Dreams- Chapter Eight- Mask

The eighth installment

 

His arms were tightly wrapped around me and I wanted to scream again- I wanted to scream until my lungs turned to ash and I died right there. He needed to let me go- I couldn’t live another minute like this. There was no way I could live anymore under this pressure. It had been building for so long that I needed to break.

I would die of the pain if I didn’t break. I started to squirm- I could feel myself start to squirm.

“Ana,”

“I need to smoke,”

“Ana,”

“I need to- let me go!” My voice was cracking.

“Ana…”

I pushed and looked at him with the most pathetic expression I had probably ever given anyone in my life as I coolly stepped outside to light a cigarette that I had stuffed in my pocket earlier and managed to get in without distinction. I lit it shakily and put my head in my hand as I took a drag and let out a few more sobs. I knew I would be calm in no time at this rate- but I had lost it back there. He had seen me lose it. He knew something was wrong. Now what was it going to look like if I was dead the next morning…

Would he even let me go home like this?

Edward knew me well- not well enough, but well. And he knew that even for my normal breakdowns that this was beyond bad. I was never this bad. Why had I let my mask slip? I normally had such a calm façade- I had worked relentlessly to keep that mask firmly in place. What had let it slip? Fear, pain, love or something even I couldn’t explain. It had shattered into a thousand pieces just like everything else I work so hard on.

I looked up at the brisk sky to find dark clouds covering the moon and I suddenly felt more alone then I had ever in my life. Even if I explained to Edward he would scorn me. He would call me foolish and get angry like he had a tendency to do when people made foolish choices. I would be another one of those fools to him.

Did he have any idea how much I loved him? I had often wondered that when he threw his arms around me without a second thought. I often wondered if he had the slightest idea that I loved him more then life itself. That I loved everything about him. Did he know that?

He probably didn’t, after all I had acted like a friend for too long now- way too long. He probably saw me as another one of the girls who surrounded him. Nothing more… nothing more.

I don’t remember hearing the door open- but I did remember the feel of his arms around my waist as I took another drag.

“Ana,” He called soothingly again as I closed my eyes. “Are you listening to me now?”

“Yeah,” I answered calmly. A cigarette always calmed me down enough to speak coherently.

“You’re not okay; I don’t care if I have to take away from here myself… But you are not okay. I’ve known you for eight years…” He sounded pained. I hated it- I absolutely hated it. “And you- ever sense this morning… There is something missing from your eyes.”

I looked up at him with a curious expression.

“I don’t know,” He growled as a finished my cigarette- dropped it- and put it out with my foot. I knew he was looking at me with disgust as I pulled out another one and lit it.

“Sorry,” I murmured as I took another drag.

“No, it’s alright, I’m sorry I gave you a hard time earlier,” He sighed.

We stood there for I don’t know how long. Neither of us said anything. To be honest, I thought my words would get stuck in my throat and I would start sobbing. I didn’t know about him- but I loved him more right now then I ever had. He was here for me.

It was still all going to end- that night. It was all going to end… But he cared, and for the moment that was alright. I still felt like a dirty person- like as cruel unusual person… But this was my fate anyway.

“Will you at least tell me what’s wrong?”

I heard him ask.

“I told you, I’m broken.” I answered in a monotone as I stared out into space. “This girl is broken beyond repair.” I chuckled slightly as I looked into nothing. “I can’t be fixed.”

He didn’t say anything for a while after that- but he did let go of me and sat down next to me as I leaned against door. It was awkward to put it nicely. He looked at me expecting to say more- and I looked ahead with a blank expression on my face. I couldn’t give myself away now. The mask may have been broken – but its fragments remained. I could use the fragments to at least give off the delusion that my emotions were void. I could pull off emotionless pretty well when I had to.

I could hear the music blaring from inside and I suddenly had no urge to see any of those people in there ever again. I wanted to stay here in this frozen moment of time with him as we were together. It was perfect. It was no romance- but it was just us. I always felt comfortable when it was just us. It felt natural in a way I couldn’t quite explain. I wanted him at my side. I knew if he pledged to stay by my side forever I could keep living. I knew that if he was helping me I could make it.

But it was a request I would never make.

“Ana,”

“Yes,”

“Why are you broken?”

“A lot of reasons.”

“Any to do with me?”

My heart froze- how could he think it had anything to do with him? Even if he wasn’t there for me when the thing with my parents had happened… He was the only one who had never lost faith in me. Not for one moment.

“Not at all.”

I thought my voice sounded too urgent though- and he seemed to notice it.

“Then why do you seem hostile with me?”

“It’s not with you, I’m mad at myself- you just happen to be around,” I pointed out as I took a long drag.

He laughed.

“Sarcasm?”

“My specialty,” I added with a grin as I looked at him.

“And why are you mad at yourself,”

“To be honest, I’m a moron.”

“And how so?”

The emotionless mask was even slipping as the tears welled in my eyes again.

“I can’t do this anymore,”

I saw him look at me as my tone of voice changed and I covered my face. “I can’t… I’ve given up, I just can’t.” I felt it skipping again. The mask’s pieces couldn’t hold together anymore. “I’m not real anymore… I’m not even someone I like. I can’t recognize myself. Everything I do isn’t me.”

He was looking at me intently.

“I’m…” I stumbled my words again. “I’m not happy Edward!”

