The evocation of scrubbing

Shocked anger and Realization

 

Scrubbing Memories away

It was just before Xmas, Sophie was three, and Marie was going through a tough time, when I was contacted by an old friend. I hadn't talked to him for almost 11 years, and we caught up after he tried to convert me to his current joy, southern Baptist. This was a habit of his since we were fourteen, so I was able to ignore it successfully.   As we talked, I started remembering all the silly crap we did, when he mentioned his father and his step sister, Caitlin. 

The first time we talked about Caitlin, we were walking down a back road in Fontana, after school in the hot day.  Passing under a oleander and weeping willow while we talked, and I was pushing my ten speed while he walked next to me. "So I walked in on her, and she was using the handle of the plunger, it was gross!"   We made fun of her depravity, as 14 year old teenagers will, but I remember feeling a sense of clouded clarity, something I wasn't putting my finger on. I couldn't figure it out, so I let it go, but it got filed under my "Bad Feeling check it out later file."

Over the next few years, she rarely came up, but suddenly she was back in, and she was acting funky.   We were going to a midnight movie madness, where everyone dressed up and made fun of the movie, and pretty much had a good time – she asked us along (Him, me and a mutual acquaintance). I noticed something then, she had a feral look, the look of an unkempt animal. My intuition was screaming out that I needed to look into this, but I'm ashamed to admit, I didn't want to let my friends know I had any interest in her, not having the character to over come these social barriers and investigate this, I let it go. 

The sun was hot and high over K-Mart the big store that everyone in Fontana went to for just about anything except groceries. Summer break was a day away and my sister with her kids were walking in front of me. My current love interest was working there and so were a few other people I was interested in seeing, so I volunteered to interpret for her. After getting her refunds taken care of, she dismissed me to do what I would want, since we came in separate cars. 

Feeling free to wander I bee-lined over to her, my current and unfortunately attached love of my life. Her hair was long, thick and curly, and when she pursed her lips, it was the cutest pout. I had a habit of not getting into fights if I could help it, so when her boyfriend showed up, I got ready to leave. She turned to me and gave me a big hug, and seeing the look on her beau's face, I knew he didn't like it. So being a jerk, I patted her butt and said see you later. As I was leaving, I saw her guy talking to her, with a look of that expressed concern, anger and a need of reassurance. She obviously cared about him, oh well. 

When I walked out of K-Mart, I was surprised to see Caitlin walking out of Chuck E Cheese, her uniform told me that she was working there. When she saw me she waved, so I wandered over and chatted with her.  Tonight there was going to be Seniors students going to Disney after dark, and she needed a ride home, could I help her out? Always the helpful taxi driver (and since I was going myself I better get going as well) I agreed to help. When we arrived we were greeted by her step father, he asked how it was going, and I told him pretty good, I was short and sweet, I didn't like him, though I refused to disrespect my friend by saying or acting on it. Caitlin thanked me, and gave me a hug, since I'm greedy that way and require them at a moments notice from pretty girls.   Driving away, I saw the Step Father, and he had a look I recognized, but couldn't identify. I was in a hurry and thought no more about it.

That night, me and my three friends had a blast, being the evil pricks we were, I cannot go into details, because Disney is probably still looking for us today. On the way back, when we were resting from a night of debauchery, I noticed that Caitlin wasn't there, I asked my friend, and he replied "Oh yeah, just before we left, she got into a fight with dad. She left early and caught the earlier bus – Probably already home."  Odd I knew for a fact that she was really excited about coming here, she was a year ahead, and this would be the last time… I suddenly sat up, with a realization that freaked me out. The look that their father had was the same one that my love's boyfriend gave me. I was shocked, but clear headed for the first time in my adolescence, this needed to be investigated, first thing in the morning.

In the morning, with the light of god burning my soul and my eyes for the evil I did the night before, I couldn't really convince myself that it was what I thought. Was it really likely that my best friends' father was screwing his older step-sister? Of course not, he was a jerk but not a sicko….

"So we found out that Caitlin had over ten abortions when we were kids, sad hunh?" 

Shocked, I said "Wow, really, how did we not know about that!!?"
Then I asked "Who were they with, I mean she wasn't seeing anyone I remember" 

"That is the sad thing see, she was so depraved, remember? Well you remember how she was, mousy, she didn't take a shower all the time, that sort of thing, so she seduced my dad when she couldn't find any other outlets."

Slowly, I said "I see", "So where is your dad at now?" "Oh, well this came out like a year or so after you left, she didn't want to have another abortion so she kept that baby, and well they lived together until he passed away last year."

"How unfortunate, I was really hoping to see your dad." 

"Really? I thought you didn't like my dad." 

I was angry, yes it was twelve years previous, and I probably couldn't have done anything, but damn it, my intuition and my insight saw this clearly and I ignored it.   To top it off, here was someone I considered a close personal friend, but I was only now seeing him clearly for the first time, and he needed to know what I was thinking. Some form of justice was necessary.

"Yeah, so I could have spit in his face. How dare you place this on her, she was a kid in his care, and to place this on her is bullshit."   For thirty minutes I tried to explain to my former friend, why this was such a savage betrayal of trust, finally I gave up in disgust when he suggested that we pray about it. My final rejoinder "I cannot understand how you can use this crutch of forgiveness so that you can blame Caitlin for our failure as family and friends, it makes me sick."

In the eight years since that conversation, we've only talked to exchange information about our friends who are still alive, dead or in prison, otherwise we do not talk. He will continue to believe in forgiveness, me, I realized that I should have believed in my strengths a long time ago.
 

Reviews

[Hannah!]

I really liked the tone of this piece; it seemed sort of like a friend telling another friend a story, or the overhead voice of a narrator in the movie. It's horrible that a victim would ever be blamed for the crimes perpetrated AGAINST them, but it's hard to blame the friend for his defense of his dad. I mean, the man was his dad, after all.

Excellent write.

[Christel Grady]

It's always so sad that the victims get blamed, and we wonder why they don't come forward?! Thank you for this write. I like your style, and though the emotion is raw, it's brilliant.