Chapter 3 It's Not My Fault.

Monday 23rd April

I sat opposite Lucy as Cameron's friend sat by me, a calm and collected Cameron sat beside Lucy laughing his head off.
                Under the sickly white light, I felt my top cling to me like glue, whenever I moved my muscles, it moved along like a second skin. All I smelt was coffee and burgers, it was making me nautious. I had to keep taking deep but secretive breaths to not be sick in Nick's lap. Oh yeah, the dude next to me was called Nicholas Remedy.
                Whenever he could, he'd give me sideways looks and edge his hand a bit closer to miine on the table that I so badly want to stab it with a fork.
                Lucy in fits of giggles made me feel a slight tsunami within me, like a surge of adrenaline. It was frustrating because it was Cameron making her laugh. Her light eyes almost watering and her chest on the table from a possible stitch.
                Why am I like this? Why do I have a sudden feeling to just punch my bestfriend? I've never felt like this before, and quite honestly. It scared the living hell out of me, especially since Lucy was more like a sister than a bestfriend.
                 The rain still thundered down on the grounds, causing a little floor in the streets, clogging the drains and drenching people outside. A gustly wind make people's umbrellas go belly up and drag them a little.
                 "That's so funny!" Lucy snorted and laughed even more, it even made Cameron and Nick sputter from his drink and burst into laughter. And there was me. Just sitting in a drink that was Cameron's, and unamused, with a drink like mine made my clothes act like a bodysuit. "Don't you think, Dawny?"
                  "Mm, what?" I was in my own little world where I wanted to be back in the disabled toilets again with Cameron that I totally blanked out everyone else. I awoke with a smile that was clearly fake.
                   "Cameron's dog in a batman costume?" She scrunched up her face like she'd smelt something bad. Probably my bad atmosphere.
                   Cameron leaned over and showed me on his iPhone a black Pug with large eyes in a batman costume. I just did a half smile like boys do and leaned further in my seat. "Yeah, funny." I didn't mean to sound so flat, but I didn't want to be here anymore. I mean, watching Lucy and Cameron laugh like they're lovers made me want to smash their heads together. It was infuriating.
                   "What's wrong, Dawny?" Lucy flatered and looked at me seriously. I just stared outside which was directly facing me a few feet away. I so wanted to run away.
                   "Nothing." I sighed and took the last gulp of my fizzy water that I tried to make last so I didn't have to talk when I drank it. Now I had to talk.
                   "There is." Lucy folded her arms and looked at Cameron and Nick, having a sad exoression on her face. "Dawn went through a rough patch a few years ago." My eyes instinctively sharpened my eye contact on Lucy, my hands suddenly shaking.
                   No matter what, Lucy has no right to sell my personal life to create banter for the guy she likes, just so she seems like the world's bestfriend. I had to look the other way to not want to smack her. My skin shivered and my teeth gritted together, trying to not let the past totally cover my whole mind.
                   However, Cameron and Nick leaned closer, wanting more of my life I didn't want either of them to know.
                   "She didn't know where to go, so she went to me." Lucy linked her fingers together and placed them on the table next to her full glass. She hasn't even touched it since she talked to Cameron. "Her family-"
                   "That's enough, Luce." I said through tight lips. Everyone looked at me as if I killed a bunny. I gave the boys a cool glare while I gave Lucy a menacing one.
                   "Anyway," Lucy ignored it. "At a young age, her parents-"
"I said that's enough!" I shouted. This time, I got everyone's attention in the whole Cafe. Every child, man, women, girl, boy and reception lady's stare were on me. Lucy looked at me shatteringly. I couldn't help it this time. She was selling my life to people I didn't know.
                   My anger was now at peaking point and I was shaking like a leaf in a windstorm. I felt my own nostrils flare without me noticing it. It scared me how angry I became, especially at Lucy. The girl that's been by my side since I can ever remember. I counted on her at the worst times, times where I felt like dying it was so unbearable. But here she sat, giving apologizing looks  at the boys while giving me painful stares.
