just taking the time to write all of this. It really means a lot, like, I've just created a little document of your revision and reviews to see and find out what I really need to fix.
Oh well, Thanks so much though, it means a lot~

[Emma Olsen]

I just want to say: clingy is FINE. Having her be dependent on others and learn how to not be dependent is a fabulous character arc, but she needs to be rationalizing it the whole time: 'oh, he seems to know much more than I do, I should listen to him.' Know what I mean? She may not be the one making decisions, but she's the one deciding to go along with them, know what I mean? So she has to say 'oh, this option seems better than whatever I'd do.' It's totally okay for her to not want to take actions on her own, but giving her agency would mean that she is constantly saying WHY she is letting someone else decide for her, know what I mean?

Do you want to maybe email some of this to me or something? That way I could print it out and just write corrections. I can tell you're struggling with tense, but it's so time-consuming to note out every instance by copying and pasting that I've just been trying to generally say things. A physical copy would be easier for me to edit for that line-by-line stuff and it might help you more than trying to find it on your own right now.

[Forgotten14]

I wouldn't have a problem letting you go ahead and doing a whole tense fixture. But like, I don't want to be a bother of time. Like, I'm absolutely positive you have a life to get to and, I just don't want to be a pain or something. But of course, you're willing to do it, so that means that I'm probably not really a pain or anything... I don't know.
And also, it's basically because I'm still a student in school that I'm suffering in some parts of English like tenses but of course, our class hasn't gone over any of this. I'm learning through other resources like the internet to help me learn more about because I just suck at it badly.
If you really would like to, then I wouldn't have a problem.
I mean, your a constructive critic about this stuff and like, I look at you as a role model already for just being so through with your reviews... I'm rambling.
Oh well, I'll send it to you if you'd like.

[Emma Olsen]

I'm flexible with my time. I mostly do freelance, so I make my own schedule and since I managed to break my toe two days ago the time I'd be spending working out is now gone. lol I wouldn't mind doing it. Your story idea intrigues me and I think this has potential. I can't guarantee I'll have it for you right away, but I'd be fine with working on it if it'd help. I think it'd help you to just see it and be able to copy it, you know?

[Forgotten14]

Yeah, I get. Kind of like a reference for how to write this and for future reference.