Chapter 10 This One...

Saturday 19^th May

 

For half an hour, I and Cameron talked about music; the night sky glistened with stars and the glowing moon. It was pure bliss. We realised we had so much in common about music, like our favourite genre of music, favourite band and what concerts we’d love to go to in the future.

            It only made me like him even more, which I tried so hard not to.

So, now me and him sat on a paint peeling metal bench with melted ice cream at the end that smelt bitter sweet. Cameron sat opposite me with my folder on the bench surface, closed.

            I always saw his hair gently fall into his eyes, his half smile that drives me crazy.

“We actually gunna rehearse, yet?” He did another half smile, beaming white teeth showing, and I seen he had quite long canines which reminded me of Avril Lavigne in a way.

            “Alright,” I smiled, feeling like jack hammers were going off in my stomach. Being around him made me have butterflies, but it felt even more awkward to sing in front of him. “Choose one.” I pushed the cold folder over to him; he just stared down at it.

            Opening it and flipped pages, it made me more anxious. Finally, he settled on a page and I seen a slight smile with narrowed eyes. Maybe a look of sympathy? Oh God, I bet he found a miserable or depressing song.

            “This one’s...” He rolled off, and automatically wished I hadn’t let him look through the story of my life. I closed my eyes and was ready for a horrid song he was going to pick. “’Last Day.’” He looked up at me with a glint in his eye, and finally, a band around my lungs slowly unwound.

            I knew that song perfectly well. It was a song I wrote a few days into the self harming recovering stages, when my father left, the pain I felt was written into this song. It was a special song to me, a song to let people know I wasn’t weak anymore, that I had fought till the end and destroyed the pain that lurked by me.

            “Oh.” I also just realised that song held so many secrets; so many repressed memories weaved into those lyrics. “I like that one.” I smiled, and surprised myself to feel it was a genuine smile.

            “And are these the chords?” He pointed to the chords I wrote underneath them. I nodded quite shyly, feeling my heart thud, knowing he liked a song I wrote. “I love this line, ‘they’re done, I’m done, and this isn’t fun. Stop making me your f*****g excuse.’” He recited some of the lyrics from the last verse, I think.

            “That song means so much to me.” I bubbled, trying not to let my mind reel back to those dark times. The days where I thought I would always be miserable, where I thought I’d die. I thought I would suffer alone, having no one understand me. Except Lucy. She was my wall when my mother was grieving and my brother was drinking until he’d black out. No one would help me, but Lucy would make me crack a smile, would take me out to forget about the trauma left at a broken home.

            I’ve never had a friend like Lucy; she is one of a kind. And that’s why I’d never break our trust, or hurt her. But liking Cameron makes me feel like I’ve betrayed her, feels like I’ve stabbed her in the back while I laugh with Cameron. I don’t want to stop, then again, I don’t want to lose Lucy.

            “Hey, hey.” I didn’t see Cameron move or feel his arms around me. I just snapped out of them moments where I go into another world. He brought me back, and I laid eyes on his face crafted by the moonlight, his eyes sparkling like fire crackers, his skin so warm and arms to strong. He wiped at my eyes which I squinted.

            Tears? I was crying? This is what he was seeing, a girl crying like an uncontrollable idiot.

“Oh, my God.” I whimpered, slightly pushing Cameron away, making my chest ache a little. I didn’t want him to see me this sloppy, this, weak.

            “It’s alright; we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to.” He hushed me, gently stroking my hair to soothe me. I felt like a feather in his hands, so light I might fly away if he didn’t hold on tight. 

            “No, I wanna do it.” I was persistent, I loved this song I created, and I wanted to show the people I know that I’m strong enough to survive. “I just went through a tearful moment there, won’t happen again.” I smiled, I cracked a little. I think he saw through it, because he did another half smile, and backed away from me to stand in front of me.

            “You know, it’s alright to let go of a little anger.” He said before turning to sit back down. “So...Where’d you want to start?”

 

                                   ♥

 

 

I arrived home at eight at night, and God only knows...Wait, I believe everyone knows who was waiting at the door.

            “So, I can only think of two guesses.” A few weeks ago, I had really hurt Callum by telling him he wasn’t ‘dad’ in the middle of an argument. Thankfully, the next day, when I apologized, he just hugged me tight. He told me he only had one sister, and he was glad it was me.

