Painful Memories

Almost seven months, I miss my father

I still make myself remember,
Make the dark corners or my mind resurface.
Why?
Because I can't forget the love you embraced.

I hate admitting it,
But it's like a knife if my back.
When I research what was wrong,
That made you leave this earth.
If felt like a smack in the face.

It's like electricity.
Powerful and painful.
People will always pity...
Pity the girl whos distraught.

I hate to remember the times I called you,
Said I hated you.
And yet when you were dying in front of me,
You said you still loved me.

How can I be happy with that?
I said I hated you!
I said I never wanted to see you again!
Yet you took my hand in your brittle one,
And said you 'we'ren't going anywhere.'

I still make myself remember the painful memories.
Why?
Because it makes the great memories seem more real,
Because you said I couldn't feel.

I have to admit it.
If there was a chance I could bring you back with a hug.
I'd do it,
Just to know you  were at home warm and snug.

If I could bring you back,
 But you had to be at the other end of the world,
I'd accept it.
Because I'd feel stronger knowing you were alive,

I wish you were back,
It's killing me each day.
I can't think of anything else rather,
To love you in memory, spirit and self,
My great and loving father.