What's My Name?

I pull my body up quickly, hoping that everything that I just experienced was unreal, or a horrid thought. Sweat glazes over my face, and my breathing, rather heavy. My throat is parched and raspy. I can still feel the impression of someone's hands was wrapped around my neck, forbidding me to breath. 

There is a combination of a sweet and stingy taste in my mouth and nose. Could it have been alcohol? I hold my breath for a moment, trying to calm my nerves. Until the pressure starts to build up, I let go, sighing.

I pull my fingers up to my face, my eyes were swollen with the belief that I may have been shedding tears related to the raw feeling around my neck. It made sense.

The last thing that I remember were those lights. Bright, piercing lights that were in my face. Lights that hurt your eyes when you look at them for the first time. Like staring at the sun, even if it's just for a second you'd become blind for moments after. 

And that sudden rush of pain that coursed through my body, particularly in the back of my head, right before it went dark. There is the tight pull of gravity on my body, pulling me down, but it was a delayed feeling, because I'm already on the ground. But here I am. I don't hurt, nor is there pain. 

Maybe it was just a dream. I must have been me hallucinating or something, but my body tells me otherwise. My hands are quivering, like they are freezing. But it's only in the tips, that I still have warmth.

My senses are not responding. It's as if they've been in a hiatus for a while My ears are buzzed, my vision is distorted.

I look at my surroundings, everything ran in frames. There are a few windows, no glass panning on any of them. And up in the sky, framed by the window, is the moon peeking around the top left corner, larger than what I've ever seen. 

My hearing clears, and I collect the noise of crickets that soothe the pounding of my heart. It feels better not having a beating in my ears. Pulling air through my mouth, I calm myself.

I sit on cold, rough concrete flooring, crude yellow, dirty walls surround me. Cracks sprawl across them, jag and cross one another to the point where they create plates, and they would chip off, leaving a big pale hole in the wall. There is no door where there should be one, just a clear doorway. Adjacent from here, is another building, a replica of the one that I rest in.

I look down to see what I'm wearing: A white dress with a blue stripe across the hem; and a thigh length black cardigan. Along with thigh-high socks and calf-length boots.

For some reason, it was calming. Relaxing. But at the same time, uncomfortable. There a sense that it's much too safe and secure for it to seem like everything was okay, because something isn't. A grievous feeling, maybe. It makes my stomach churn just thinking about it. The cold makes me ill, especially on the concrete. 

A light gust of wind bursts through the window, pushing a few small strands of hair across my face. I pull my hair out to my side. A silky, smooth tress of dark brown. I give it a quick whiff, clean, but not out-of-the-shower clean.

I try to stand up, my legs raw beneath my body, like I have been sleeping for a millennia. I sway a bit in the process, trying to regain the balance that I didn't seem to have. My head begins to spin, creating tunnel vision. I force myself to lean against the dry and cold wall. Dust collects on it, and a puff goes right into my face and up my nose. A mixture of a wheeze and a whine escapes from me.

When I finally reach the mouth of the door, it's dead silent. There is swaying grass that goes up to my ankles, and multiple buildings. They look like they are small apartments but by the dozens in endless, organized rows.

There isn't a road, or a car, or other people. Nothing else is man made besides the dusty housing. The way everything should be, like a normal town, none of that is here. Everything looks abandoned, and it seems like I'm the only one here.

"Ahh!" Someone screams in a loud pitch, making me crinkle my nose and shrug my shoulders.

I turn my head, hearing the hair raising noise. Someone is in trouble, or at least that's what I get out of it. I make my way towards it. Soon after, I start to jog,  listening to it repeat in my head, echoing off the sides of my skull. At least they now prove that I'm not the only one here.

Something rustled behind me. I turn my head to see what it is, but there was nothing at all. Just my shadow that was created by the pale milkyness from the moon and the wavering of blades of grass. I gulp, probably just paranoia from a eerie looking place. 

What is going on? Where am I?

Who am I?

I halt for a moment, trying to collect an answer.

