The Wrong Survivor

Upon coarse verses does my soul endure,

Your eyes say you love me,

But your speech tells me otherwise,

Just as Lucifer cannot be trusted,

I find interference in your tone,

Disbelief in your vision,

You see me as a shattered mirror,

There's enough to reflect your wrinkled face,

But not enough to believe it's you.

Upon days of abuse from your wicked tongue,

I find myself stranded inside,

Not sure how to escape from my prison,

Alone in the dark like a child is my soul,

Just waiting for someone to hold it's spectral hand,

I am but a survivor,

Though I begin to believe,

That maybe I was the wrong one.

O brother and sisters,

Those who reside behind the golden gates,

I seek forgiveness for the life I have wasted,

The life that should have been yours,

Though your fragile bodies could not trump,

Over your willingness to survive,

I ask myself as the days end and begin,

As the survivor...

Would they have done things differently...

Would they still have the mothers love?

The love my mother seems to have lost for me.

Author's Note

I have brothers and sisters that died a childbirth, my mother and I do not see eye to eye. We constantly fight and she's not told me she loves me for over 6 years now, more and more days seem to pass that she makes me feel like the wrong child survived.

Reviews

[TL Boehm]

oh, this one is wrenching. Even more so when i read the author note, but it comes through with stark realism in the poem. "you see me as a shattered mirror" that speaks volumes.
I come from generations of people who were casual with their children. There is no fix - for them, for your mother, but for you - I say - love is a choice - if a parent doesn't choose to love a child - that doesn't diminish the child - only the mother. That sounds harsh - but you didn't choose to survive at the expense of your siblings. But you can choose to live a complete life. You - you are worthy and deserving of love. That is all that needs to be said. This poem? Made me cry because I have experienced similar treatment from my parents. But, I've learned to adapt and be a human even if they weren't. Sounds trite - but my heart tells you - its her loss.

[Forgotten]

Well thank you =D Since I wrote this I've actually come to terms with it a lot more now, which I suppose it good. I've adapted to not need acceptance from anyone, especially my mother, but I'm really happy you liked the poem :)

[Katherine R.]

Sorry about your family....

That aside, this is an extremely well written piece. You should be proud of it.

[Forgotten]

Thank you, yeah my family isn't great but I get by

[Jack...]

My friend, I have experienced this as well. Two btothers and a sister who died at child birth, though my mother always showed me love, my father and I did not see things the same...so I moved 1800 miles away and made my life my own. This is a very sad piece and it touched me deeply.

[Forgotten]

I'm sorry to hear that, I wish I could have met my siblings though if they had survived I never would have been born so in that fact it's a double edged sword. Thank you for your review

[Robbie~xoxo~]

This breaks my heart...
To doubt your existence is haunting...You should not harbor such feelings based on what "could have been".
True, a mother's love shapes the core of who we are, but it's up to you....how you live your life will affect others in positive or negative way.
I believe we all have a propose in life, even if it's to touch one person....( You were meant to be here, my friend.)
A poignant write...well expressed.~xoxo~

[Forgotten]

Thank you Robbie, it's not a great way to feel but some days it feels like I've become so used to it that I'm numb to her verbal abuse. Thank you for your review

[kublakhan27]

Wow, there is so much to think about in this piece...sadly they are all negative and resentful. Before I got to the last stanza, I was reading it through the eyes of a girl that takes on the relationship with those coveted "bad boys" and seeing them as a reclamation project as opposed to a boyfriend. When I realized what was going on here, I was hurt and angered. Much of our youth's shortcomings in recent generations has to do with lousy parenting. I hope you don't mind the frankness here, but this woman is not worthy of being your mother. This is a subject I'm very sensitive about, and you've presented with the detail that only ones who has lived it can present. I'm sure I don't need to tell you that you're better than what she wants you to believe. One of the most powerful and saddening pieces of poetry that I have read in a while.

[Forgotten]

Thank you, she's still my mother so deep down I have to love her whether or not. Though some days I just wish she'd see me as something other than what I could have been. Thank you for your review

[KAOlmsted]

All you can do is love her. That, in and of itself, should be its own balm. In the end, you will have the great satisfaction of knowing you did all you could to heal her wounded soul. There is an abundance of sorrow in this piece, and, as a mother, I could not imagine the grief that must debilitate a woman who has lost a child. That she demonstrates her grief by alienating you, the survivor, might be foreign to some, but perfectly understandable for others. Not knowing you, or your family dynamic, I can only speculate by transferring my own feelings to this piece, which is to say, sometimes it is easier to avoid emotions when the alternative is to feel so deeply, that when the inevitable crushing loss presents itself, you cannot handle the blow. Not justifying, mind you. Merely stating my visceral reaction to this piece. And I thank you for sharing it.

[Forgotten]

I understand what you mean, I understand why she is the way she is, though it pains me knowing I cannot do anything to help her in this state. Thank you for your review

[KAOlmsted]

My pleasure.

[Sami Khalil]

Sorry for your loss(es). I hope you sort out things with your mom someday...Thank you for sharing...:)........

[Forgotten]

I hope so too, though it's not going to happen anytime soon, thank you for your review

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...:).............

[John Alexander McFadyen]

This is Avery poignant poem which is also very brave and open. It flows well and conveys your true emotions so certainly. As to the sentiments. Your mother may still after all this time have unresolved grief over her losses and she may carry the burden of guilt and feelings of being inadequate as a woman for having not been able to deliver your siblings into the world safely. Her feelings for you are more about her own grief. Pushing you away confirms her own feelings that she is not a fit mother. Stay focused on making your own life good and keep loving your mother but do not force it.

[Forgotten]

I do love my mother, I just don't love how she makes me feel sometimes. Thank you for your review

[icelandicblue]

Oh that's just awful. Grief sometimes warps people and they can find no joy anywhere. I am sorry that you feel this pain and your poem speaks of your prison and your struggle. I hope that a time will come where there will be a breakthrough and a healing for both of you. We so often lament what we have lost and neglect that which we have and when it is a child...well there are no words that can truly comfort you but to say I am deeply moved by your poem.

[Forgotten]

Thank you for reading, I think I've grown accustomed to feel that way sometimes when I'm around her but I guess deep down it's never how I want to feel

[icelandicblue]

Of course you don't want to feel that. Traumas changes families and you can never predict what they will do. I am so sorry for your suffering.