February 2, 2014. Caffeine, silence, and cigarettes.

Filling the page until my mind goes blank.

Does anyone care about or even notice the pain that I feel every single day? No. I’m invisible. I’m just a walking empty vessel, going day to day just counting down the minutes until the next. Constantly reminding myself that I have to stay, so I can’t take the easy way out. There's only one thing I have left that keeps me grounded. However, he’s right, I’m worthless and all I do is cause problems. Everything is my fault, but it’s always out of my control. I’m usually so good at pretending that everything is okay. I was raised to brush everything under the rug, smile, and act like nothing happened, but with him my heart aches far too much to hold back.

''Quit crying, he’s not worth it''. I’ll never believe that.

I’m trying to be the best I can be. I’m doing everything I can to be the best mother, the best friend, the best girlfriend, but instead I’m only a monster.  Some people can’t change the way that they are. Maybe I was just born to be destructive, tearing apart everything in my path… including myself.  Trying not to add another scar, another reminder of how hopeless I am, and trying to push thoughts out of my mind. It’s like there’s something screaming inside of me for help, for anyone to care. Care about me. I’m right here, I need you.  I’m hurting.

Love is just a twisting knife shoved into your back that makes you kneel down like a pathetic, spineless person. Always bending over backwards for everyone but you. It’s a disgusting thing really, more like a plague than a feeling.  Leaving a trail of wretched little pieces behind that you can never seem to pick up and put back together. Abandonment. Pain. Mistrust.  It tricks you into thinking it’s your friend, then leaves and takes a part of you with it. A part you can never get back and never forget you once had. It eats away at you. Piece by piece, you deteriorate into an empty shell of yourself and before you know it you ask yourself, “Who am I?” How many times can you be stepped on before you finally get off the ground and dust yourself off?

What is a good relationship? Beats me. Maybe I should’ve warned Matt that the only ‘lessons in love’ I’ve ever learned were ones from my mother’s lifetime movies. Watching how love does these amazing things and can conquer any obstacle.  Maybe if he could see life through my eyes, things would be different. Watching your mother get beaten nearly to death every week by your step-dad doesn’t necessarily teach you much about healthy relationships.  Does he realize that I’m only doing what I think is supposed to be ‘normal’? Do the dishes, do his laundry, make him supper, make his lunch, be a good mom.  I’m trying to be Betty f*****g Crocker. I’m doing the best I can. I’m doing everything that my own mother didn’t, but maybe that’s wrong.

“Don’t cry. Why are you always crying? No one cares. You’re a piece of s**t. I hate you. I’m going to find someone better, someone I can stand being around. I’m pretending to love you. I’m leaving you.”

Maybe he really doesn’t understand that since the first day I can remember, I wasn’t good enough.  Always fighting and trying so hard to please everyone, or anyone, that could be proud of me. I couldn’t even be good enough for myself.  With everything so out of control all the time, the only thing I could control was my weight. I see myself slipping back into that pattern of counting calories, weighing myself every day, punishing myself for eating poorly. I need control of something or I might lose control of everything.  He says I have no friends and laughs at the fact that I’m always alone, but does he realize it’s because it’s safer this way? Everyone in my life has walked away from me… or maybe I pushed them away. The less people I let into my life, the less people can leave. I enjoy having just him. Not everyone was born and raised in the American dream like he was. I understand that it’s very hard for someone like him to take a walk in my shoes and even begin to understand the pain I’ve endured over the years.  But… it’s so easy for me to step into his. I’ve spent my entire life hoping, praying, and wishing for a normal family and for the aching to finally come to an end.  

Reviews

[A. Amos]

Honest, pure, raw and one can feel you have added your soul in your story. Good read thanks for sharing