My eyes focus to the ground, my mind wandering, lingering for a piece of information. Searching, I still can't find it anywhere in my memory. 

Could I have forgotten it? Maybe I have amnesia. A simple name, that's all that I'm looking for. It is easy and delicate, but I can't place my finger on it.

 What am I going to do? The constant screaming that rang in my head, it muted itself. 

But it's just not here. I scan every inch of what I can recall: lights; pain. 

My name is gone. Why is there nothing within my mind? There is no collection of memories or ideas or thoughts. I feel empty, like nothing. Vacant.

 It remains silent, besides the crickets going their way. 

I can't be here, I just can't. It doesn't feel natural, my mind tells me that it shouldn't be this quiet. But what is then? What is it supposed to be casual? Normal? I don't know. It's as if there's a chest full of my memories locked away and I don't have the proper key. 

No, there just isn't a key, not even a latch. I'm not allowed to open it.

  This is flat out dangerous. Silence is bad, having no memories is bad, so says my head. My hands tremble, I'm in a horrible situation. I'm not even sure what the situation is.

I try to push the idea away, looking for other people is important right now, my name would come later. Someone might help me. 

I keep walking, my hands clench into fists and soften back down to their normal curl. I look around, but there isn't anything that stands out in particular. All the buildings, they look like the same old mustard yellow that they are. A reproduction of the other that's right next to it in all directions.

 What am I looking? What am I doing now? 

That one sign of life, the person screaming. There was the strange idea that I trusted them, because they were willing to call out to someone.

 The only thing that I can honestly rely on now is the noise of the crickets chirping. 

I sighed, realizing that I have just been walking around aimlessly. I don't know where the screamer is now, I don't even consider where it can be now. Hearing it only once suddenly assumes that I know where it is.

It becomes darker, the moon starts to hide behind long and thick clouds. It starts to get cold, I need to find shelter for the time being, until the sun comes up. I can  just return back to the building that I was in, but with all these similar buildings, of course I forgot.

Glancing behind me, I might recall where I was back then. I unintentionally counted all the buildings that I passed by, and ideally, it is about thirteen, or at least something that was around that number. But it looks so far away, and my legs don't feel so comfortable to go all the way back.

My choices are limited, however. It's either go back there and get some rest, or continue to walk around with no goal until I become tired enough to just fall to my knees and sleep where I please.

The wind is telling me to go inside. So I obey.

I turn around, and start pacing back, feeling like that place is home to me now. I wasn't inside it for too long, but my mind wired it to be the place that was meant for me. There was a small connection with it.

My brain is still unsure of what is going on, and I feel okay with that, because I'll regain it somehow. At some point, I'm going to restore what I had lost, then I'll start asking myself questions once more.

But until then, the main question is going to be, what is my name? I find that the most important thing on the list, and it would be a good start for me as well. 

Author's Note

Grammatical errors need to be pointed out, strict critique and reviews, feedback of anything, moral support~

Reviews

[carol]

