I Wanted to Say

I really don't know what this is... It's a thing that popped into my head and I needed to write it

 

     When did you stop laughing? I remember you did at some point- but the exact moment isn't imprinted in my mind. I just remember that one day you stopped laughing like you used to. I think it was around the time you stopped telling that you loved me... That was in the middle of May if I recall correctly. Something had happened to us that spring. Something that still is a mystery to me as I sit here by your bedside watching the sun fade into nothingness. We are that nothingness you know- that empty space between twilight and morning. We have fallen into this darkness that I can't seem to remove myself from... And with you like this I doubt we will ever return to any state of happiness again.

 

     The blank white color of the room frightens me slightly- it's too sterile. So unlike you- you were always dirty, I mean not in a bad way... But you always were working with your hands on something- and you had a rugged dirtiness I liked. It sounds strange, I know, but for your last moments to be spent in a white room didn't seem fitting. It seemed almost wrong in my mind. Like this was somewhere I would never see you. Yet again, your clumsy tendencies were bound to send you to the hospital at some point. Maybe the reason your hear surprises me more. I guess I just expected you to be on the brink of death somewhere you belonged… Not here. Never hear.

 

            It’s strange really. I don’t know what possessed me to look for you yesterday. Some fate that made me need to talk to you yesterday- of all days. Of all the days for me to contact you, it’s the one day you can’t answer back. You will never answer me again will you? I’m sorry; I seem to be crying again. It’s hard not to, seeing you like this. Seeing you in a state where you are so weak. You were always so strong; it’s something I envied about you really. I wanted to be strong like you, I never wanted to cry in front of you but here I am again. I always cry in front of you don’t I? Maybe that’s why you left in the first place.

 

            I feel strange talking to you like this- I don’t think you can hear me. The doctor said you couldn’t. But there is something in me that needs to talk to you like we used to. We really kind of stopped talking for a long time. After you left I didn’t know what to say. It was a stream of awkward conversations that eventually ceased. I guess there was nothing more to talk about. You had grown so cold I couldn’t bear to talk to you. I didn’t want to try. I never wanted to remember any you other then the one who loved me. It was a selfish instinct. Or maybe an act of self protection, I don’t really know- and no one else seemed to understand.

 

            Not that I expected them to.

 

            What happened between us… I guess I forgive it all. Maybe that’s why I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to tell you I was alright. I wanted to know if we could hang out like we used to. I wanted you to stop avoiding me. I am selfish- I will tell you that right now. I hate not talking to you. It was frustrating to not be able to speak so much as a simple hello to you when we had endured so much. It made me angry in all honesty. I’m guessing this is the time for honesty seeing I never may get another chance. That frightens me to you know. The idea that I will never see your smile again. It is carving a hole in my chest that is beyond anything else.

 

            Why are you so stupid? What on earth possessed you to go back to drugs again? Hadn’t we gotten past that? Wasn’t that part of your life over? I just don’t understand… An overdose? A Heroine overdose at that. It baffles the mind it realty does. I am at a loss on how to handle this right now. Yet here I am. Sitting by your side unsure why I am even here.

 

            You parents wanted me here. Apparently they thought it would be best. Don’t ask me why, I think they are just happy I found you when I did. Even though the chance that you will ever wake is slim… They asked me to stay. They said it meant a lot to you. I really don’t know why they would think that but I stayed. And let me tell you it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in my life. Sitting here in this white room looking at your ghost… Your skin is so pale- it really frightens me. You were always more tanned. It was even scarier when I first found you. The fear in your eyes when you saw my face almost killed me. Like you didn’t want me to see you. Like you were ashamed. At that moment I really wanted nothing more then to hold you until your strong body stopped it’s shaking.

 

            I was afraid. Just like I am now. Afraid that you would push me away, afraid that you didn’t want me there. But I stayed. I was brave for you. To be honest I would probably do anything for you. I know that sounds really stupid since it’s over. Stuck in it’s nothingness it we’ll always reside in. But purely because I miss what we had I can sit here and talk like we still have it. Like nothing ever changed and you would say I love you after every date. Back to the time where your kisses were sweet and strong.

 

            Listen to me, you’re dying and I’m crying over something that was over long ago. This situation is just too much. I don’t want to watch you die. I really don’t. Yet here I am by some power other then my own, watching you. In this small room we will end. This small, cold, unfamiliar room. Why couldn’t it have been somewhere familiar? Somewhere that the memories could have made me smile. Why here? This place holds no comfort for me. You are plugged into so many wires and so many machines that I can’t believe it’s really you. You look like a being from another planet.

 

            I’ve never lost someone so close to me before. I’ve never lost someone who is so close to me yet so far away from me. It feels like everything else doesn’t matter… for the first time in life I haven’t tried to call anyone- actually I don’t know where my phone is really. My mom must be flipping out… I haven’t even called. She always freaks out about stupid things… but I think she’ll understand. Or she should. I don’t care if she does.  I’ve never cared less in my life.

 

            Why do I only want to be here with you? You have done me wrong, great wrongs which I don’t want to get into right now. If you can hear me it would be embarrassing.  But I still feel the need to sit by you. And I cry for you and only for you. I can’t… Sorry, my thoughts aren’t really finishing… I don’t know how I should say any of this really… There is nothing to say. We are done, I know that so why am I sitting beside you with such feelings of regret? With the feeling I haven’t said it all? I’m pretty sure in the last half an hour of so I’ve said most of the things I wanted to. I’ve gone through every nook and cranny of my brain and there is nothing left for me to tell you. Nothing at all… Except…

 

            Maybe there is one thing. One thing I really wish I didn’t want to say right now.

 

            And that is… Well… I wanted to say I love you. That’s what I had really come to talk to you about. I am in love with you- and though these feelings… These emotions aren’t… They aren’t realistic- they aren’t even plausible. I love you. And I hate this, I hate it. Because I’m losing you and you think I hate you and I don’t. Can you hear my tears? I don’t hate you at all! Those words I spoke weren’t out of spite you know. They were out of fear and sadness. This is all some bad dream and I will wake up and you will be alive and there will be alright. I will wake up and I can meet you in time. This has to be. I don’t want to remain here in this twilight forever without you.

Author's Note

This is something I kinda dreamed about today and it seemed really strange. Basically a monologue of someone talking the entire time. Tell me what you think

Reviews

[DreamWalker]

Piercing and insightful. A wonderful portrayal of a stream of thought, unconsciously recorded. Plumbing the depths of loss, and regret. And I really liked "Can you hear my tears?" Keep up the good work.

[PhoeniX]

this was a very extreme and edgy look at the way you write. well done my friend!

[Joseph - Michael]

I'll tell you what I think; There's nothing wrong with the moment that hit you for no reasons whatsoever. In fact, I don't think so, I believe so. I mean, we, the writers, get that kind of moments, all in depends on the moods we're in. Afterward, we just thought of things like that. So, you're not alone on this one

On the other hand, it's a real great writing you got there and I really enjoyed it. I'll admit that I did get confused at first, but I understand now. So, it's all good here...

[Jamie Fantasy]

God, that just tears at my heart. It was so beautifully written. I love that it really could be any person speaking to anyone. You didn't give too much detail about either person or their situation, just emotions. It makes it so much more relatable to more people.

Incredible piece of writing. I love it.

[---]

well, even if you did hear this in a dream, it was still very sad...very sad