“That’s obvious Ana, but honestly how long have you been this way? I only noticed it recently because…” He trailed off. “You just don’t smile anymore.” I felt my heart skip a beat as he spoke. But didn’t it always do that. “You smiles are lonely.”

I was quiet. I didn’t think anyone noticed. I didn’t think anyone noticed that all my smiled weren’t real. They were all a fake attempt to patch myself up.

“So it isn’t a question of if you’re happy, it’s why aren’t you happy?” He said as I put out my cigarette.

“Because no one cares,” I answered with honestly. “No one gives a f**k- no one makes sure I’m okay. No one is ever there! I take care of everyone! I am there for everyone! And no one will grant me the same. No one…” I felt it breaking more. “I am not indestructible!” I watched the pieces scatter and I knew there was no going back.

“I don’t want to lie! I hate lying- everyone thinks I lie! Everyone thinks I am not trust worthy! No one comes to me anymore. No one! No one loves me anymore,” I sobbed stamping my foot like a child. “No one does! My parents act like I’m not there- my friends, other then Lizzy, try and act distant! No one loves me anymore!”

I was a child again stomping angrily as I realized things weren’t my way.

“I’m sure Ashley filled you in about how I lied about my step-dad. I’m sure she did- she can’t shut her mouth for second. I wasn’t lying! I wasn’t! Everyone thinks I did but it was all true!” I was going on and on but I didn’t care anymore. It was too late to care. “I just… I didn’t want my friends turning against me, they all did. Now they don’t love me anymore. They don’t care, I… I…”

I was sobbing. I was on my knees sobbing as I continued. There was nothing I could do. The hole in my chest was growing larger as I spoke. It grew with every word that came out of my mouth. He was looking at me- I knew he was but I couldn’t face him- not now.

“I can’t do this forever… I’m done… I just want to die!”

And the last of my mask shattered to the ground along with the last remnants of dignity.

There wasn’t another sound for a very long time. It was like the air itself stood still- like it was waiting to release a heavy load of snow- but it was the calm before the storm and nothing pierced its barriers. Nothing, not even the echoing sobs the emitted from my body and shook me violently. I knew he was there- the person I loved above all else watching me. Watching me in my pathetic state. I wondered how it had come to this- how it had finally descended to a place where I couldn’t pull myself out of anymore. Well, now at least he would know when I was dead tomorrow.

I heard a slight shuffling and his arms were grasped around me again. And this time there was no pulling away. I didn’t have the strength to pull away. It was warmth I welcomed without acknowledging it at all.

I only waited to be scolded like a bad child would. I was a bad child after all. I had complained. Only bad children complained. But no scolding came. There were no harsh words or hitting or yelling like there had been before. There was nothing to indicate I had done something wrong.

“Ana, will you look at me?”

His voice was calm and soothing.

And I did- my head slowly lifted and I looked into his beautiful blue eyes.

“Don’t give up,” He pleaded- taking my hands in his as we kneeled before the door. “Don’t give up just yet.”

“Why… What the hell is waiting for me?”

“People love you, people care Ana.”

“Like who?”

“Like me you idiot!”

It was the first time his voice rose- and it was the only time I heard him generally mad.

“Do you think I don’t care, do you think this is all a game? I may be your friend but that’s not even enough sometimes. Ana, I think I’m in love with you…”

I couldn’t speak. Nothing was making sense. Had he said love? Like the type of love I had felt all these years?

I didn’t respond- I only felt warm lips press to mine.

Author's Note

tell me what you think

Reviews

[NJ Schneider]

I personally hate it when people critique my work THAT bad *points to review below* and don't focus on some good points. Nana, I think this chapter was exquisite. Your style of writing is much different than most people's and that's part of what makes it interesting. Great great job! Keep it coming.

[ah]

"You're not okay; I don't care if I have to take away from here myself� i think u need a you in there..."I don't know," He growled as a finished my cigarette- dropped it- and put it out with my foot. i think the a should be changed to an I..."You smiles are lonely." i think you should be your... wow, this is great, i dont really know what else to say, but this is great

[Requiem]

You have this habit of this:
I heard him ask.
"Sarcasm?"

Then you have the other character say something. It sort of confuses. Mixes stuff up.

Here are some other errors I found:

'He would call me foolish and get angry like he had a tendency to do when people made foolish choices. I would be another one of those fools to him."
Here there's the repetition, you know how I feel about that.

"Did he have any idea how much I loved him? I had often wondered that when he threw his arms around me without a second thought. I often wondered if he had the slightest idea that I loved him more then life itself." Repetition again. You could change it to "I had often wondered that when he threw his arms around me without a second thought if he knew that he meant more than life itself to me."

'"You're not okay; I don't care if I have to take away from here myself� But you are not okay. I've known you for eight years�" He sounded pained. I hated it- I absolutely hated it. "And you- ever sense this morning� There is something missing from your eyes."' Sense should be since. Unless you are talking about the five senses. That'd be just plain weird.

'"I don't know," He growled as a finished my cigarette- dropped it- and put it out with my foot. I knew he was looking at me with disgust as I pulled out another one and lit it.' 'He growled as a finished my cigarette?" Did you mean 'I'?

'still felt like a dirty person- like as cruel unusual person� But this was my fate anyway.' Drop the 's' in 'as'.

'I saw him look at me as my tone of voice changed and I covered my face. "I can't� I've given up, I just can't." I felt it skipping again.' So... there's a bunny skipping around in there? Did you mean slipping?

Other than that, it's good.