Okay. lets get started, first things first. WOW. you have got my interest, and I want to read more. BUT, again your writing is too telling, I want you to show me what your character is about, let me in on her personality so I can begin to relate to her. I read the review from Emma, and she did such a great job there is not much left for me critique. but I think again the less is best with describing what she sees and feels and relate it to me through dialogue. I will give you an example I pull my body up quickly, hoping that everything that I just experienced was unreal, or a horrid thought. Sweat glazes over my face, and my breathing, rather heavy. My throat is parched and raspy. I can still feel the impression of someone's hands was wrapped around my neck, forbidding me to breath. I WOULD DELETE THIS PARAGRAPH, AS WELL AS THE SECOND ONE.
I pull my fingers up to my face, my eyes were swollen with the belief that I may have been shedding tears related to the raw feeling around my neck. It made sense. THIS DROWS ME IN, AND CATURES MY ATTENTION, YOU CAN NOW EXPLAIN THE PHYSICAL PAIN AND DISTRESS FROM THIS POINT THROUGH dialogue "Hello" I am startled by the rasp in my voice. I try to speak again, but my throat closes around the words, making it impossible for more than a hoarse whisper to escape my lips, I feel as if I am being strangled, forbidden to breath. HERE YOU ARE STILL SAYING THE SAME THING AS IN YOUR FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHS BUT IT FLOWS MUCH SMOOTHER, AND PEAKS THE READERS INTEREST. MY ADVICE IS TO BACK THROUGH EACH PARAGRAPH AND PUT IN AS MUCH DIALOGUE TO REPLACE THE DISCRIPTIVENESS, AND REALLY LET US IN ON WHO THE MAIN CHARATOR IS. I AM NEW WRITER AS WELL, AND THE BEST THING I DID WAS JOIN A SMALL WRITERS GROUP, THAT TOOK THE TIME TO NOT JUST CRITIQUE MY WORK BUT SHOW ME HOW TO IMPROVE IT, I TOO WAS VERY DISCRIPTED, ALL TELLING AN NO SHOWING. MY FIRST ROUGH DRAFT OF MY BOOK HAD VERY LITTLE DIALOGUE, AND IT LET MY CHARACTORS FADE, I WENT BACK AND SLOWLY, CHAPTER BY CHAPTER, TOOK THIER ADVISE AND REWOTE THEM, NOT ONCE, BUT SEVERAL TIMES. AND YET WHEN I SUBMIT THEM FOR REVIEW, OTHER WRITERS STILL POINT OUT WHERE I CAN IMPROVE. I KNOW IT IS HARD TO PUT YOUR WRITING OUT THERE, IT IS LIKE BARING A PEICE OF SOUL FOR THE WORLD TO SEE, AND EVEN HARDER TO HAVE SOMEONE FIND FAULT IN WHAT YOU HAVE WRITEN, BUT THIS WRITING GROUP SEEMS TO BE MADE OF OTHER WRITERS WHO REALLY WANT TO HELP YOU, TURN YOUR LABOR OF LOVE INTO SOMETHING AMAZING, AND I THINK YOU ARE GOING TO BE A GREAT WRITER.

[theladygraceling]

There isn't much left to say because I think carol and Emma covered basically all of it (and I see that you did take their advice). I read their reviews and agree that what you have written is excellent, especially for someone your age. You're very descriptive and you do a good job of helping the reader feel like they are there in the story. The first chapter is very captivating. I like the way you wrote the part where the main character is trying to remember her name. I like how I can read her thoughts directly and know what she or he is thinking. This is a great first chapter and I will be reading the next few. Wonderful job. And I agree with carol that you are going to be a great writer.

[Emma Olsen]

Heyo! I'm surprised this hasn't got more views. I think it's a provocative opening. There are definitely quite a few things you can work on, but, overall, I think you write in an interesting, engaging way. Your main issue is clarity, both in writing style and in your main themes and descriptions.

"I pulled my body up quickly, feeling as if everything that I just suddenly encountered was real." This is your opening sentence and I really think you need to work on it for clarity. The 'suddenly' should go and I think 'encountered' is the wrong verb. Too passive. It sounds like she was assaulted somehow, so 'experienced' or some such verb should work better. If she thinks it's real, I'm not sure why she's actually phrasing it like this at all? I would think it'd be more notable if it was somehow unreal or odd because, since you're not explicitly saying what happened yet, so I'm not sure how unrealistic the situation is. (Also, how substantial is her amnesia? You make it very confusing later on. I'll point out phrases, but if she's got substantial amnesia, how does she have a frame of reference for 'real' or strange or anything?)
"Sweat matted my face, and my breathing WAS rather heavy." I think, also, 'matted,' though colorful, is the wrong verb:
mat·ted
ˈmatid/
adjective
adjective: matted

1.
(esp. of hair or fur) tangled into a thick mass.