                   "Screw this," I hefted my skull bag higher up my shoulder and shoved past Nick. And as I did, I felt his dirty little hand creep up my arse. I flew backwards and gave him a back hander. Lucy gasped and Cameron flinched yet blew a whistle.
                   "You, out."The reception lady was now by my side and had her wrinkly hand on my back. And she pointed at Nick. "You, too."
                   Nick's red face looked bewildered. I looked at Cameron and he looked amused while Lucy looked rooted to the seat, right next to Cameron.
                   "It's fine," I moved swiftly away from the lady who looked troubled. "I was already leaving." I started to walk out until the reception lady repeated herself.
                    "You, too." She looked at Nick who still sat happily. I wish i had worn my spiked ring when I hit him. Next time.
                    "Why me?" He said shockingly.
"You don't touch a women's behind without their permission, young man. Now out." She stepped back and waited for him.
                    "C'mon man." Nick suggested to Cameron who was already standing up, Lucy who looked happy where she sat now wanted to move and be directly next to him. I walked out first and felt the rain pound my head like a massage.
                    Just when I thought I'd break down crying, I knew better. I ran. I inhaled the fresh air deeply, the cold air rushing up and down my nasal passage and it felt good. It felt refreshing. The cold air bit at my skin, making me smile in cool delight. I needed this so much to cool down my heated mood.
                    "Hey!" I heard footsteps in puddles hurdle towards me. And it was Cameron's voice. I felt my face lighten up from him chasing me, yet I was soaking now. My shirt doused in fizzy water, now soaked heavily with rain water.
                    I felt my speed slow down a little and the next thing I knew, he was jogging by my side.
                    "Are you okay?" He jogged by my side, a half smile on his dark lips. And just like that, it made me genuinely smile. I felt my anger get pummeled down my happiness and fullness it was overwhelming. His hair now darker from the rain and his face dotted with water.
                    "Yeah, I am." I finally stopped in a puddle and felt my shoes fill up with water. At least my toes can have a little bath.
                    "Ok, then why did you freak out back there?" He stopped by my side and began to shiver. Well, he only had a thin grey jacket on with black skinny jeans.
                    "'Cause..." I looked back at Lucy and Nick who hung back under the shelter of a bus stop near the Cafe. "I didn't like it." I folded my arms and faced him again. For the worst timing ever, I started to shiver. This so wasn't the best time to be cold and stutter.
                    "You cold?" He shivered and huddled closer to me like a penguin does when it's cold.
                    "No."
                    "You're a good liar."
                    "Is it that obvious?"
                    "Pretty much." He smiled at me with a gleam in his perfect brown eyes. I just thought it was the rain, but I don't think it was. Because just feeling his warmth spreading over me like a coat made me feel lighter, made me feel wanted. I felt like I belonged here, and how I so wanted it to end.
                     "So why did you b***h slap Nick?" That made me giggle. In fact, it made me laugh. And for Cameron make me laugh instead of Lucy made me feel even more warm inside it felt just right.
                     "'Cause he felt me up when I was taking my leave." I retorted back and looked at my feet. Rain still managed to get on my face, and all around us, it just felt more magical. Like it was only us. I'm sure I'm going crazy.
                     "Hah, he's a perv, I'd watch out for him." He smiled again and it made me shiver in delight.
                     "Not sure I wanna see him again." I looked back at them, but  this time, Lucy was staring at me. Her blue eyes penetrating me like a knife through jello. "But I'm pretty sure Lucy wants to see you again."
                     "How can you tell?" He laughed quietly, as if a little embarrassed. And it flared a spark within me, like a cauldron in my chest. Slowly bubbling with liquids unknown. I, again, felt jealous of my bestfriend.
                     "Nevermind." I felt fed up and unwanted now. And I didn't want to go through it. And with that, I started to walk away. This time, I just walked. The feel of rain splashing on my face with great force it felt like it was burning hole through my skin. Unless it was my anger imagination piercing through.