            “Well, hello to you too.” I brushed past him with my folder shielded across my chest into the living room where my mother sat eating a plate of bangers and mash. I shuddered, there’s nothing more I hate than sausage with mash, it’s just wrong, especially with gravy toppled over it. “Hi mum.” I kissed her cheek and she smiled, her mouth clearly too full, she looked like a hamster.

            “Don’t think you can squeeze your way out of it, you.” Callum followed me into the kitchen, placed my song folder by the bench near the fridge and where I resided by the sink and poured myself a cup of water. “It was either you and Lucy hanging out, or you and Mr Perfect frolicking under the night stars.”

            I looked at him, amused.

“Seriously, what dude your age says ‘frolicking’?” I asked with grin on my face, he just tucked his hands in his pockets while he lolled his head back but kept a firm eye lock on mine. “And when did you learn such beautiful poetry, hmm?” I smiled and went to a cupboard and pulled out a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

            “Funny-“

“I know, right!” I giggled, making myself cringe fro laughing at my own jokes that I actually found hilarious.

            “So you were with that d****e.”

            “D****e...Really?”

            “Fine, how about cradle snatcher?”

I choked on a crisp then, and Callum came over and slammed his fat hand on my back and a sharp piece of crisp flew out of my mouth and hit the floor. My throat stung, and even worse when I talked.

            “Callum, he’s the same age as me!” I exhaled quickly; my throat felt like it was swelling quick. I straightened up and gave him a hard look.

            “Still...” He was snubbed, couldn’t even think of a comeback.

“Callum, calm down, we’re just friends. He won’t steal me.” I chuckled, but in his eyes, it looked like that’s what he felt like was going to happen.

            With my body filling with guilt, I patted him on the shoulder and kissed his cheek before I scrambled up the stairs before grabbing my folder from the bench.

 

Thankfully, I shut the door before hearing Callum’s booming voice say ‘I still don’t trust him, Dawny.’ He must seriously think I’m still five years old.

            But when I got in my cool room, I flopped on the bed and felt my heart pound when I recalled what happened a few hours ago.

            Me and Cameron stood in the middle of the park, he sat on the concrete floor with the sheet music by him. He played the soft but fast chords. It was chilling to hear him play my music, chilling and warming.

It did strange things to me. I wanted to cry with happiness, I felt my chest throb and my heartbeat in my ears, feel my own pulse in my lips as I pressed them together. I never wanted to be with anyone like I did for Cameron. It felt like he knew me...And the thing is, I don’t know anything about him which terrifies me. I mean, what if he is the total opposite of what I imagined him to be?

            Then when I began to sing, I cracked. I never wanted to turn into a mouse before in my life then that time. My throat squeezed up like a grape into a raisin. He just looked at me softly, those calm eyes told me to try again as well as his next spoken words.

            “It’s alright, we’ll start from the beginning.” His smile felt like a stress relief tablet for me. And I swallowed it up.

            I started again, and as I stared into the dark night, I felt my chest unwind. My mind telling me it’s alright, you’re safe, and it’s just you and Cameron.

            I did. I felt safe and secure with him around me. Like I was in another world, and when I sang, I turned to Cameron. As he played, he looked at me incredibly, as if he just saw me beat up a child, or he’s just been shocked. And I pray it’s the later thought.

Today it got to me

I give in to temptation

I let the beast take over me

A little self mutilation

One ‘o’ clock and I regret it now

The red stains clothes

And I don’t know how...

How to succumb to the light...

 

This will be the last day I wield the knife

The last day I try take my life.

I don’t care what people think

I don’t care people say

These are my battle scars

I’ll carry them till the day I die

This

This will be the last day...

 

I had only managed to sing the 1^st verse and chorus before I felt a bit too squeezed out of energy, more or less courage.

            And when Cameron came to a sudden halt with the guitar, I looked down cautiously to find him stare up at me with stars in his deep brown eyes. It’s funny, weeks ago; I didn’t think I’d be this happy around a boy. But he’s a different story, he doesn’t want to pull me in with fakery. He just wanted to be around me, and that’s fine with me. But I didn’t plan on falling so hard.

            I don’t know if  I made the right choice, but I’m glad it’s him I fell for.