I think you're describing things too obliquely. You've got nice descriptions in there, but the way you phrase it makes it sound distant. Here's a revision, for example, of how to make the descriptions more present: "I'm parched and my throat is raspy. I can still feel the impression of someone's hands around my neck, forbidding me to breath. A sweet and rotten taste is in my mouth and nose - the taste of alcohol." Try to avoiding using 'felt' or 'feels' when describing something and just jump straight into what is felt instead. You should also avoid 'kind of' unless you're using it to establish the way a character talks. Try to be direct. I think this is the biggest issue with your writing right now, because your vocabulary and images are quite nice. Your phrasing is really awkward in some places because of it. If you want, I can do a full revision, but hopefully I've explained myself well enough that you can just revise it yourself. =P
I'm a little confused about the descriptions. She seems to be describing how she feels right in that moment, but then she says she doesn't feel any pain after describing it? I'm a bit lost. Clear that up. I'm not sure if she's describing what happened to her or the now. If she's describing the past you might want to include some indication of what actually happened (did someone hit her or something?) I think the fact that we don't know why she was hurt will keep the reader going rather than this confusion as to what, exactly, happened. You don't need to give us a specific blow-by-blow, but this abstract reference to getting hurt is more confusing than anything.
"It could have been... A dream within a dream? But enough silly thinking. Things like that were impossible." lol I've had multiple dreams within dreams. =P It's definitely not impossible and I'm not sure that speculation is necessary here? It stands out. I'm not sure if this is some allusion to a later plot point, but I'd suggest you first define what 'it' is and then just have something where she wonders if it was a dream. I don't understand why it would be a dream within a dream because I'm not sure what the original dream is versus the dream within that dream?
"But that truly left me forced to believe that I was somewhere else." As opposed to where? Was she in a different place when she was assaulted?
This paragraph is confusing and a bit wordy, I tried to edit it to get at what I think you meant: "I'm in a room with a few windows, but none of them have glass. The moon shines in through them, much larger than I've ever seen it. The noise of crickets is soothing, and I close my eyes to collect the sound, trying to replace the pounding of my heart. I take a deep breath, calming myself." (The prehistoric movie bit didn't make sense to me? I've never noticed that before. It might just be me, though.)
Watch out for tense. Are you past tense or present? Personally, I like this better in a present tense because I think first person just sounds better in present, but do what you will. Just decide on one or the other, you're combining them right now.

When you get into the more descriptive part, where she's actually moving and going somewhere, this is a lot better because it has a setting anchoring it. Giving the reader a beginning image of the place might really help with some of the confusion in the beginning. I had too many questions, you know? Give the reader what is known so they have a frame of reference for normal in your world and introduce questions alongside that. It'll make it easier to process everything.
"listening to the continuous pleading noise repeat in my head." I didn't associate 'pleading noise' with the scream. Either add some word like 'desperate' to the aforementioned scream or change the word 'noise.'
"Then, something rushed behind me." Maybe something like: "I heard something behind me." Puts us more in the character's head.
"But it wasn't there." What is 'it?' I know it's a name, but just say that she's looking for her name here because I wasn't sure immediately and I stopped reading to look for the answer. Always try to avoid making the reader stop. Don't give them any excuse. ;P
"Of all the things that I knew right now, was that I should be in a hospital by now, or in an ambulance." What DOES she know? Maybe have her recount all that? I'm not sure if she's on our world or a fantasy world right now. Some idea of her background, even if it's vague things, will be helpful to at least try to place her. Clearly she doesn't know who she is, but is there anyone or thing that's important? Even if she only remembers things that are basics in her culture, it still places her in her culture. Saying she remembers enchiladas, for instance, tells us she's probably from Mexico or the United States. Know what I mean? Stupid things that don't seem relevant can become very pertinent clues.
"It's the type of dangerous that will lead me into jail if I do something wrong. But of course, I can't tell if it's wrong since I know nothing." This is the part that really confused me as to her amnesia. She says she knows nothing, but she's talking about jail and ambulances and has words to describe her situation, so that's clearly not the case. If she remembers those things, why wouldn't she remember some basic moral code or set of laws? This, too: "Why was there nothing within my mind? There were no collected memories or ideas or thoughts. I felt like a newborn child. I am empty. I am nothing." Does she have more recollection than she realizes? I would think even stupid things would be things I grasped onto to try to figure out who I was. Looking at things like my clothes, my hair, my face if I can't remember anything. Trying to figure out how I know the words I can clearly use. Seeing if this knowledge about ambulances and jails lead to something more concrete. Anyways, I'm beating this into the ground. I think you know what I mean. =P
Watch out for sentence fragments! You have quite a few. They can be effective, but make sure you're breaking the rules for some purpose, you know? Since you're in a character's head it's alright to screw up grammar and spelling, so long as that's your intention and you make the voice consistent (and still understandable.) Flowers for Algernon shows this, if you're interested into looking at that more.