                     "Hey hey hey," He ran up to me again and grabbed my wrist which unfolded my arms. I felt heat and electricity shoot through my every nerve which made me do a double take on him. The rain made my fringe cover my eyes for a split second before I rubbed it out of the way. "C'mon, I'll make Nick apologize-"
                     "It's fine, really." I didn't like to push Cameron away, even though we've only just met. But something powerful was cursing through my veins, and it wasn't anger this time. It was something that made even my rock hard knees weak.
                     "Is it me?" I didn't even know the guy and he was blaming himself for my behaviour? He was unbelieveable, but it made me feel more connected to him.
                     I looked along the floor for a distraction and felt the urge to run.
                     "No."
                     "Okay." He looked down and back at them two before letting my wrist go. I felt as if all of me was freezing and blue while his touch left a red branded mark on my wrist.
                     Then, while free and feeling the muscle in my thighs twitch, I ran. I hated the feel of my heavy bag hitting off my hip, but the slap of my converses in puddles sounded relaxing. I pounded my arms in front of me to go faster. I heaved my lungs with more air to keep on going, and the next thing I knew, I was in my street.
                     I unlocked the front door and zoomed upstairs.
I drew the curtains shut and slammed my door, and stripped to my underwear and put on loose jeans and a black shirt. I flopped on the bed and never wanted to cry so bad.
                     Cameron and Lucy's laughing faces seemed to flitter through my mind like butterflies. Their laughter ringing in my ears and haunting me now. It was killing me and making me go into fetal position. I imagined Lucy telling them my life story and had a fear that Nick and Cameron would burst into giggles. Laughing in my face, it was making me feel bitter and hatred towards them all.
                     "Dawny?" A light knock sounded on my door, my mothers sweet voice trickling inside like honey.
                     "Go away." I said in a clammy voice full with dread. And like any other motherly instincts, she knew it.
                     "Something's up, Dawny." She sighed. "You don't just come pounding in this house like a bull in a china shop and leave the front door open while you slam your door and sulk. Let me in." Her soft voice making me want to cry even more. But I held back. No one was ever going to see me cry. Crying is for weak people. Crying is for people who can't deal.
                     "It's nothing." I cleared my throat while straightening up.
"Okay." Then she walked away. I heard her footsteps down the stairs and into the sitting room. With a heavy sigh that had been bottled up when I ran away from Cameron pelted out, I opened my door and was face to face with Callum.
                     "What's wrong, clown face?" He mused, turning his head side to side to examine me like a student would in science class.
                     "Nothing." I barged past him into the bathroom. The smell of bleach smelt like it would rot away my senses.
                     "Wow," He put the toilet lid down and calmly sat down. "You're a really bad liar."
I began to brush my teeth to ignore and not answer him. I just stared at myself in the mirror, knowing why he called me 'clown face'. My face looked pale from the cold and my dark hair was a bag of mess on my head while grains of my mascara had slowly came from my eyelashes down my face just gently.
                     I spat and rinsed while damping a carner of a face cloth.
"What's wrong?" He said soothingly like an annoying brother.
                     "I said nothing."
                     "Dawny, I've been with you through really tough times where you wish you could die. Where you were at your weakest, where you couldn't turn to anyone so went to Lucy or me. I even heard you cry yourself to sleep at night, and you even went without food for weeks that you almost collapsed. I know-"
                     "You don't know anything!" I turned on the balls of my feet and screamed in his face. Flashed of hurt and bitterness swept across his face as he stood. His cool eyes looked hard and his face to stone.
                     "Every time you're upset or down and people ask to help, you turn them away and try to do it yourself." He said through gritted teeth. "One day, you'll wish for people to help you when you're so low to the ground, that no-one will even try, anymore." And with that, he turned on his heels and exited the bathroom before slowly clikcing the door shut.
                     I stood there frozen, my eyes brimming with tears. I was shaking and gritting my own teeth, my toes bruising from digging into the tiled floor.
                     "It's not my fault." I whispered hoarsly to myself. I looked at my upper arm and seen thin pink scars in rows. "It's not my fault."