This Rabbit Hole We Call Life

This is my first poem.

  I am falling, drowning 

  stumbling down

  this rabbit hole

  we call life.

  I am screaming,

  crying, laughing

  when I fall, drown

  and stumble down

  this rabbit hole we call

  life.

  You are there,

  falling with me,

  a smile painted

  along your face.

  You stop falling.

  You stop stumbling.

  You stop drowning. 

  You sit there, and

  watch me burn.

  You stand there

  and watch me die.

  You smile and laugh

  as my screams echo

  off of the dirt walls.

  I am alone.

  I am dead. 

  I don't want to

  fall through life

  without you. 

Reviews

[Coffee Vampier]

Its a great poem, puts a perspective on live and i quite like it :)

[..]

This is really wonderful, enjoyed reading this little gem.

[David Michael]

I have to agree, for a first poem, this is definitely good. My first certainly wasn't terrible, but I feel it was amateurish in how I used rhymes, rhythms, cliches, and "archaic" wording. This one by contrast is more the kind of stuff I wish I had been writing from the outset. So kudos on that!

I do have to say I agree with "Blue Moon Ice Cream" (wow, what a name; love it!) I'd try to always use the strongest wording possible. General rule for poetry - don't write a word unless there's a good reason for it being there. I myself am quite guilty of violating this rule...

[joshua deathdealer]

I love the imagery here. Excellent work.

[Dan Peacock]

Great for a first poem. Actually, just great in general. Tell me there's more? :)

[GrandDystopia]

I hope you don't mind me saying, but HOLY S**T! that was intense and if this is your first posted poem i cannot wait to see what the others hold in store, the first thing i posted may as well had been posted by a child, you have great potential, hope to see more!

[Kenneth The Poet]

Excellent initial effort. The imagery is stunning.

[Naomi Roseღ]

Wow, this really was awesome! I could relate so much to this. Great poem :)

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

You've succeeded in scaring the hell out of me. This was intense work!
I have to wonder about what powerful mind has been loosened upon this
site....The struggle was primal in this poem. I felt as if I was being drawn and
quartered. Bravo!

[Blue Moon Ice Cream]

Wow. For a first poem, this is amazing. I'm thinking about posting the first poem I attempted and it's not nearly as impressive. :) I like how this was a quick read, with the short lines keeping it moving. Good message and you clearly have potential as a poet! My only suggestion for your future poems (or improving this one) is to make the word choice more vivid...though the simplicity of this is good, sometimes it's nice to have more colorful and memorable phrases.