Dark Times

not very good

Why am I here? What is the reason I’m on this earth? I know I have a purpose. I have to, right? I have been asking myself these questions everyday as long as I could remember. My parents got a divorce, and my father wasn’t satisfied being with me. I figure I was too much to handle. I’m fifteen years old, and I’m paralyzed from the waste down. I was born like this with a sickness called Neurological Disorder. No one expected me to be like this. When I was nine, doctors performed a surgery to make me be able to walk. They said the surgery wasn’t risky, with a 95% success rate. Just my luck, I was that 5% which made my disorder worsen.

 I’m an only child because it would be too hectic having a baby plus me practically being taken cared of like one. I feel sorry for my mother because I know she wanted more children, she says I am all she could ever ask for, but deep down I know she hoped I was going to be like all the normal children and not like this. The ones that run around playing sports, who ride their bicycles, who swim, who walk their dog. While I just sit there, looking through the window, wishing I could be out there also enjoying life. I’m so thankful to have my mom, she is all I need. She sacrificed so much for me. Honestly, I don’t know what I would do without her.

 I’m guessing you are wondering when my dad comes in this picture. Well, he left us about seven months ago for this younger woman than my mom. They were seeing each other for about five months before we found out. She always knew something was going on when he made up different excuses every night explaining why he came home late from work and the mysterious phone calls. He claims he never loved my mom, but he had to. You have to make a baby out of love, don’t you?

 About four months after my dad left, he stopped at the house to apologize to me. My dad wasn't coming back, but he wanted to make it better between him and me. So I agreed and went to his new house for the weekend. We were having a great time, watching television, playing board games. It was almost like he never left. While we were watching the end of my favorite show, his cell phone rings so he walks into the room next door. He answered, had a little conversation, then right when he was going to hang up my dad said, “I love you.” I knew it wasn’t my mom on the phone with him because the haven’t talked in months. I was so angry I called my mom to pick me up. By the time she comes, I’m hysterically crying because I’m thinking, “How can a man leave there wife and child for someone who he just met? ” When I got home I didn’t know what to do, so much was racing through my mind. My mom asked me to open up to her, and let it out. So, as she pleased, I did.

 It’s my fault they split up, I can tell. I was too much work and I got in the middle of them. If I wasn’t like this.. crippled, my parents would most likely be living a content life. I feel like I was a mistake. In fact, I know I was. God wasn’t suppose to bring me into this world, because if I was suppose to be here, I would make the others around me happy. Including myself.

 My mom told me that I was made out of love and sometimes people do fall out of love. She also kept saying how no matter what would happen between my parents it wasn’t my fault, and that they love me. It felt like there was a weight lifted off of my shoulders when she said these things to me, but there was just this one thing that i needed to hear. Not from my mom, but from my dad.

 I didn’t speak to my father for another two months and then I got this letter in the mail from him saying, “Sweetheart, you know I love you. I really and truly do. I did love your mom, but we had many problems, and I want you to know that you aren’t the reason. I may not say it as much as I should, but please know that my love for you will never change. It’s clear that you are different from other boys and girls. But it is only because you are an angel. God only gives the strongest ones challenges because he knows they can handle it. I will visit you soon. Love always, Dad.” I couldn’t believe what was right in front of me. I must of reread the letter at least five or six times. All I did was smile because I felt like I finally found that missing puzzle piece that I have been searching for so long.

 I realize now that everyone does have a purpose. No one is ever a mistake. And the most important thing, to never give up on yourself through the darkest of times.