Ready to Live

This started out as a stream of consciousness exercise, and then somehow it turned into whatever you want to call this. Not really a poem, but I guess it's closer to a poem than the other options.

I know pain and happiness and every feeling between. I know what it’s like to be scared stiff and what it’s like to feel nothing, or close to it, when I should be absolutely terrified. I know what it’s like to be alone, left out in the cold and what it’s like to come inside and warm up. I know that feeling, that vicious anticipation, right before you do it, that last chance to change your mind and just go home and go to bed, saying ‘f**k it’ and going through with it, caring deeply about the damage you’re about to do, and doing it anyway. Boredom is the thing that puts me in the crosshairs of my own destructive urges, while fear keeps me tethered to the boredom inducing landscape of possession and easy comfort. How did it come to this? How did I get to this moment of my life? jobless, purposeless, aimless, healthy, considerate, coming to grips with fear, coming to grips with mortality and all that mortality implies, self aware, full of cautious optimism and fleeting despair. I could write my life story. It would be the most boring life story, but I bet it would hit home with one person out there. I bet there is someone in the world who is exactly how I am right now. If not in this universe then perhaps in one of the infinite others. One of us will stay right on this trajectory and will become a Clarence complete with thick glasses, bad posture, spinach stuck in teeth and no ambitions in life. The other might take notice of the gentle fluctuations of the curvature of spacetime and make a meaningful move into the reality of fulfilment and prosperity. One step in the right direction is all it would take to kick this thing off and get out of this rut. Then, just keep on going one step at a time. It can be done. I wouldn’t be the first to do it. There is a dream catcher on the wall right in front of me. I just noticed it for the first time. Looking out the floor-to-ceiling windows now, I see the wind is picking up. The gentle swaying of green-leafed trees, with just a tinge of yellow. The ground is getting dug up directly behind to make room for a new highrise. Change is in the air. If I can just find a way to change along with it, I think everything will be alright. I know that I am strong and that I have something to give. I’m more ready than ever to take on a challenge. The world is in flux and I am open to its energies. I will stay healthy and ready, and I will launch into a groove that will take me there, without hesitation or deliberation. I am ready for the world. I am ready to live.