Seamus

A letter to my friend that left the world four years ago.

Dear Seamus,

I know you didn't usually receive a lot of letters from people. You were more of a text message guy, I know, but it's hard to text you nowadays since your parents cancelled your cellular plan, but I hope you don't mind. It's a little lonely here without you, but it's alright. Your dad went to therapy a few years ago after....well you....never mind. I just know that he's doing better. Your mom hasn't spoken to me since your funeral. I hope she's okay. I heard that she might have severe depression, but that was years ago, so I don't think it's the same situation now, but I just have this feeling that they'll both be alright. I know you and your dad didn't get along very well. I know that he hurt you a lot and I still resent him for it, but I hope you can forgive him. He used to beat you up, I know, but he started beating himself up really bad after you left. He just wasn't the same. I could tell. Even though your parents were all the way in Minnesota, I still saw them on social media and people were talking about them sometimes. Your Facebook and Skype are both gone. They were taken down after a year. I think it's just because people couldn't look through your posts and all of those goodbye messages without feeling depressed.

I hope that's okay. I hope you're okay, way up there. You probably won't ever read this, but there are a lot of things I've been meaning to tell you even though I know that I couldn't before and probably can't now since you're gone. You really were my friend and I feel so horrible when I think about how I wasn't there for you as much as I should've been. I didn't know that you were hurting so much and I thought that you were just tired all of the time. Now I kind of know how you felt. Do you remember when we were little and you and your mom would come to pick up Emma at preschool? You would always play with us for a little while while your mom talked to some of the adults. There was this toy tractor that keeps getting stuck in my memory that I think I remember you playing with. You were bigger than me so I had to crane my neck to look up at you. I was just a toddler, but I still remember the way we played together. Your sister was there too and anyone could tell that you really cared about her. I know you did. She was a ball of sunshine and she always wore those pretty sundresses with floral print and wavy skirts. Her snap-on white dress shoes were so cute and her hair bobbed when she danced or ran around. She was like a little porcelain doll and you loved her. 

I wonder if you're with her now. When you both left, it was hard to make friends, but I made a few and some of them stayed with me while the others left too. Do you remember Julia? She's still my best friend to this day. Crazy, isn't it? Most people don't know what it's like to be friends with people their whole lives even as they become adults! When we started talking again in third grade, I was so glad to have met you. You made the difficult times less difficult and the happy times happier. I know you really liked to play video games, so I started to get more into them. I'm glad I did because I can't imagine my life without them now. You were always really good at them and I was kind of jealous because you had a lot of passion about things. You liked art and video games and science and you said you wanted to be a game designer, but I didn't know what I wanted just yet. Of course, I was in elementary school so I still had plenty of time, but you were going to high school and you seemed like you were running out of it. You were there when I wanted to kill myself and I feel so guilty now that I realize how I didn't appreciate your kindness as much as I should've back then. I was wrong to do that.

I'm sorry. I really am. You probably know that I am. I've been apologizing about it almost every day for four years. I just never really said it out loud. Every time I make someone feel bad or whenever I feel like I'm taking advantage of someone, I feel so horrible that I want to cry. I just sit in my room in the dark and apologize over and over. It used to feel empty, but over the last two years it only got worse. I wanted to kill myself again this year, but I didn't. I was strong for you. You would be proud of me. You were like an older brother to me and I was like a younger sister to you, so just like every other pair of siblings, we naturally want to be strong for one another. We never fought, but you got angry sometimes. You had your issues and I had mine, only I felt as though your issues weren't entirely my business. I'm sorry for that. I know now that they really were since we were close and you helped me so much with my own problems. I never once felt like you were being a bad friend, but when you left I was so upset with you that I wanted to punch you. It made me angry that you would suddenly leave without a word. It was like having my heart torn out without a reason. I miss you so much. I really did care a lot about you, I just didn't want to admit it. I would've done anything to save you.

If I could, I would go back and do things differently, but now that Emma is gone and now that you've followed her there, I can't do anything about it. I can't wear belts anymore because they remind me of what you did to yourself. It really hurts a lot when I think about it. It was only two months ago when I wanted to kill myself so that I wouldn't be so alone down here and possibly be wherever you are, but now I'm happier than I used to be. I finally started getting better sleep, started talking to my friends again, started doing more of the things that I love, and I even got a boyfriend. That has never happened and I'm hoping that it will last. I want to keep progressing in life because I want to live the life that you wanted. You told me that you wanted to be with someone you loved and live in an apartment with friends in university and then either live in a house in the woods or live in a city where you would have an apartment with a view of the street. You wanted to live a busier life than you've ever had and you wanted to stand up for yourself and other people. Although I have my own aspirations, there are a lot of things that I want to do for you. Did you know that every November 25th (the anniversary of your death), I light candles and ask whatever gods that are up there (if there are any) to protect you for me? 

Maybe now I can do what I should've done before and protect you, but I know that it's a little too late now. I can't make up for it, but yet here I am paying the price. I miss you so much. I miss you like crazy. God, I miss you, but I'm gonna keep going, okay? You lost Emma and now I've lost you, but I don't want other people to lose me just like how we both suffered our losses. I miss Emma too, but I keep my fondest memories of her in my head for when I want to think back. I wish you could, but the pain was a lot for you, wasn't it? It must've hurt a lot. I hope that pain is gone now. I hope you don't resent me and I hope you can forgive me. I appreciate everything that you did for me and I love you, my friend. I'm sorry and I'll always be, but I have to let you go now. I couldn't say goodbye then, but I think I'm ready now.

If you're okay, then so am I.

Goodbye.

Author's Note

This is the most emotional and personal work that I've ever posted on here. I hope others can read this and understand the message I'm trying to convey to my old friend. Rest in peace, Seamus.