Overall, this is a good start. You've introduced tension well and, though your phrasing is clumsy sometimes, you do have a unique and interesting way of describing scenes and situations. I'll look through your other chapters later, when I have some time, but keep working at it. =)

[Forgotten14]

Wow... Thank you for putting all this effort into this. It does more than mean a lot to me. I feel like crying honestly.
I'm really appreciative for reviewers like you, how you put effort and examples into the critique like this.
Matted, I would say that you are correct that it does seem incorrect.
My writing is a mixture of past and present tense, and I've been trying to do my best to dig myself out of that hole. But also, I'm still a bit of an amateur when it comes to writing, so I do have a bit of difficulty when it comes to properly... writing. I think it's the fact that I'm writing in a mysterious tone, that I lack at this sort of writing. I want to add the suspicion and have the reader follow along with the mystery, but I do see where you're coming from about the confusion.
The entire "dream within a dream" is my own reference, I've never been in one before, so... But to know that it's possible (thanks to you) will surely help me clarify that.
I've heard from many people that in prehistoric movies, the moon is usually rather close to the Earth due to it's sudden impact and gravitational pull and things related to that sort of scheme. I'll be sure to kick that out when I come to re-revising it.
I'll be sure to try and prevent the wandering for the source of the name. I do not, want that at all.
The entire section with the ambulance and the hospital and jail, I completely agree with you on that because it was my original thought about it; I mean, she knows nothing!
Sentence fragments, I try to avoid those, but I still fail at that occasionally, so thank you for pointing that out.
I have read Flowers for Algernon, and I agree with you that you need to have words jumbled up occasionally.
Thank you though, very much.
Just for reading this, I mean, I'm so grateful. I'll surely be using your review as a "basis" for structure, which, I'm assuming you have a better grasp on writing than I do, because I'm still in high school.
I appreciate it though. I'm very dedicated to you~

[Emma Olsen]

I'm glad you're putting your work out there. =) It's my pleasure to try to help out. I'd rather write one thorough review than twenty 'this is cool' ones.
I think the main issue with clarity came from a lot of your structuring in your sentences and that you didn't set the scene when you first started writing. Starting off with confusion is fine, but you want to make sure you slowly resolve some of it otherwise you have too much chaos and not enough impetus for the reader to get going. (If you've ever seen the TV series Lost that's a really good example of my point.)
Yeah, I actually have had a few dreams where I've started to become lucid and aware I was dreaming and then woke up into another dream and kept doing it until I woke up. Dreams are a weird medium to describe. Also, I've never noticed that about prehistoric movies. I guess it makes sense, since the moon's spinning away from us. It's fine to include it, but it might be another 'where did she get that from?' detail, too. Just be careful with the amnesia what you include and what you don't. There's also an assumption in there that being homeless is a bad thing, just so you're aware of it. It's fine for her to be amnesiac and know some things, but she needs to say something like: 'how did I know that?'
About Flowers for Algernon, I just wanted to clarify, I meant that as an example of a manner of writing which reflected the character. When you're in a character's head, you should talk like they would, whether it's short and choppy or long and flowing. That's all I mean. I think that book does a good job of showing his relative intelligence level in relation to how he constructs sentences and uses words. I just mean to say, bad grammar should usually be avoided, but if you do it, make sure it's consistent with a character. =)
Of course! Just keep writing. You do have talent, you just need practice. =)